Claudius
“I’m q-q-quite c-c-cool”
“Sch-be-dob-be-do-ba-bada-da. Scho-be-do-baba-ba-ba.”
“Well to be fair, there really wasn't anyone else”
Tiberius Claudius Caesar Rhymemaster Germanicus was known in his time as either Clau-Clau-Claudius (not due to a stutter but due to a desire for extra syllables) or Scatman Caeser. This was for convenience as his name was so damn long! He was the uncle and brother of Nero and assisted him in politics and burning DVDs. Historians have painted an unfair picture of Claudius as a blithering old fool, we can blame this on folks such as Tic-Tacitus who throughout history have shown Claudius as a twit and a blunder. Claudius was also a popular novelist; his book I Claudius was written under the pseudonym of Robert Graves and has recently been made into a video game and cult pornographic BBC series.
Rise To Power[edit]
Claudius came to power in 41AD after the Imperial "hide and seek" game went wrong. Gaius was killed in this game after a Praetorian Guard Captain stabbed him with a fork; a horrible mistake that lead to the fall of an emperor. Fortunately, Claudius survived and was found to be hiding in the palace. However, no one had a clue who had won and this lead to riots in Rome. Claudius was sent to the Pratorian Guard camp to wait out these riots. During this time he played checkers with Herod Agrippa (yes! He's related to that bloke who tried to kill Jesus OMG!). Eventually they came up with a brand new game, "Pretend Princeps". Claudius was made emperor and everyone forgot about the game.
Once in power, Claudius made three major changes. Firstly, he changed the rules of Imperial hide and seek and made it okay to kill someone provided you shouted "videt!" or "surprise!" first. The second was a referendum of cheesy biscuits that was rejected by the senate until AD 53. Only after these lengthy decisions were made did he remove all the horse senators that Caligula had placed in the senate and allowed the human ones back in. Most historians see this as a smart decision as 200 horses are far more organized and clean than 200 old men.
Claudius and Gaius[edit]
Claudius was related to Caligula (Gaius) thanks to the awesome Dynastic plan of Augustus. This plan involved the interbreeding of the imperial family with a plan to create a super-emperor, not too dissimilar to Oedipus and his family. Sadly however it resulted in gents such as Nero who was a bit odd to say the least.
Claudius and Gaius were quite close and relied on each other to keep Rome's supply of sea-shells and wine constant. In order to fulfil this they had to go on a quest to the shores of Gaul where they faced the mystical land of Britain. Later Claudius would invade this land; this has widely been regarded as a bad move.
Claudius and his Ladies[edit]
Mussolini Wait… Messalina was Claudius's first wife and the historical sources don't like her because apparently she slept around. But sleeping around was a common Roman practice along with war, sex and fly fishing. Her sexual antics were not her own fault, but rather that of a nefarious flower as is explained later in this article. Sadly, however, she was ordered to commit suicide for her infidelity leaving behind her son Encyclopedia Britannicus. Claudius ordered his Praetorian Guard to kill him if he ever married again; however, no one was listening so three days later he was married to Agrippina.
Due to Claudius's obsession with words it is worth noting that he only really married Agrippina because she rhymed with Messalina, this being a perfectly suitable reason in Ancient Rome. Agrippina was much better than Messalina but she came with Nero pre-installed. She did not sleep around, she was good at sewing, wine making and prancing about in skimpy togas.
Foreign Policy[edit]
Claudius invaded Britain in AD49, following the horrifying events of the Plebeian Mint Cream Riot (Caused by the traditional Minty Chocolate dole being replaced by a corn dole). The need for more mints, mainly Polos and Trebors lead to this invasion.
However it was not until Britain had been settled for 6 years that the Romans noticed the lack of mints in Britain. All they were able to uncover was gold and marble, worthless to the Roman Empire as its staple items were wines, grapes, cheesy biscuits and fishing line. Therefore this invasion had to have had an ulterior purpose. Claudius had always wanted his own town, a place for him to enter in triumph, a place where he could have a villa worthy of MTV Cribs. This place is now known as Colchester.
The entire invasion was called off after some crazy lady revolted and burned the Empire's remaining Minty Chocolate supply... and Colchester... oh and London, but that’s not important. What is important is that the Romans were able to defeat this rebellion (using cheesy biscuits) and bring lower Britain under control. However Scotland still remained hostile but the Roman's didn't really care and quite right too.
Narcissus[edit]
Contrary to most historians, Narcissus has recently been proved to be a flower, not a freed Greek slave. Narcissus has been a prevalent member of Greek Mythology, assisting heroes such as Alexander the Great and Achilles in their sexual conquests. However Claudius used Narcissus for political advice. A flower such as Narcissus was a demanding flora, for that reason he began to betray Claudius after discovering that Claudius had no phosphates to offer an Amaryllis of his status. Narcissus soon began to offer advice to Messalina and convinced her to have sexual engagements with other men, hence leading to her downfall.
Narcissus was executed for treachery. The execution was carried out by an Imperial Palace Gardener who used a bottle of weedol on the ethereal being. Narcissus faced the end of his life then and there; his final words were similar to that of a bowl of petunias. "Oh no, not again!"
The Party Animal[edit]
Many people would consider Claudius to be the most fun-loving guy since Achilles, however this is again a further misconception. Despite his love of scat and rhyme, Claudius was the ultimate party pooper. Not in the sense that he had sphincter issues but because he happened to ruin parties. He rushed back from Marseilles after Narcissus heard that his wife was throwing a huge party in Rome hoping to show his new rap off. When he arrived there however everyone ran away, assuming that a new game of Imperial Hide-And-Seek was taking place. He had them all executed overnight.
Con-con-conclusion[edit]
The following extract is from a sheet of toilet paper found down the side of Suetonius's sofa
Well we’ve come to the end of a fun journey. However, how did he die? There are several theories and the most prevalent is that Agrippina poisoned his Cheesy Biscuits in order to allow her son Nero to have the biggest portion at dinner. This is clearly incorrect. In truth, Claudius never died and recent numismatic evidence shows that he simply moved out.
So the next time you are wandering through the verdant fields of Camolodumum on a warm summers day be careful. You might happen to see a white haired, ancient looking man with a stutter, wandering alone in the bushes or enjoying a glass of wine by the road. This could be Claudius; if you see him then you know what to do...
"Sha bobe be daba, do bobe da ba da, da de"
| Preceded by: Caligula |
Roman Emperor 41-54 |
Succeeded by: Nero |
See Also[edit]
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