Ving Rhames
| Kingdom | awesomeness kingdom |
| Phylum | superhuman |
| Class | kill-your-ass-in-one-hit |
| Order | beat-your-ass |
| Family | Darth Vader, Kratos, Godzilla |
| Genus | 'Vingus' |
| Species | Rhameus |
| Special Move | Kill you |
| HP: | It is common knowledge that he is immortal. |
| Mana Points: | infinite |
| Strength: | Level ??? |
| Intelligence: | Level ??? |
| Luck | Level ??? |
| Weight | 400-700 Kg. |
| Main Goal | To Be A BAD MOTHERFUCKA! |
| Special Attack | Unknown, (he hasn't done a special attack, because he would obliterate the entire galaxy) |
Ving Rhames is widely believed to have the biggest penis in the world. Also, he is the toughest guy in the world. Weighing in at 200lbs with 300lbs of muscle per square inch, Rhames holds the power to eliminate an entire human race with only his right hand. In the spring of 2002 the world’s top scientists obtained a small sample of Ving’s DNA in order to examine its structure and hopefully find out the sequence that makes him invincible to mortal men. Upon examination under a high-powered electron microscope, Ving’s DNA restructured itself into the form of a gun and killed all of the scientists. After the bloodbath, the sample made its way to Canada where it began masquerading as prime minister Paul Martin as step 1 of its world domination plan. In the fall of 2005 Webster’s dictionary recalled all 2,000,000,000 printed copies of their dictionaries to include the word “brax” which is defined as “the coolest, suavest, toughest, handsomest, strongest, overall Ving Rhames-est person, place, or thing can be; e.g. Ving Rhames“. With the slumping economy Rhames can no longer earn a living on kicking ass alone, so he has been forced to make movies to fund his body building, muscle waxing, and awesomeness reduction surgery (so that he doesn’t asplode due to the excess amounts of awesomeness in his body).
Additionally, Ving is also employed by the nation of Pulatsovania, serving as the special forces for the Pulatsovanian Standing Army of Honor and Great Justice. He is also charged with making sure that Barbara Bush keeps her candy ass in Texas and not spreading her S.T.D.'s throughout the exquisite whore houses that dot the Pulatsovanian landscape.
“You don't fuck with Ving Rhames.”
“I like my men the way I like my coffee, strong and black”
The Origins of Ving Rhames[edit]
It is said that Ving Rhames was spawned from pure awesomeness (emanating from the movie Napoleon Dynamite), and that he was instantly formed with 150 Kg of Pure Muscle. And he then killed all of the people in the movie theater. Luckily he was only a couple seconds old. After leaving the theater he was discovered by Morgan Freeman who in order to calm down Ving Rhames decided to read him a story, that story was “1,001 Arabian Nights”. Ving Rhames upon hearing the story calmed down. Later he decided to visit this wonderful land described to him in the story. Upon arriving in the Middle East and discovering what a shit hole it had become due to the religion of Islam he become so angry that he tried to kill every Islamic person ever born. (But it was no use because religious people are born like mad.) Infuriated, Ving went on to destroy the economy, Kill Chuck Norris in one lazy hit, kill everyone in the U.F.C., every religious person in the multiverse and everyone enlisted in the US Army. (The Details are hazy but, there are reports that an army tank shot at his massive pectoral, and it created an atomic-like explosion because of there too much power and awesomeness at one time, and everyones' head asploded from the sight of it.)
Movies Starring Ving Rhames[edit]
Dawn of the Dead - Based on actual events. In this movie, Ving Rhames stars as Kenneth, a tougher than nails and stronger than a titanium tent pole police officer. In this masterpiece of a film, Ving reaches his maximum level of asskickery as he shoots, stabs, explodes, stomps, decapitates, and sets on fire hundreds of billions of zombies single handed (yes there are other people in the movie who kill zombies, but they are completely overshadowed by the importance of Ving Rhames; kind of like the people sitting in the background of the bar in Cheers). At the end of the movie we do not actually see what becomes of the remaining humans when they fight off the zombie hoards, but it's assumed that Rhames single-handedly killed every single zombie on the planet with his left thumb, then built a rocket ship out of three rubber bands and a pogo stick, before flying off to conquer other planets throughout the galaxy.
Con Air - In a cast including Nicholas Cage, Vin Diesel, The Incredible Hulk and Colm Meaney, Rhames is still the toughest, coolest, braxist person in the entire cast. While Cage is billed as the movie’s headlining star, Ving Rhames is totally more important than any other person in the movie. Because he can kick the rest of the cast's asses... at the same time.
Lilo & Stitch - Now I’ve never actually seen this movie, but I have it on good authority that it is a 43 hour home video of Ving Rhames’ intergalactic tirade where he personally conquers all 1,989,787 planets in the universe, including punching out the body building people of Biceptron 4, strangling the 17 foot tall Tyrannosaurus Rex's of the planet Fluffyhappyland, and karate chopping the raging lesbians of Estrogenia. This movie has won every single Oscar since it’s premier in 1974.
Mission Unfeasible - In this venture Rhames chose to flex his intimidation muscle, making Tom Cruise his bitch errand-boy. Throughout the film Cruise is put into dangerous scenarios to obtain information for Rhames to analyze from the safety of a laptop. In a high-point of the film this is exemplified as Rhames dangles Cruise from a ceiling via wires. Cruise spins and dances around like a puppet while Rhames sits far, far, away in a secure bunker observing the show on his monitor, whilst being sexually serviced under the desk by Katie Holmes. He then commands Holmes to make him toast.
Pulp Fiction - In this 1994 action film, Ving plays Marcellus Wallace, a crime kingpin, with a super hot wife. He's betrayed by Bruce Willis and vows to kill him. He finds Willis whilst walking past his car, spots him, and gets run over. of course he survives, he's Ving mothafuckin' Rhames. And he kills Bruce Willis (as an afterthought kills John Travolta), fucks Amanda Plummer, goes home and fucks Uma Thurman before going to sleep.
Tips on what to do if you're ever to meet Ving Rhames[edit]
Never make eye contact - No matter what you're doing at the time you meet Mr. Rhames, he'll be pissed off at you for doing it in front of him. If you don’t make eye contact with him at the time, you have a 1 in 400 chance that he wont knee you in the throat. The odds of this aren't great, but the pain of being kneed in the throat by Ving Rhames is equal to getting hit by a flaming school bus carrying fifty sumo wrestlers and 400 pounds of nitro-glycerin, so it’s best to take the odds, and hope that lady luck is on your side.
Do not ask him for an autograph - No matter how much you love Ving never EVER ask for his autograph. Ving is approximately times better than normal people, so he naturally considers being talked to by mere mortals the equivalent of being stabbed in the face; and Rhames, like most European males age 18-49, hates being stabbed in the face. If you ask him for his signature, instead of writing his name he will rip off your arm and make you tickle yourself... just so you can experience pleasure and pain at your own hands. He will then make you do one-armed push ups.
Do not feed him as he is one bad ass motherfucker who will send some nigga to Indochina under a boulder waiting for you, or torture you with a pair of fucking pliers and blow torch. Peace Out Bitches!!
NEVER ask if you can pet his dog.
| Preceded by: Cthulhu |
Supreme Authoriter of All Things 2099—2157 |
Succeeded by: George Burns |
