Honorius
“Fried chicken is a crime against Caesar”
“I want to kiss my sister (for starters)”
Mighty Rome, the city that had conquered all rivals, pinned back the Persians, killed scores of tattooed barbarians, the creator of mighty buildings and straight roads, would be in 395 A.D. the inheritance of a boy aged 11 who preferred talking to chickens and hiding under couches over defending his subjects from the big, bad barbarian dudes on the frontier.
Give a big welcome to Honorius (Failus Feeblus Honorius Hopelessus) who, in a reign that lasted over a quarter century, managed to lose half his inheritance and let Rome fall to Alaric the Goth in 410. He couldn't have done worse if he had given the barbarians a set of keys to every fortress in the empire.
How the shades of Julius Caesar, Augustus, and Trajan would have shouted at the boy as he spent his time counting hens instead of defending the Roman Empire in the West! Honorius had no friends — save one: the Catholic Church and St. Augustine, who blamed all the Romans' losses on Original sin.
Rip it in two[edit]
Honorius was the youngest son of Roman emperor Theodosius the Great. His elder brother Arcadius, a game-addicted teenager, bullied Honorius and locked him in the chicken coop. Imperial prince and birds bonded, and Honorius promised he would never eat another chicken sandwich.
In 393, Honorius became Roman emperor and travelled with his father to Milan. Brother Arcadius was left Home Alone in Constantinople. Theodosius crushed all opposition and declared that the Roman Empire could now look forward to decades of peace. The only fly in the ointment was the presence of the Visigoths in the Balkans and their hard-to-make-laugh leader Alaric the Goth, but that should have been easy task for any of Caesar's legions.
Theodosius celebrated Christmas in Milan — and then celebrated death a couple weeks later. Gossip was that Theodosius's top general Stilicho had left chicken bones in the imperial soup for both father and son, but hadn't known Honorius no longer ate white meat. There was another fly in the ointment: Theodosius had never worked out any power-sharing arrangement for his two sons. The result was a Holy Roman Empire for each boy. Moreover, Theodosius not only had the gene for indecision but Honorius inherited a double copy of it. Honorius sent a message to his brother Arcadius with the news that their father was dead and that he was now First Banana in the West. If Arcadius replied, it was lost in the post; he dug in, in the East.
Stilicho and the Germans[edit]
It didn't take Stilicho that long after Theodosius died (about a minute) to conclude that he was the real ruler of the Roman Empire — East and West. Since Constantinople was a hike, Rome would have to do. Stilicho assured Honorius he could marry any girl in the Empire — as long as it was one of Stilicho's daughters. Honorius kicked the furniture and scuffed his sandals as he was dragged to church to marry Maria Quarter Vandal in 398. Maria 'QV' wasn't much older than Honorius, but the birds he fancied came with feathers and a beak.
In the East, Arcadius rebuffed Stilicho from Constantinople, but only after he persuaded Arcadius to send the army against the Visigoths, who were still residing in Greece on a 20-year holiday after crashing the gate and killing emperor Valens at Adrianople. The Visigoths were beaten and Arcadius got a victory column erected in his honour. However, now the hairy men moved towards the Western Roman Empire, being informed the pickings there were easier.
There followed a merry chase, as Alaric the Goth led his mates into Italy via a back door. Rome hadn't had barbarians this far south since Manchester United played A.C. Milan back in '97. This led to Honorius moving himself and his imperial court to Ravenna, a city located near the Adriatic that was difficult to besiege unless soldiers acquired webbed feet to cross the marshes.
Stilicho anxiously stripped the Rhine frontier of legions to help chase Alaric back out of Italy. A bad move. On December 31st 406, the Vandals and Alans smelled weakness at the annual football match, when Caesar's side could only put out a practise squad. The result was a complete thrashing on the football field — and after, as hordes of Vandals and Alans poured into Gaul.
Britain exits the Roman Empire[edit]
Britannia responded to this chaos by renegotiating their terms of membership in the Roman Empire. Fearing that the barbarians would soon cross the Channel, an army led by British soldier/emperor Constantine III got the purple toga to play hard ball with Honorius. By coincidence, Honorius was now a widower, but Stilicho was pressing the charms of his younger daughter Thermantia on the 'chicken emperor'. Honorius rejected her, blamed Stilicho for losing the Rhine Frontier and Gaul to 'fellow vandals' and had his chief soldier executed, along with anyone who had served with him, as fifth-column Visigoths.
The rival emperor Constantine III, meanwhile, seems to have given up marching to Italy and settled in his new empire. The British were soon begging Honorius to save them from other barbarians who came by sea (the Anglo-Saxon boat people). Honorius sent an unstamped letter that read, I wash my hands of your anti-Roman Empire people. You're as bad as the Vandals. Love and Best Wishes, Emperor Honorius — Defender of all Feathered Friends.
Goths sack Rome and then some[edit]
Alaric celebrated the death of his enemy Stilicho with a lavish Visigoth do. Honorius refused to give battle, but let the Visigoths march to Rome. His only instruction to his sister Galla Placidia (who preferred living there over with her brother and his chickens) was for her to 'talk the talk' and delay and bluster. Alaric had no way to break down Rome's walls until a Roman purple pretender called Priscus Attalus put himself forward as Roman Emperor. Alaric agreed and promised to attend the enthronement with a 'few friends'. What the tricksy Goth meant was his entire army, who came swarming through the gates with no invitations.
The Visigoths were soon at work pillaging and looting. Not so much slaughtering, as Rome offered no resistance. Alaric took as much gold and silver as he could. After three days, the army left Rome and headed south to take time-out on a beach and wash their hairy trousers. Among the more precious gems Alaric took were phony emperor Priscus Attalus and the far ballsier Galla Placidia. She and other wealthy Romans were now part of a Visigoth Magical Mystery tour.
Back in Ravenna, Honorius stopped counting his chickens, whether or not they had hatched. His favourite chicken, named Rome, had flown the coop. The unhappy emperor had Ravenna turned upside until a wishbone was left on his doorstep to indicate 'Rome' had gone to the great coop in the sky. Honorius blamed the city for giving that particular chicken 'bad luck'.
The Visigoths were still drying out their smalls when Alaric died suddenly, after a bad pizza in Calabria. The Goths' new leader, Ataulf, decided they had outstayed their welcome in Italy and marched into Gaul. This distracted the usurping Constantine III so much that he was caught with his fake purple pants down and was dispatched from behind by another Roman general (a supporter of Honorius) called Constantius III. (They often got each other's mail by mistake, but this death ended the confusion.) Meanwhile, Ataulf married Galla Placidia and asked to be treated as a civilised man and join Honorius's government. He also promised to chase the Vandals and Alans out of Gaul. He kept this promise, but it merely moved the looting tour over to Spain.
Christian matters[edit]
Since Honorius had never gone through with the marriage to his first wife's sister, he stayed happily single and at one with his feathered friends in Ravenna.
About then, a British theologian called Pelagius reported that a hippo had written You Stupid Sod, a screed that blamed Honorius for letting the Visigoths sack Rome. In fact, the author was St. Augustine, Bishop of Hippo, North Africa. Augustine had already written Confessions of a Stained Glass Window Cleaner and Confessions of a Chariot Instructor before working on his real door-blocker, City of God, about Brazilian personal waxing techniques. Honorius ordered this 'Gus bozo' cut down for insulting the emperor.
In fact, the Pelagius version was a hoax, as Pelagius was locked in a theological struggle with St. Augustine about sin. Yet another theologian, St. Jerome in Bethlehem, told Honorius that Pelagius had been telling a lot of British pork sausages. Honorius expelled Pelagius from the Roman Empire and agreed that sin was original and needed preservation. St. Augustine disagreed and retreated back to Hippo to organise the Catholic Church takeover of Europe.
A new imperial colleague[edit]
Ataulf's plan for a combined Romano-Gothic empire ended when Visigothic conservatives speared him from behind, whilst he was watching a Goth v Vandal football match. His wife Galla Placida got no pension and so she returned to Ravenna. Since Honorius remained childless (and friendless), she was the effective heir. The Roman general Constantius, who had recovered part of Gaul and the old frontier, pushed forward his claims. He had also in bargain disposed of various imperial imposters like Constantine III and had even got hold of the slippery Priscus Attalus and had banished the latter to a bare rock inhabited by frogs.
Galla was galled. She said Constantius was 'more barbaric than the barbarians' but she was married off all the same. Two children were born of this brutal union, Justa Honoria — who would later pawn herself (and the Roman Empire) to Attila the Hun — and Valentinian, a future emperor who would adopt all of uncle 'Horny's political and social skills — to-wit, none at all.
It wasn't long before Constantius pushed himself further up the ladder and threatened rebellion if he weren't made co-emperor. Honorius was dragged from his chicken concerns and very reluctantly had Constantius proclaimed as Emperor Constantius III in 421. It was a short-lived glory because within a few months Constantius was dead, whether from the appalling realisation that he had to share power with the fowl imperial prince or a dose of arsenic in his soup. Weak chicken shit that he was, Honorius knew a rival when he saw one, so perhaps it is best to believe the worst.
This left Galla Placidia widowed a second time. Now her brother came all creepy over her and demanded full on the lips smackers to 'calm him down'. Galla had no plans to indulge in incest, like Caligula, and with the excuse that she needed to do some shopping in Constantinople, fled with her children. She was put up in a spare palace by her nephew, Emperor Theodosius II. Honorius was unconcerned; his new friend was a Roman general named Frappoccinus Aëtius. He was the new Dux-de-Patrician, friend of the Huns and said he would 'help out' running the Roman Empire in the West if Honorius preferred spending even more time with his favourite cock.
Fowl death?[edit]
Honorius carried on as emperor for a couple years. He took against men wearing trousers in his presence and ordered them removed if anyone came to pester him. Honorius believed this decree would make any potential assassin carrying concealed weapons look ridiculous.
In August 423, Honorius was found dead in his own private chicken run. Officially, he died of 'old age' — though not yet 40. More likely, he died from Chicken Pox or Bird Flu. Aëtius was out of town when this happened and it was expected Galla Placida would come back to Ravenna with her son. Instead, one of Honorius's few friends, an idiot quill-pusher called Ioannes, stepped up to the plate and proclaimed himself emperor. He sure wished he hadn't when it all finished.
| Preceded by: Theodosius the Great |
Roman Emperor 395-423 |
Succeeded by: Ioannes (in the West) |
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