Kim Jong-un
“I'm a little despot, short and stout.”
The Great Successor, or the Great Chairman, Mr Kim "Rocket Man" Jong-un, also referred to as The FATernAL Leader and Party Chairman, Kim Jong Number-Un, Kim V3.0 and Launcher Of Failed Missiles, is the son of the world's greatest dictator of all time without a mustache, Kim Jong-il. He is the grandson of Kim Il-sung, the ever-shining sun and zombie-president of North Korea, and a future glorious dictator of the Awesomest Land in the World – The Korean Sun Empire.
Life[edit]
The location and date of Kim Jong-un's birth is unknown because enemies of The People's Republic of Korea (over which he reigns) avoid imagining Kim Jong-il during coitus, but it is assumed that he did the deed while listening to Big in Japan, One night in Bangkok or (I just) died in your arms tonight. However, there were several eyewitnesses, unfortunately all of them dead due to natural causes such as lead poisoning of vital organs, who faithfully recorded the signs that indicated his descent from the heavens.Kim Jong-un is known in North Korea as the greatest toy rocket shooter, and bans all toy rockets that will shoot higher than his home-made ones. He often likes to threaten world peace by firing his biggest rockets into the air and hoping they make it out of his backyard.
Kim Jong-un was hidden by his father in Switzerland, where he was forced to learn English, German, and a weird French accent. At the age of 14, a man with a large overcoat inside a public toilet introduced him to romantic candle-lit dinners, walks upon sandy shores and mass executions. Kim Jong-un holds the Guinness World Record for "Fastest Poo Trajectory Speed" at Mach 2. As a young boy, he grew a great interest in toy rockets, and even to this day his toy rocket obsession is strong.
The Prophecy[edit]
Kim Jong-un's father realises that he is slowly beginning to melt under too much exposure of the brightness of Kim Il-sung's sun, so he decided it was time to present his son to the curious people all over the world. North Korea experts expected Kim Jong-Il's first son, Kim Jong-nam to succeed his father but 'Nam' disgraced himself to his family while visiting Disneyland in Tokyo and puking all over Space Mountain, and got arrested for being a 'public nuisance'. Kim McJong-girl, the second son of Il, is also not good enough for a political career in the glory country of North Korea and now lives in Scotland as Ruth Davidson. Nevertheless, the leader of North Korea needs a penis, even if it's a short one! So Kim Jong-un was the only person left to take the lead after his father was gone.
When Kim Jong-Il was still alive, Kim Jong-un had control over the army and learnt how to dominate people who are less powerful than him. Once everybody in his country is afraid of him, he will take charge of the Korean nuclear program and bother his southern neighbour with subterranean atomic bombs just to shake the country and ruin their crockery.
When he took power, he appointed his previous position as leader of the army to Jean-Claude Van Damme, who was renamed to Kim Jong-Claude. The main function of Un is now organizing oversized military parades where the most beautiful potraits of him and his ancestors are shown. The painter of the best portrait is allowed to look ten minutes over the south Korean border.
In February 2010, a 5000-year-old song was found in an old cellar in Pjöngjang which pays definitive homage to the birth and leadership of Kim Jong-un. All children learned this song — spontaneously and without being forced in any way! The song says that Un will reunite Korea as a communistic paradise for every human, except Americans. The USA will be banned from the Earth and sent to space just by his will!
Ascension to power[edit]
Kim V3.0 arrested released himself to his subjects on realising that The Dear Leader, aka V2.0, would soon become The Dead Leader. V3.0 demonstrated not only all the bugs from all the previous versions but also plenty of new ones as well. His built in games were found to be far more exciting, bloodier and sinister by his subjects. He thus assured his subjects of no major disruption of their heavenly lifestyle and mentally prepared them for the dreadful event ahead.
His father, glorious emperor Kim Jong-Il with a terrible heart attack, soon became Kim Jong-Dead as expected. He publicly announced that all people in country need to show up on main square and divide themselves into groups of 10. They will be given 10 straws, but one is shorter than the others. It is a sad day for a person who takes out the shortest straw, because he will live, and the other ones will be sacrificed in glory of their great emperor. This was a remarkable and innovative substitute to the standard norm of ritualistic crying.
The survivors, however, were sentenced by Kim to hang by the Jong Until dead.
He also promised a new-clear future for North Korea and exhorted North Koreans to follow emperor Kim Jong-Un faithfully.
A New Hope[edit]
It seems that we have lost. North Korea will crush us all and we'll live in suffering and pain. But there is hope! According to a boy in Switzerland who was visiting the same class, Kim likes Basketball and Michael Jordan. However, his favorite basketball player in the world is Dennis Rodman. Rodman, whom Kim assumed to be President Obama upon first sight, has swiftly become Kim's right hand man and personal maid, cook, plummer, powder room assailant, lover, among other things.
To promote peace between North Korea and the U.S.A., Kim and Rodman organized a basketball game between former NBA players and North Korean basketball stars, with Kim himself manning the point-guard position. It didn't end well, however. Though Kim might have been the guard, his only real experience with guards is calling them in to behead generals. This play is not found in the NBA rulebook, and Kim failed to reach the basket even once and wound up threatening a missile strike. He had to be taken off the court as a basket case. Kim is finished as a basketball star, but to everyone else's delight, he will remain in the public spotlight as a gifted and enthusiastic dictator.
North Korean war on food[edit]
Kim recently declared a war on food in North Korea. It has been reported that North Korea's McDonalds, as well as it's Crispy Creme Donuts and Chipotle restaurants have had a shortage of food as of late. Nobody knows the reason for this, but restaurant workers say a stout midget with a black hairpiece has recently been entering their stores with a large garbage bag and had ordered very large amounts of food. Kim cannot deal with this and has officially declared a war on food. Little did he know that he infact caused this food shortage.
Death (so far, everyone else's)[edit]
Kim Jong-Un's unheroic looks haven't stopped the 'fat kid' from unleashing threats and throwing tantrums. In 2012, his navy sank the South Korean fishing fleet when they crossed into disputed waters after chasing a mackerel with a poor sense of orientation.
In 2013, Kim had ex-girlfriend Hyon Song-wol and her mates executed by firing squad when their home movies were leaked to China, showing a lot of free boobage. However, Song-wol appeared in public a year later so at least she was still on this planet. However, there was no doubt what happened to Kim Jong-un's uncle Jang Song-thaek. He was tied up on a shooting range and killed by a field fun fired by Kim Jong-un. Reasons? Kim Jong-un thought it would be a funny prank to play on someone he had long wanted to 'retire'. The news broke on what was the 12th to most readers in the English-speaking world, but it was certainly Friday the 13th for Uncle.
In the early months of January 2014, news began to leak of the death of Kim Jong-Il. The world listened for news with anticipation, which was met with a statement from Mr. Kim himself
| “ | I'm not dead. My personal friend and bodyguard, Jong-Win, was mistakenly seen as myself and in effect was killed. American operatives began jumping and spinning on the spot, one firing his sniper rifle without even looking down his scope. | ” |
The death of Kim's bodyguard later went without any repercussions from the regime.
New heights[edit]
In April 2014, Kim was airlifted climbed the highest mountain in North Korea. He was accompanied by his personal army and baby. For Kim's own safety, anyone on the mountain at the time his helicopter he arrived at the top was thrown off the side. He was photographed in many dictator-esque poses before he was flown off left to climb back down the mountain.
Family deaths[edit]
Kim Jong-un was overjoyed saddened at the death of his elder brother Kim Jong 'Fat Bear'-Nam; Jong-un invented and performed Jongnam Style in memory of his brother, a song shamelessly stolen and popularized by the renegades in the South. Kim Jong-Nam, the eldest surviving member of the Kim dienasty dynasty, died from inhaling Vietnamese perfume, made from Kim Jong-uniya orchid flower extract made from Singapore, whilst waiting for a plane in Malaysia. Two women have since been arrested for the deadly assault. Both claim it was a YouTube prank gone wrong and that it was still better than Logan Paul's video, and not an assassination. Kim, has asked Malaysia to return his brother's body so that it can be stuffed and placed inside North Korea's Enemies of the Revolutionary Patriotic Korean People museum, alongside other family members, distant cousins, extended family members of his extended family, and ex-girlfriends of Kim Jong-un.
If other things hadn't gone wrong Kim Jong-un's secret sibling Michael Chung showed up with his own rocket designed to make the whole land of North Korea Obese however the fat Kim didn't want that coz he wanted to be the fattest cubby boy in the land so he jumped on the rocket. using his fat as f*** he blasted open the control room and deactivated the system however his fatness got in the way causing the skinny leaver to be activated. To make things worse this caused the whole area of North Korea to become skinny. yet again another one of Kim's brothers died as the skinny-ness... MADE HIM HEALTHY. It turned out that Michael wasn't actually his brother but Kim Jong Nam in disguised however this time he was dead forever. As he shed a single super salty tear onto his corpse. Kim then later decided to shoot him into the ocean on a giant rocket to feed Godzilla, pleased with this skinny Asian offering he then went to destroy Tokyo
Mad Tea Parties with other ignorant nations[edit]
In 2018 Kim Jong-un went on a couple of holiday breaks after killing (by accident) all the necessary people he deemed 'unimportant'. The first was to China to share a panda with. In April Kim Jong-un meet a Moonie after exploring the depths of the forbidden zone known as the DMZ. This was the South Korean leader Moon Jae-in. They agreed to physically merge and become one person to be called Kim Moon-Shine. Sadly the North Korean people were not aware of the meeting.
Mad Trump's Tea Party[edit]
In a bold decision after being possessed by the south Koreans, he decided the time is ripe to host a nice meeting with his North Korea employee-of-the-month Donald Trump in Little Red Dot in June 2018. Kim wrote (in North Korean), I Promise to Dissemble my Nuclear Weapons and gave it to Trump while eating chili crab with him. The Leader of the Free World smiled and placed it in his pocket. We have dealed!. Analysts, however, wondered if Kim Jong-un mispelt what he wrote in his message.
This was Kim Jong-un's greatest day. Even the state media of North Korea KCNA has a full 200-page essay of his trip in Singapore, with 199.5 of them being pictures. He came back to Pyongyang thinking: I shoule have the Merlion placed beside my father's statue.
Reforming the devil[edit]
By the spring of 2020, it was clear that the devil had lost his 20/20 vision and deviated from the ways of diabolical materialism.
Emperor Xi, a close comrade, complained to the eternal emperor Kim Ill-sick about the devil's inefficiency in spreading the Coronavirus.
Emperor Kim flew into a rage and tasked his spitting cobra image, Kim Un-Sung Kim Jong-un, with reforming or replacing the devil. Jong-un met with the devil and taught him the basics of juche. The Devil was also assured of life in a North Korean labour camp in case he didn't reform. An alarmed devil became twice as vile as his previous self. After this successful operation, Kim Jong-un reappeared on Planet Earth at, quite aptly, a fertiliser factory.
Official Biography[edit]
Litany of lies characteristic of propaganda by personality cult based regimes
Birth[edit]
- Swallows foretold the
disasterbirth of Kim Jong-un. - Numerous Rainbows appeared over mount Paekdu and were visible even at night.
- Heavenly rockets and missiles flew over Japan, South Korea and Guam.
- A massive
blackholestar of incomparable brilliance appeared in the skies. - The heavenly cranes tasked with delivering the future emperor, screeched and collapsed under his weight angering Emperor Kim I, who despatched them to labour camps for anti-revolutionary activities
Since then[edit]
- Started walking and talking at the age of 2 months.
- Solved Rubik's cube in 10 pico-seconds at the age of 3 months.
- Learned to shoot at the age of 5 months and was an expert marksman and hitman by 6 months.
- Designed his first missile at the age of 8 months.
- Sired a baby at the age of 14 months.
- Learnt to drive automobiles
over peopleat 18 months and was a dirt track racer by 20 months. - Learnt to pilot fighter aircrafts expertly by 30 months. The imperialists hoping for a disaster called his safe landing a catastrophe.
- Wrote a much acclaimed commentary on Marxism, Leninism and Maoism towards creation of communist
parasitesparadise at the age of three years. - Went to Switzerland at 14 years to teach his noble ideas to vile imperialists.
- Co-invented, along with his father, a dish named "Double bun with meat and sauce in-between" for the benefit of his slaves, used to sausage and sauce between buns. This dish has since been copied by western imperialists as Burger , causing hunger, famine and economic hardship in North Korea.
- Nature didn't call him, out of deference. Hence he never felt the need to answer nature's call. A fact mocked by imperialists who called him full of shit. Unfair since there should be space for piss and gas in him as well.
- Invented the Un screw-driver, a drink that upon consumption makes people volunteer for slave labour.
- Inspired the founding of the Un cyclopedia.
- When he played golf, the holes, anxious to have his balls in them, started to move randomly to achieve the same.
See also[edit]
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