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Colchester town centre.
State East of England
Official language(s) Englishe

“Yes, I went there once. It was like watching BBC three and somehow getting sucked in.”

~ The Queen of England

“I asked my lawyer if burning down the town would make me any money. He said 'No', but that's not gonna' stop me trying!”

~ The mayor of Colchester on his taste for money, power and fire

Colchester is the oldest record town in the UK - and as a result, also the most dilapidated. Despite numerous heroic attempts to destroy it (most admirably by Boudica, who attempted to burn it in 61AD) it still stands to this day.; acting now in its main occupation as a central distribution point for Iceland supermarket, Paratrooper brawling den and easy access point to London. The name Colchester derives from the Latin for "Camel Toe".

A Tour of Colchester[edit]

Colchester Castle, June 2009

In the centre of Colchester lies a monument to its true identity crisis - the castle. It looks distinctly Roman from the ground, but in a cunning ruse designed to thwart German bombers in WW2 it has a horrible, Victorian roof. Moreover, it is set inside a lively and active park - whereas the inside is dull and boring. The one attraction, rumours of a ghost (Norbert the tower guard who was thought to have met with an unfortunate end after winning a bet he could swallow his sword) recently proved to be false, when the spooky noises turned out to in fact be the janitor. He had been stuck in the dungeon since 1992, when the afore mentioned population had locked him in.

The main claim to fame in Colchester is its famous Friday Night Cold Chest Fight. Every week without fail, the local paratroopers and student population meet outside the Hippodrome for a bit of 'male bonding' (or as it is locally known, 'Kicking seven bloody bells outta each other'), in the nude of course. The Red cap population and local bobbies once tried to break up such conflicts, but gave up after they were given beejays by transvestite nuns.

Colchester Zoo[edit]

Colchester's main attraction, after getting insulted in the street for no reason, is its zoo. The zoo was originally a general area of torture for animals that considered themselves too good to be indigenous to Colchester. The zoo was founded to teach these stuck up creatures such as the gee-raff, penguin and those big cats that live in Africa or wherever, a lesson; namely, that Colchester is a town of ridiculous sensitivity that overcompensates for this fact whenever possible by lashing out at mindless animals that were, well, posh or something. The animals are maintained in relatively small housings specifically designed to be too hot and uncomfortable to sleep in.

The institution turned into a zoo of sorts after the general hatred of poncy animals, such as that fat elephant thing, became accepted by the community as a whole. Customers will pay an agreeable sum to lord it up over those hairy, long nosed mothers and re-affirm their own superiority.

A popular show at the zoo consists of a large bear who sways his head from side to side for three hours and then vomits on one lucky member of the crowd. One never sees bears wandering down High Street. They stay in Peru or wherever esteems their big-ass butts. Colchester rats, by comparison, are everywhere.


The military corrective training centre

Colchester was founded by a bunch of Romans who stole it from the barbarian population that resided in current Essex. The Romans then named it Cold Chest Town, and this was 2,000 years before the invention of brassieres.

After many fights with local barbarian tribes, a red-headed Amazon queen known as Boudicca decided to give the Romans some payback for invading her country and gangbanging her daughters while stealing her people blind, unsuccessfully attempting to burn Colchester to the ground, followed by St. Albans and London, where she founded a cathouse filled with captured Roman sluts that became the foundation of the British royal family.

The Future[edit]

Connor Barrett's Crucifixion of Mankind, located in the Colchester Public Library

It has been predicted that Colchester will be destroyed in 2019 by Huddersfieldian invaders - sadly only one year before they complete their 2020 project and Colchester United FC get a real stadium, as opposed to their fenced of piece of grass they currently play on. Until this point, it is advised to steer well clear of the South of England.

Colchester evenduatley gets re-built to what is was before it was destroyed. But off course, there are some futuristic differences when the town does get finished.

Ceremonial nuclear holocaust[edit]

George Orwell, in his futuristic nonsense novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, names Colchester as the first town to be hit by nuclear missiles before everything goes to Hell in a hand-basket. Sadly for the inhabitants of Colchester, who all took this reference to be the recognition they had long deserved, Orwell later admitted to knowing nothing at all about the town. He had thought the name 'Colchester' was simply whimsical enough to counterbalance the massive destruction and death leading to tyranny.

When informed that Colchester was indeed the name of a real town in Essex, Orwell laughed for about half an hour and then quickly apologised. Unfortunately, the final draft was already at the printer and they were at tea and did not take the phone call.

This unimportant and forgettable detail was brushed under the proverbial carpet by the proud and easily offended Colchesterians. However, in 1984 (the year), the mayor 'put Colchester on the map' with the detonation of a real atomic bomb. In fact, it splattered Colchester all over the map. However, pound for pound, this worked out cheaper than the fireworks.