Domitian

Domitian: "I am leaving home without my pants."

Domitian (Latin: Flavius Raspberry Ripplus Domitianus; 24 October 51 – 18 September 96), was Roman Emperor from 81 to 96. Domitian was the third and last of the Flava-Flavian Emperors. He was apparently a complete and utter bastardo. An image retained for the 2024 sword, sandals and sex TV Series Those About to Die.

In the beginning[edit]

Young 'Dommy' had a hard life living in the shadows. His soldier dad Vespasian was doing nasty things to various hordes of unwashed barbarians, whilst his charismatic brother Titus was having fun with a succession of 1st Century A.D. lovelies (of both sexes). Domitian was told to live in the shadows because he (a) was ugly and (b) threw temper tantrums when Titus broke his toys. So Domitian became a shadow, eventually playing lyre for "The Shadows" in their home base of Londinium. However, even here he was unwelcome and was forced out by St. Cliffordus Ricardus. Domitian returned to Rome to sulk a bit more.

Imperial progress[edit]

Despite being morose, bitter and uglier than even his dad, Domitian could be really nasty in an elevated position as second son of a ruling Emperor when Vespasian grabbed the top job in 69 A.D. Now, Domitian could break other kids' toys and be confident that they dare not complain, or face a one-way ticket to become a one-off novelty act in a circus.

Only one more to go[edit]

The death of his father cheered Domitian up. It meant he was next in line if anything happened to his brother, the new emperor Titus, who had no food taster on speed-dial. Titus discovered one of Domitian's plans to put a killer laxative in his wine and decided that his brother would be a lot happier dead. However, Domitian got wind of this (Titus had a touch of bad bowels at this time) and managed to slip in something really nasty in his brother's broth. Titus died with his head shoved hard down the toilet.

Whoopee! I am Emperor[edit]

Bored with being emperor, Domitian forms a group, Domitian's Midnight Runners.

Domitian was now Emperor. He asked everyone to keep everything dark and banned any naked flames in the imperial palace. The emperor enjoyed living in the pitch black and thought this made him invisible. He issued an imperial decree trying to stop people from buying candles, a move that upset many contemporary Roman writers who liked to scribble after a hard day beating or sleeping with their slaves.

Ruling with a rod of iron[edit]

Employing a spare Heavy Metal group "Rod of Iron" to help run the Roman Empire, Domitian kept the Imperial show on the road for 15 years. He still wasn't popular (though soldiers, sailors and ambulance-chasers liked him) and asked his wife Domitia to leave home when she moved his favorite sofa near to the window and next to a rickety balcony. He also now hated everyone or anything called Titus and killed all those unfortunate enough to have the name. The memory of his brother's torments had burnt into Domitian's soul.

Domitian then took out his anger on theatrical types and Vestal Virgins and, when he lost all his hair, made sure that anyone who shouted "Hey! You, Baldy!" met a horrid death. The Romans were good at this along with building roads, spanning rivers with bridges and classical orgies where you could have a really good time if you knew all the Latin swear words.

The church[edit]

Domitian didn't like Popes much and was glad to continue the tradition that anyone who got that job would die like a martyr. He didn't like any of his family either, and had one of his cousins, Flavius Flavius Flavius (But Not Titus), killed for turning on the lights at home once to say his Christian prayers. This upset a lot of people including Flavius's wife Flavia Flavia Flavia (the Romans were not very good at coming up with simple names like Trevor, Elvis or Fifi Trixibelle). She vowed to get her own back and would do it in the name of religion as Domitian was obviously very, very, pagan.

Nasty death[edit]

On your knees, Domitian. Angelina Dominatrix in a rare mosaic of photographic quality demanding a perverted grovel.

Domitian now had a new girlfriend to share his perversions with. Angelina Dominatrix said she would do anything for the thrill of it — and liked inflicting it as well as being on the receiving end. This suited Domitian, but invitations to an "Imperial Fetish Night" only brought forward the usual sad senatorial sado-masochists like Publius Flagellus and Decius Disciplinus. Polite Roman society had decided the "Two D's" were now a public menace. This lead to many Plots and plots (upper case for Patricians and lower case for Plebians) in the gloomy palace.

Finally, Flavia X3 managed to get her revenge and arranged to have the emperor stabbed in the groin whilst he was reading love letters from Dominatrix. She entrusted this task to a secret lover Stephanus who bravely did the deed — with the help of about half a dozen assistants holding Domitian down.

When they heard their beloved emperor was dead, the Praetorian guard demanded — and enforced — a lot of horrible deaths for the assassins. However, Flavia Flavia Flavia had slipped away in the confusion and hid in catacombs in and around the Vatican hill. The church granted her full absolution, provided she made tea and sandwiches for all future Popes. In return, the church promised to make Flavia a saint when she died — reasoning that helping to kill a bloody pagan was no sin at all in the eyes of the One True Blue God.

Erased from history[edit]

Domitian's successor, emperor Nerva, agreed that Domitian was a very bad emperor and re-lit the torches. The Senate decreed that anything that Domitian had done was bad news and broke up all his monuments and burnt his clothes. His girlfriend Dominatrix was added to the fire as she was even worse news — and had unwisely not gotten her "Catholic Church Saint Sponsorship" form filled in when she could. However, her devotees still honor her name today. Remember that your next "Master and Servant" party celebrates the days of Domitian and Dominatrix.

Fun facts[edit]

You just know this guy is going full psycho by looking at his eyes.

The new Emperor's habit of turning off all the lights led to other stories that he was also a lycanthrope.
Angelina Dominatrix's career previous to meeting Domitian isn't properly recorded by Roman historians but she was known to have been the hottest woman in Rome since Messalina.
According to Fibius Fabius, that is — and no one else .
A rival account by Juvenile asserts that Angelina Dominatrix was not burnt — only 'singed' — on Domitian's funeral pyre and that she lived on until 160 AD. The family tradition of dynastic power politics ('Yes My Mistress' style etc etc) continued with her great-granddaughters Julia Dominatrix and Julia Miasma in the next century.