Korean-American women
In the United States, ethnic Korean women have now been divided into five subspecies by ethnobiologists.[1] All subspecies are related to the former single root subspecies of Korean-American woman, Koreana koreanus jumbojettis.[2] The latter are virtually indistinguishable from the major species in Korea, Koreana koreanus. Subspecies jumbojettis is known to make long migratory trips back and forth to Korea to enjoy and participate in modern Korean life. This includes street rioting and watching Korean TV that only consists of programs with families talking at the dinner table.
Subspecies overview[edit]
The U.S. has a dedicated set of adopted girl babies (subspecies assimilibus) that appeared beginning in the 1950s. Korea forbade the export of boys as they were the next generation of cannon fodder and needed to fill out the depleted ranks of criminal gangs. assimilibus is typically raised by a Caucasian family and thinks herself to be Caucasian and does not share in most of the traits of other subspecies. However the first incident while standing and waiting in a mall store and being told by a Caucasian customer "Gettee me handbaggee from top shelf, chop-chop!" causes this subspecies to acquire the characteristic flaring nostrils and red eyes for which it is known.
Subspecies princessus was first seen in the 1960s, the spoiled children of parents aspiring to the American Dream and working 24/7. Members of princessus are easily recognized by their high-end consumerism and love of bling. While fairly common, you may not be able to observe the subspecies closely as you are beneath their notice and they are driving too fast for your chump car to keep up with.
Subspecies [redacted] are female Korean CIA agents sent to keep tabs on expatriates and to manipulate US politicians, but the less said about them, the better it is for editor longevity.
Scientist are split on the existence of subspecies five (tentative subspecies name mericadomesticus), as some see too many similarities with other subspecies. While they may have some of the key characteristics of other subspecies, they are often excluded from interaction with other subspecies. mericadomesticus are immigrants arriving as young women in their early 20s or teenage adoptees that made it to the US because their new parents screwed up filling out the adoption papers and forgot to ask for a baby. They may or may not be feral even though that quality in useful in inner city America.
These women are imported to Michigan in batches, where they receive names like "Kara", "Tara", and other distinctive names ending in "ara". Once in Michigan, they learn to cook Korean dishes of a sort. The "food" is meant as an aphrodisiac to attract American mates, and supposedly includes dumplings, kimchi, and pork bulgoki. However, without traditional help or ingredients, the results are often adapted from Spam, Tang and Chef Boyardee products. The USDA has issued a public safety statement urging extreme caution with this Korean-American "food".
Physical traits[edit]
Korean-American females are not always easy to recognize. The female normally has black hair. However, many have opted for a henna rinse or blonde dyeing calling it their "natural color" as have nearly half a billion other Asians, male or female. So just look for black roots. If you are unsure a woman with black hair is Korean, look for a flabby stomach and wide calves. Alternatively, look for a bucket of dumplings, which the female usually carries to feed her mate. Should you witness the female pass the bucket to the mate in public, immediately provide a distraction to allow the male an opportunity to dispose of the dumplings.
Natural habitat[edit]
Korean-American women love nature. The love for nature causes them to migrate to Boston's Brighton neighborhood. It is thought that Brighton provides a natural habitat to women of Korean descent. One will find Korean-American women near bus stops, train stations, and other areas with clean air and abundant vegetation. Korean-American women enjoy hiking and mountain climbing in central Boston's many nature trails. Hot spots include the three-meter-wide corridor that straddles each train track, as well as bus routes.
Similarly, the Koreatown and This-Isn't-Koreatown-Don't-Call-Us-That districts of Los Angeles provide invigorating access to the pungent brown air reminiscent of Seoul. Resident women there think nothing is better than communing with nature by watching their grannies pull weeds in the yard.
Korean-American women are known for and identifiable by their immaculately clean nests. This is exclusive of the princessus type, who prefers to let their grandmothers, judgemental neighbors or hired help to keep things clean. While some suspect that garbage is purposely dumped in Korean-American neighborhoods so that somebody will clean it up, it is known that famously tidy Swiss immigrants have gotten into outright war over whose yard and neighborhood was cleaner. Both groups do clean up their spent shells from drive-bys and spray deodorant to clear the smell of gunpowder from the air.
Reproduction and mating[edit]
If you are a Caucasian male, Korean-American women of the subspecies jumbojettis and mericadomesticus want your baby. They will ask your stance on marriage on the first date, and perhaps will invite you to bed to make a baby. Second dates consist of nest making. You will know nesting is occurring if you see a baby crib, a set of baby toys, and a pile of baby clothes in her room on the second date.
The reason for this is clear. Examine the woman's forehead and you will see a red spot. Rather than indicating that she is a married Hindu, you will notice that it is not makeup but a glowing red spot from a rifle laser sight. This is being pointed at her by her mother hiding somewhere in nearby trees, carefully camouflaged. You will see this red spot spread out every few minutes then re-focus into a spot again. When it does this, it causes a trilingual message (English, Korean and leet) to appear to the target. The image shown is always the "dancing baby" from Ally McBeal and the text usually reads as how making Mom a grandmother would be so great and that grandma would be the perfect babysitter for a child up until it becomes an adult at age 30. Or else.
This is why first dates usually involve the woman nervously chattering only about:
- "Oh, I wish I had a brand new baby crib. I have to go. I have to go buy a new baby crib. Put your pants on. I have to go."
- "Oh, I wish I had brand new baby toys. I have to go. I have to go buy new baby toys. Put your pants on. I have to go."
- "Oh, I wish I had brand new baby clothes. I have to go. I have to go buy new baby clothes. Put your pants on. I have to go.
as high quality listening equipment is also being used to track her every move.
Other traits[edit]
Artistic sensibility[edit]
Korean-American females believe in artistic freedom, and refuse to discriminate between good music and bad music. According to them, "No music is bad music". The female has an affinity for long drives, which she sees as an opportunity to share her stance on artistic freedom. A male mate learns to cope with the Korean-American female by shutting down the radio and "enjoying" the sound of the car engine. The male then retreats to a distant place of his mind, where he pretends food and music are pleasant aesthetic experiences.
Intuition[edit]
Ethnic Korean women read between the lines. Unlike men and women of other ethnicities, Korean-American women always successfully read between the lines. This talent is not vulnerable to failure at any time, which is why Korean-American women never jump to wrong conclusions about their partners. You will know when a female partner successfully reads between the lines when the conclusion confuses the American male. When the female of subspecies jumbojettis or mericandomesticus has found out negative matters about her mate, she immediately initiates a new search for an alternate baby father. One will know another search for a baby father is in the works when the Korean-American female adds yet another baby crib to her room, complete with yet another set of baby toys and another pile of baby clothes.
References[edit]
- ↑ Proving that some scientists have nothing better to do except split classification hairs, probably due to a desperate need to pick a fight with their colleagues.
- ↑ Supposedly still Homo sapiens but apparently named this way to obtain grant money from current government administrations run by Intelligent Design advocates.
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