Puking
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Puking (from Latin puking, meaning to cast upon) is a long-cherished artform. Its origin is unknown, but it started spreading as an outlet for patients with eating disorders all across the globe. Mainstream media were skeptical, calling it "an unhealthy obsession" and "smelly". Though shunned at first, it gradually gained acceptance with the contemporary cultural elite. As late as 1999, however, President Bill Clinton referred to it as "disgusting" in a famous press conference when presented with a sample from famous artist Honduras Ali.
Origins[edit]
In the late 19th century a new fad was on the rise. In the shadows of the ordered life of the general populace, a group of failed medical students had observed, with amazement and awe, as certain patients with eating disorders had with only the help of fingers found a way to escape the horrible reality in which they lived. The group, inspired by Karl Marx, took it out of the hospital and into the streets. They saw it as a way to escape the horrors of the real world. Child labor, bad working conditions and general boredom were facing the people, as television had not been invented yet. The leader of the group, Brooke Styles, stated in an interview right before her death, "Puking symbolizes everything human about being human, the ability not just to open up, to let your feelings out, but to literally show your insides to the world, to give of yourself, by yourself but for others, with a staggering lack of self-interest, plus it's a brilliant way to stay in shape". That in effect describes the intent of the pioneers: to give of themselves, to a world so starved of empathy and hope.
Right from the get-go the group generated controversy. Accusations of everything from indecency to cannibalism filled the newspapers on a near daily basis. But most people just couldn't see the point. People everywhere were discussing its merit, the query into the nature of art is believed to have first come to life in this context.
Scientists, philosophers and even politicians were quick to distance themselves from the rising wave of pukers everywhere. In 1904, Mario Leonetti, an Italian member of parliament, was caught puking in a public restroom at lunchtime. His political opponents used the opportunity to throw endless amounts of shit upon him. Luigi, his brother who recently had disappeared mysteriously, was said to be found fragmented in various works of art credited to Mario. He responded by throwing up his arms in resignation and resigning from his post. From now on, puking and cannibalism were connected in the minds of people, and it would take someone special to break that bond.
Maturing as an artform[edit]
It was the work of one single man, the man that finally made puking the respected artform its founders envisioned it to be.
William "The Flamethrower" Hayes, born in a small village outside of Liverpool in 1905. When exploring the local cuisine he came across the art of puking, fairly young. He was hooked. His teenage years consisted of nothing but puking and eating, puking and eating and eating and puking. According to his mother he quantified the volume of his work rather early. Indeed in his high school diary it's stated that he generally puked about 14-18 liters per day in that period. He even experimented with color, he made the connection that what you had eaten was reflected in the quality of your puke (color, smell, taste). These findings sparked a revolution in the field, ignited the imagination of fellow pukers such as Vlad Timov, who went on to create the famous puke loop, puke, eat puke and puke again, also known as the Timov Circle.
In the Nonexistent Age (1904-1925) when puking was regarded as blasé and vulgar, and pukers were confined to practice their trade in secrecy, Hayes took the battle to the public. He went into the library and placed a light blue masterpiece with a scent of vanilla in the lap of the beautiful but reserved librarian, who then started screaming violently, violating the most sacred rule in her own realm.
Eventually the authorities tired of Hayes' antics and in 1924, after he decorated a police car with bright red pile of vomit, he was put on trial and jailed for vandalism. This sparked outrage in the cultural sphere, even though the so called more noble arts didn't have much in common with puking, the concept of freedom of expression was at stake here. This mobilized artists everywhere to take a stand for this irrevocable right. Respectable liberals, who otherwise wouldn't get so much as get close to a puke, started to do it as an act of civil disobedience. Albert Einstein, for example, put some of his theoretical knowledge to work, puking in the middle of a lecture at the University of Jena. It was all but unremarkable, though it signaled something far bigger. In 1925 the pressure directed at Liverpudlian authorities became too much to handle. In a well-documented stunt Hayes were released and in a beautiful publicity stunt, he and the police-chief shook hands and puked side by side.
Today[edit]
Acceptance only grew, but the movement continued to be opposed sporadically. It slowly ingrained itself in the cultural fabric of the western world, redefined everyone's perception of what art is. Today, pukers are celebrated as national heroes throughout most of the developed world. The sky is the limit, literally, as eating gunpowder to explore the vertical limits of puking is the new black. Other pukers are taking the Timov Circle to new extremes. Ron Paul is successfully ejecting the same sample today as he did in 1976.
Technique[edit]
The art has come a long way since the old fingerstyle that dominated in the early days.
- Classical Style
This is the classical fingerstyle. It can best be described as trying to swallow your hand. It simple, effective yet messy. Modern users tend to use protective gloves to shield their hand from getting salivated. Despite is simplicity it does have a few pitfalls. It is not recommended if you are trying to beat the liters/min record because it is simply to slow. Newcomers also find using this method a bit uncomfortable.
- Salt Style
The newbie proof style. Just take a spoon of ordinary table salt and place it at the back of your tongue. This is a more clinical method of puking, but it has been criticized for taking the human element out of it. Reducing the most prolific pukers to those who has the most money. If you can afford to spoil one tonne of table salt, puking 60 liters a day isn't that big of a challenge anymore. It is also slow and tedious, and require a lot of preparation. All in all, a good style for beginners, but the expert should look to explore different techniques.
- Taistis Mechanism
Edmund Taisti was always at the front lines of puking development, but his most lasting legacy is still his famous mechanism. By combining a straw with a plastic cone, somewhat like a funnel, he invented the most consistent way to puke over 30 meters. By using a specially constructed variety of this mechanism, lengths of over 45 meters have been achieved. You use it by placing it funnel first inside your throat, gazing up and pouring large amounts of salt inside the straw. A quick repositioning of the head to the best angle possible, ultimate wind conditions and a diet of beer and Mexican food for two weeks prior and you got the world record. This should honestly never be used if you are not trying to beat that record. It's messy, complicated, uncomfortable and it really saps away at the soul of the art. Taistis Mechanism popped the virginity of puking and made it into a cock-measuring contest.
- Japanese Method
This method can be summarized in three words. No mouth required. Instead of taking the slower route, Japanese pukers figured out the more sensible alternative, poking a hole in your stomach in the exact right place. The liters/min has turned to an eating contest where contestants eat and puke simultaneously. Skeptics say that it isn't really puking, but according to chemical analysis it's basically the same substance, so who cares? If you want to be the best, this is the method you'll have to use nowadays. You cannot keep up with the finger method, sorry. Plus multiple scars are sexy.