Jet Li

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Jet Li about to teleport himself to Asia Land.

Li Lianjie (Chinese: 李連杰; born April 26, 1963), better known by his stage name Jet Li, is a super Asian moving at super-sonic speed disguised as a fighting actor. He can easily end any non-Asian martial artists and has long been considered the spiritual leader of Japan. If he didn't have to be so nice, he and Jackie Chan would control the Earth and resurrect Bruce Lee, whilst at the same time kicking the ass of all living beings.


Jet Li is an Asian, a person from the continent "Asia Land". Asians created a hand-to-hand based ass-kicking form called Er Bai Wu, of which Jet Li himself is a master. Other ass-kicking techniques exist, pero eso no es importante. Asians also have the ability to go Super Saiyan when needed and crash vehicles at high speeds, killing anyone that pisses them off. Hence Asians are considered bad drivers.

Asia Land[edit]

Asia Land is a B-E-A-Utiful place filled with Asians. The only bad thing there was that everyone was shifty and only thought of money. Asia Land used to be Earth's sister planet until they attacked us. Then Bruce Lee killed them all and stole all of their high-tech weapons and gave them all amnesia. Asia Land moved next to Jupiter after that and everything changed. Then one day, in 1965, Earth sent a rocket nuke that was more powerful than a Falcon Punch, Sonic, Mario, the Master sword, and Pickachu in one attack. Jet Li's father went into the blast before it reached Asia Land. He died when Jet Li was only two. And that's bloody true so don't bag him especially the Falcon Punch rocket (Falcon Punch apparently in the anime was about the size of the galaxy).

Jet Li swore that day he would kill earthlings when he found that out in the Shaolin Temple (Asia Land made a replica and named it Asia and put some people there like Jet Li and they put the Shaolin Temple there.)

Asia Land has made powerful spaceships. One of their many powerful ships was thought to have been destroyed by Ultraman Cosmos and Justice during an epic battle in space, this is another Japanese craze event which has also thought to have brought about the destruction of the Hubble Telescope Mark I. But the most powerful Asian spaceship is definitely the S.S. The More Powerful Than All the DC and Marvel Comic Superheroes Combined. It was named that because they shoved them all into the Ship's engine. They intend to take over the Earth but the Ship is probably to big to fit on Earth, so they might accidentally destroy it. They've put Jet Li in charge of it even though he can't speak proper English and the S.S. The More Powerful Than All the DC and Marvel Comic Superheroes Combined IN ENGLISH.

What will likely happen[edit]

Jet Li will bring back Bruce Lee and the trio will return. Then Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking will take all Asian women as their wives to help weed out Asians. However, Asian men are known for their innate ability to clone themselves and hence this plan will likely fail miserably.


Jet Li has made some of the best films on this Earth (because he was in it) like "The Shaolin Temple series". He made that so people would know he was from there. All his Chinese movies were great except for that dodgey The Fong Sai-Yuk, which you got to admit it kinda sucked. Most of his American films were all right, but a couple were great. After they finish the Forbidden Kingdom 2, that's right 2 in 2010, they will turn their attention to a TV series based on Spongebob Squarepants, about an all-out war between Asians and retarded mutants living under the sea. Spongebob looks a lot better than he actually does in real life, if you want to see him, go look under the sea, he lives in a pineapple. His remains might not exist but I assure you he was literally a dick head because his nose was one. Neo in The Matrix was actually Jet Li because he could fly. Why do you think he always wears sunglasses when he's flying?

And how could you forget about the F-Zero Densetsu anime. He's the real Captain Falcon and not Bart Lemming. But by far, Jet Li's best ever movie was definitely, "You think you're better than an Asian? Ha Ha Ha!". Jet Li had to demonstrate what Asians can do, but got sued for bagging other races. So Li just killed those that prosecuted him and fed their flesh to his pet, Cerberus.

Natural Disasters by Jet Li[edit]

Jet Li, like all Super Asians, had super human strength. Jet Li always used his powers for a good cause, like punishing those that didn't listen to him. One of my favourite punishments that he did was the tsunami in Indonesia. In 2004, there was a so called "Natural Disaster" hit Indonesia, and also Jet Li was also there. He was there asking the government to help him prepare for the attack in 2012, but they did not listen to him. He was in ragged beyond limits, he did not think Indonesia was worthy enough to be an Asian country. So he created a tsunami to destroy it. He could hurt (I know it seems impossible) because he used to much power when he stomped on the floor. He then flew away with his daughter laughing his head off.

Another Disaster was the Solar Flare on November 4 2003. Jet Li was flying around with Jackie Chan, tormenting pilots that weren't Asian. Jackie got bored of it so he proposed a super Asian fight, which of course Jet Li accepted. During the fight, Jackie Chan decided to go Super Asian 2 (There going all Dragonball Z without the constipation part) and began owning our good friend Li. Jackie was winning, until Jet Li went Super Asian 3. While they were fighting, they both did a real Ka-me-ha-me-Ha therefore causing a Solar Flare. Scientists should look at Asians because if they did, it would help explain strange phenomenon.

See also[edit]