Jackie Chan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Chan begs an adoring nation for "four more years."

Jackie Chan (born Chan Kong-sang, 陳港生; 7 April 1954) was born in a poor isolated island village to two blind and deaf parents. Originally his last name was Jackie Chackie. He was so poor that he couldn't afford any chinese vowels in his surname. For the early part of his life, Jackie (nicknamed J.C.) spent most of his time reading comic books, eating dogs stuffed with fried rice and working in a rice paddy. That was until his talents were recognized by Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi. Soon, his special prowess in the art of "Fook-ing-cho-mo-ma-wit-mai-chode" led Zeus to grant him the honorary title of "God of brooms other household appliances."

During World War II, Jackie Chan participated in the war as a General on the Allied side, commanding a small regiment of children under the flag of China.

New York Crime Fighter[edit]

It wasn't long before J.C. began to perform his incredible powers with each of the twelve magical talisman in the street as the Super Friends began to take notice. Jackie decided it was time to use his powers for good. Jackie became a bounty hunter, chasing down high ranking criminals in order to support his lavish lifestyle and all-Baby-soul diet. Apparently Jedi who eat a lot of MSG gain incredible acting talent, and it wasn't long before Jackie was misusing his Jedi powers to entertain people with Hollywood blockbusters.

The Bicycle Incident[edit]

Jackie at age ten sneaking up on his deaf parents.

Once when J.C was filming a screen adaptation of A Streetcar Named Desire, he attempted a stunt with disastrous consequences, whilst acting out the scene in which Blanche catches Stanley (played by J.C) playing with himself whilst hanging upside down screaming "I am a walrus." Whilst performing the stunt where Stanley tries to make his escape out of a ten story building and land on a bicycle with a seat that had been previously removed, a grave error occurred in the positioning of the bike pedals, thus causing the bicycle to enter J.C. He immediately screamed "JACKIE" at the top of his lungs in a very drawn-out, high-pitched manner, much as you would expect from someone getting fucked sideways by a method of transport. He remained attached to the bicycle for some time after the event and was even considering an operation that would permanently join them, so he could replace his legs with wheels for speed, a veritable Asian Stephen Hawking.

Fame, Fortune and Luke[edit]

J.C. was on top of the world; literally his only rival was the infamous Kim Jong-Un, and he had a league of bodyguards that included Chris Tucker, the guy that won't fix his damned nose. Nobody could touch Jackie Chan, much like M.C. Hammer. J.C. made famous movies and was even in the decade hit show HOUSE. J.C. became the most loved name in the country as people replaced The Incredible Hulk with him on the list of Greatest American Heroes. This was due to Jackie's part in battling and defeating the Galactic Empire, the 3rd Reich, and Grizzlar 7 (the leader of the Grizzly/Polar Bear Alliance) in a death match for the earth. Jackie was making mass Amounts of shirts and jeans in his sweatshop,which he covered up by using the so called "White House" as a frontas he was even given his own cereal and video game. However, J.C. had some problems with his video game title; it said that he was a stunt master. He was very insulted by this: after all, he was a Jedi and much better than his roomie and fellow Jedi Luke Skywalker. J.C. and Luke had an uneasy relationship, as Luke would often Photoshop pictures of Jackie saving the galaxy and replace it with his own body parts. Jackie was very upset at this because soon everyone began to believe it was Luke who had saved the galaxy but in fact it was Jackie. Jackie confronted Luke during The Ultimate Showdown but lost when Luke hit Jackie in the chest. Badly wounded, Jackie retreated back to his home in Malibu. While recovering, Luke got a starring role in Star Wars. Jackie, upset and humiliated, sought to outdo Luke in some other area. Jackie decided that the best way to outdo Luke would be to defeat him in a martial arts match. During The Ultimate Showdown, Jackie defeated Luke when Luke tried to use Jackie's old lightsaber on Jackie: using the force, Jackie was able to finally defeat Luke. However, Luke survived and was able to crawl away to his home in South Africa. Jackie went on to fight his way through millions of Michael Jackson clones in a 6th dimensional tessaract using nothing but a ladder and a lamp. This continued until Y2K.

Retirement and Piracy[edit]

After the battle with Luke, J.C. decided to retire from awesome and become a pirate. Not a butt-pirate though. That would be gross and totally unacceptable for J.C. With his transformation into a pirate, J.C. became one of the world's only ninja/pirate crossovers. He has submitted a request for the official title of Luffy Ninja Pirate Asian Ass-Kicker-Police-Story Master Jackie Chan to the Queen of Malaysia. His request is still under review. J.C. now has a solid platinum fortress floating in the center of Lake Chan, near Jackieville, Florida (previously Jacksonville before J.C. assassinated the Mayor).

To everyone's horror, on the 12th September 2008, Jackie Chan became featured article on Wikipedia. Since then, Jackie Chan's popularity has plummeted to an all-year low. On FOX News, Jackie Chan admitted that "It was the most dreadful day of his life".

See also[edit]