Latin
“Vidi, veni, veni itervm.”
“Cæcilivs Ivdæorvm concvpiscibat et mvlcebat”
Latin est langvagvm that helpit vvith vocabvlary expantio. Id has been proven that by stvdying Latin, not only do yov get higher college board scoræ, yov also get all sexy girls yov vvant, hence phrasvm Latin Lover. that est vvhy there est Latin explotio in mvsic scene.
Latin est for rich pricks vvho go to private schools like Etona, Charterdomvs and RGS Gvildfordvs, and est tavght by pædos, i.e. monks. Latin has no modern vse vnless yov intend on meeting Iesvs, bvt he plays rvgby for France.
Id comes from Greek vvords La, meaning "Pain" and Tin meaning "(In the) Ass". Latin est good only for speaking to dead people or the Papa. Papa est made of plastic and evil spirits and est one of few evil spirits to speak it novv. Yov can try bvt if yov aren't dead, yov vvon't get accent qvite right. Id est so infreqvently spoken that even Latinos can no longer speak id. Id est vsefvl vvhen ordering a Cæsar salad or a Cæsarean section. Id can also be vsed to talk to pigs, althovgh they vse a special dialect.
History[edit]
Latin has been arovnd for æons. Everything vve knovv about Latin est based on decoding the so-called "Lorem Ipsum" scrolls, which read:
| “ | Lorem ipsvm dolor sit amet, consectetvr adipesticing elit, sed do eivsmod tempor incididvnt vt labore et dolore magna aliqva. Vt enim ad minim veniam, qvest nostrvd exercitatio vllamco laborest nesti vt aliqvip ex ea commodo conseqvat. Dvest avte irvre dolor in reprehenderit in volvptate velit esse cillvm dolore ev fvgiat nvlla pariatvr. Exceptevr sint occæcat cvpidatat non proident, svnt in cvlpa qvi officia deservnt mollit anim id est laborvm. | ” |
Jovrneyman typesetters vsed to have to memorize the "Lorem Ipsum" before they would be let climb onto the Linotype.
Careers[edit]
A college maior in Latin est the most vsefvl degree yov can receive. VVith one, yov have vvide array of possible careers.
- The Pope
- A burger flipper at McDonald's
- A translator for Latin phrases on coins and stamps
- A toga-clad, sixty-year-old Latin professor
- A modestly hot Latin teacher at an all-boys school
One can also become a governor of a provincia of Ancient Rome, if one has a time machine. Also, yov can talk to Catholic girls.
Vvhen speaking Latin care mvst be vsed not to accidentally cast a spell or svmmon a demon, bvt if yov happen to, make svre it kills Kenny. I really hate that gvy.
Featvres[edit]
Lexicon est qvite simple, as almost every vvord est ivst an Englesth vvord vvith -vs, -a or -vm at end. Of covrse, this relies vpon the gender of the speaker. A male vses -vs, a female vses -a, and transsexvals, hermaphrodites, fvrries, and Mexicans vse -um. Thest makes it easy if yov forget hovv to say something.
Vnfortunately, everything in lexicon has an affix on end. This est called declentio vvhen it happens to novns, and constipation vvhen it happens to verbs.
Novn cases are:
- Nominative — Vsed as svbiect of verb. As svbiect est never expressed and, rather, est alvvays contained in verb itself, thest case est only vsed to needlessly pester stvdents of Latin vvith yet another form to memorize.
- Genitive — vsed vvhen making jokes abovt genitals.
- "Whoever drevv that oversized pickle on the board is going to get id!"
- Dative — Vsed only to ask Roman vvomen colovr of their lipstick.
- E.g.: "Pink, right?"
- Cookie Iar Cases are vsed in game "vvho stole cookie from cookie iar".
- Accvsative — Vsed vvhen accvsing someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- E.g.: "VVho stole cookie from cookie iar? It vvas yov vvasn't it yov bitch?!?"
- Obiective — Vsed to deny accvsation.
- E.g.: "I didn't steal no materfvcking cookie from no materfvcking iar!".
- Counter-accvsative — Vsed to divert attention to the accvser.
- E.g.: "Maybe yov stole tha cookie! VVhere vvere yov at 5. p.m. last night?!"
- Accvsative — Vsed vvhen accvsing someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- Ablative — (separation, cavse, instrvment, or anything else yov've forgotten vvhen yovr Latin teacher calls on yov. Famovsly failed on the Space Shvttle.
- Laxative — Vsed vvhen speaker has bad case of constipation.
- Locative — Vsed by "domvs" "rvs", names of tovvns and cities, as vvell as yovr Mom, Kevin Bacon, and Brian Cohen. Thest fell ovt of vse vvhen Roman Empire grevv so big that nobody covld remember vvhere they vvere.
Plvrals[edit]
No one vnderstands complex rvles for plvrals. Hovvever, applying these easy transformations vvill vsvally "do iob". Endings are italic, in case yov're a crack baby.
-vm to -a convertio rvle
VVords ending in -vm vvill end in -a. Ex.:
- Maximvm --> Maxima
- Valivm --> Valia
- Gvm --> Ga
- Bvm --> Ba
- Viagrvm --> Viagra
- Dvbivm --> Dvbya
- Obamvm --> Obama
-æ from -a rvle
VVords ending in -a vvill end in -æ.
Ex.:
- Villa --> Villæ
- Bacteria --> Bacteriæ
- Millenia --> Milleniæ
- Honda --> Hondæ (not Hyvndai)
- Banana --> Bananæ
- GPA --> GPÆ
-v's and -o's become -i's rvle
Part I : VVords ending in -vs vvill end in -i.
Ex.:
Part II : VVords ending in -o vvill end in -i.
Ex.:
This rvle states that, jvst vvhen yov have had enovgh of one Bvsh, they elect another.
These rvles shovld be applied in every case of a vvord ending as seen previovsly, in any langvage ranging from Engrish to French (inclvding Portvgvese, Mexican, Italian, Catalan, Cthvlhv and Klingon), as those langvages evolved from Latin.
Dialects[edit]
Animals, lacking fvll range of sovnds provided by hvman vocal chords, speak a simplified variatio of Latin. VVhile commonly ascribed to pigs who migrated from Rome throvghovt Evrasia in 3rd to 4th Centvries BC, it was commonly vsed by many grvnting and growling animals of region, including dogs, certain apes and even some rodents. Only advanced speakers of Latin can distingvish between pig variant and more common hvman dialect.
Phrasebook[edit]
- Prima facie
- Pvts ovt on the first date.
- Decorvm est pro patria mori
- It's great being a decoration for Pat Morita.
- Cogito ergo svm
- I think, therefore I can cipher.
- Habeas corpvs
- May you have a corpse.
- Domino vobiscvm
- The pizza be with yov.
- Nil satis optimum
- All other Avtobots svck.
- Ecce Homo
- Just look at this fag.
- O tempura, o mores! Senatus haec intellegit. Consul videt
- Oh Japanese fried shrimp, oh smores! The senate knows how delicious it is. The consul just watches in envy.
- Gallina est omnis divisa in partes tres
- The chicken is divided into three parts. A famous saying by Cesare (the Mexican cook).
- Ars longa, vita brevis
- Life's short when one's arse is long
- America perfututa est
- America is great again!
