Xi Jinping

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Red Capital Statist Emperor Xi Ping: "I stand up next to a mountain, And I chop it down with the edge of my hand". Xi Jinping channelling Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Chile.

Xi Ping is current General Secretary for life of the Chinese Communist Party, Dictator-for-ever-lasting-life of Asia and a first Emperor of the new Ping Dynasty (access denied). The Pings will re-route Chinese history to the greater glory of the Middle Kingdom and now have the Mandate from Heaven.

China's return to Imperial rule will be welcome by everyone in the porcelain industry. We once had the Ming Dynasty. Welcome to the Ping Dynasty. Xi Ping chose this time to become emperor to prevent the rival Pooh Dynasty from making their move and turn China into one giant Disneyland franchise.


Xi Ping was born in Peking before moving to Beijing on a different dimension. His original Chinese name was 脂肪 人 运行 快速 (Fat Man Run Fast). Xi changed it to 赢得 膝盖 的 公安 条例 (Xi Jinping) when he joined the Communist party at the age of three months. His first job was choosing which of his companions were worthy of future patronage and who he could rid of.


Good evening. This is the news and the news is all about me. Goodnight.

Xi Jinping became General Secretary of the Communist Party of China in November 2012. General Secretary is the most powerful position in one-party Communist China, that the officeholder is usually considered the "paramount leader" of China. There was only an internal 'election' (actually none at all) with the expectation that like his successors that he would be leader for a few years, make his money and retire into obscurity. This wasn't to be the case. Xi Jinping believed in his own rhetoric. He was going to be China and China was going to be him.

First thing to do was to prevent the Chinese from reading anything hostile about the government. People in China would be free to make money if they had the right Party connections but free to think or look at Wikipedia unless most of the content relating to China was redacted. The same approach was adopted towards this website. The Chinese were therefore barred from learning about Pedobear.


Officially of course, a paramount leader or an emperor can never fail. All mistakes come from below and will be punished. Live organ transplants.

Winnie the Pooh[edit]

When you're stuffed in a rabbit hole, call Pest Control. (Chinese saying).

Xi Jinping hates Winnie the Pooh. A meme suggesting he and the imaginary bear were related were removed from the Chinese internet. The very name 'Winnie the Pooh' was removed. The bear is now classed as an Enemy of China. Disney have been banned from selling any merchandise relating to the class enemy from Britain who lives in a wood with an educationally challenged pig.

Dictator for Life[edit]

In 2017 the Chinese Communist party confirmed Xi Jinping was now dictator for as long as he breathed. This development was loudly approved by the World's leading despots in Russia, North Korea and the newly renamed, the United Trumps of America.

Xi explained the decision in terms of needing to align two more powerful posts — General Secretary of the Communist Party and Chairman of the Central Military Commission which are no term limits.


Xi has already established warm relations with Czar Vladimir Putin of All the Russias and hoped the same with Donald Trump, the Despot of the Trump Organisation and President of the USA. After initial friendly contacts, relations turned sour when China declined to come out openly in support of Trump. Now there is a new Cold War in Asia, this one will come with extra noodles but no extra soy sauce.

China has now decided that the South China Sea will now forthwith known as the South Chinese Sea. Islands are being turned into airfields and mines will be laid across shipping lines if the USA or its allies interfere.