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Jolly Olde England
The England Call Centre
Flag of England.svg Gryffindor.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Put the kettle on."
Anthem: "Duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh ENGLAND!"
Capital Brussels
Largest city Eoforwic
Official language(s) Hindi, Pakistani, Iranian, Arabic, Scouse, Chavish, Ald Englisc, Wanker (see Cockney).
Government Scottish Over-Class, English Under-Class.
Elderman The Queen
National hero(es) Jack The Ripper, Mr. Ben, Danny Dyer, Count Duckula, Thomas the Tank Engine
 of Independence
0001 B.C.
Currency Crumpet
Religion Crime, Football
Population Total: 60,000,000
Foreigners: 60,000,000
Racists: 100% and climbing
Chavs: Too many to count
Bloody French: None that live...
Germans: The Monarchy
Area 32 Square scones
Major exports Gary Glitter, Airfix's new non-glue/paint start-up civilization models.
Queuing, Moaning about the weather, moaning about queues, moaning about politicians. Moaning about foreigners. Moaning about each other. Moaning about the past. Moaning about the present. Queuing. Moaning about the press. Queuing And prejudgment
Hours of
Ask India. They run the office now

“Spiffing place, indeed.”

~ Oscar Wilde on England

England also known as The UK, Europe, or Great Britain is not the greater part of Britain and for obvious reasons is usually avoided by the Scottish and Welsh.

People from England are most famous for wearing a suit and tie, a top hat and a monocle, along with a funny curly moustache and poorly looked-after teeth - an attire which is pursued totally regardless of the occasion. This fashion has been popular since the late 1880's, this being one of the reasons Jack the Ripper was so hard to catch.


See History of England for an alternative history.

The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass when the Irish were discovered a moat was quickly established to separate Britain and Ireland. It proved to be ineffective as after a couple of drinks, the Irish found they could swim. Since then various other methods have been used to disassociate themselves from the Irish, such as devolution. The current strategy is for English people to pretend they like them, in the hope that the Irish will retreat with a nervous smile, saying something like "I just remembered something I have to do". It is, as yet, proving ineffective. After another year of trying, the English plan to be even more forward with the Irish - maybe even putting a hand on their thigh while chatting with the rest of Europe in the pub - in the hopes that Ireland will express its homophobia and finally retreat. It has been acknowledged that this plan could possibly backfire, and that, should Ireland respond positively, England may have to get off with Ireland. The foreign secretary has said that this is a "risk [England is] willing to take". Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in the Witangemot (the English parliament).

England has been invaded at various points throughout its history. Fortunately, every invader mysteriously became English when they took over, thus leaving England undefeated. This was extremely lucky as in 1066, the bloody French won their first (and last) war against England and a large seed is known as William the Cockney took over. He was followed by a long line of foreigners brought over solely to annoy the locals by steadfastly refusing to learn the native tongue of the king. Which was obviously German.

England's history is filled with wars, nearly as many wars in its history as America has had in the last 10 years. England should not be considered to be a war-mongering country. We all know that really it was always someone else's fault. Come on. Those unarmed tribesmen looked at us in a funny way, and anyway, if we had not stolen their bananas the French bloody well would have!


A notable attribute of the English is the funny way in which they speak the American language. They seem to omit most of their Rs - unless they are Northern and thus have too many Rs! - and most of their dialect tends to comprise of "Mm, quite!", "Spot on, old chap!", "Ah, jolly good!" or some variant. We have yet to comment on this, though, as we feel that they may be making fun of us, so we usually laugh nervously and look the other way, or change the subject.

The official language of England is still English, although that language has since declined in popularity, and the vast majority of the population now speak Engrish, which is even more unintelligible than its predecessor.

Engrish is made up of Latin, Old French, Old High German, Norse, Phlegmish, Garlic, and Olde English. Thus multi-culturalism is endemic to the British people, so there's no point complaining because your neighbours are all from places like Pakistan and Bosnia.

When an English person says "Hello" he may mean it as a friendly greeting, or he may mean it as a question. If you aren't English you may give the wrong answer so it is imperative to acquire a firm grasp of the language at the earliest possible opportunity, in order to avoid disappointment and/or severe physical injury.

'Hello', like so many Engrish words is a carefully coded test of your Englishness. It is often used in place of more traditional greetings such as, for example in a commercial context, "Good day to you sir, may I be of assistance?" Or, in a general social context, "I say, your breasts are exciting me, shall we discuss football?" Or, in a political context, "May I say that the knife I am holding would look particularly well if stuck into your back - so let's cut the crap, give me your wallet."

Hatred of the bloody french

The one thing hated most by English people - well known for their grumpiness - is foreigners. Unless the foreigners in question are a) good at sport; b) willing to drop all allegiance to the shithole they came from; c) ready to adopt English citizenship and d) good enough to represent England in sporting contests, there's no chance of a council flat, state benefits or any of the other stuff foreigners obviously come here seeking. Of all of the foreigners, there is one group who are particularly detested by the English. The bloody French. The bloody French are the complete opposite of the English. They always lose wars, they smell and no one likes them (though the same could be said about the Yanks for the last point.) (Or indeed the Hun.) To lose to the bloody French at anything is considered a great dishonour, and anyone who does is immediately exiled off to one of England's dumping grounds like Australia or America .

The greatest practical joke ever played on the bloody French by the English occurred during WW2 when the bloody French fleet was lying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, bloody French North Africa were wiped out by elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranean Fleet. Oh how DeGaulle and Churchill laughed about that in later years.

The Chav Hoardes

A rabid pack of Chavs.

The Chav hordes infest England. Much like the early nomads would settle by the side of a freshwater stream, Chavs settle in the many car parks of towns possessing a McDonald's or a JD Sports. heavy drug use has caused mutation in the Chav families genes, meaning the modern developed female can process a litter of up to 6 at once, from half as many fathers. Thus, will soon become unstoppable if not dealt with. They possess a very limited intelligence and can barely string a coherent sentence together, much like the Americans. They are often found down alleyways after a successful hunt in the local supermarket.

Cheap alcohol and McDonald's is their primary food source, and they are often seen to worship people such as Wayne Rooney, Victoria Beckham and N-Dubz as their idols. Just like the early Evangelicals would preach to the poor outside their place of work, Chavs up and down the land congregate in the nations bus shelters to set their black sony-erricsons to pump their bassy hymns into the air. Larger congregations can acquire amplifiers, subwoofers and diesel generators to power their tuneless, droning, ear-destroying sermons (and the breeding frenzy that ensues) across the land (assuming they don't try to drink the diesel when they run out of Tesco vodka like the last time. Itz the same colour blad!, how I supposed to no? I ain't no fuckin science guy)( fucking teenagers...). Their knowledge is generally passed mouth to mouth, though occasionally Chavs known as Graffitiests scribble their knowledge onto other peoples property. With each passing day, the Chav hordes numbers swell. Some cities have become impassible with the pure amount of Chavs filling the streets.

The Chav female is generally never far from a pram or a fag. The main variant of female Chav is a twelve-year-old who has painted herself bright orange (in order to make herself easier to see among potential mates) and is already heavily pregnant (the words "abortion" and "protection" do not exist in the Chav language), as well as possessing three young children (these kids are seen as trophies; the more you have and the younger you are, the higher your social standing) who go about on scooters swearing at strangers for looking at them. It's kind of hard not to.

To counter the Chav problem, many northern towns use Chav hordes as foederati against rampaging Scotsmen. This approach has been proven effective in many cases but many foederati tribesmen have turned to pillaging the towns that they were meant to protect.

High-class chav males who can shoplift their own weight in Burberry in one session compete at the greyhound tracks for the affections of the most beautiful of English women, known as English Roses on account of the number of pricks in their bushes.


Every inhabitant of England except for Chavs and foreigners (so not really anyone at all) has tea with the Queen once a day, where they discuss matters of state, such as the price of tea and the empire. The Queen doesn't actually listen to the nasty commoners, instead, she just nods and smiles, all the while thinking how ugly poor people look.

This is basically what an electoral ballot looks like in England.

There are elections, though it doesn't really matter who you vote as everyone knows the Queen decides anyway. One of her hobbies along with hunting poor defenceless animals like commoners is making up stupid policies for political parties. She even lets her husband nazi have a go by allowing him a party to suit his moderate tastes - the BNP.

To get involved in politics there are very specific criteria, such as being old, unlikeable and certainly not black. Preferably you must be Scottish and grumpy

Foreign policy

The English foreign policy is simple. Just do what the Americans do. Like the emotionally damaged mute kid who hangs with the bully so he's safe from the bully

I know it's your thing, but don't ask questions. If you try to be witty like the last time they will just punch you in face again.. How long did you have to spend on that NHS waiting list for facial reconstruction? well, at least all your teeth rotted away before so they couldn't have those as well

It replaced the previous policy of nabbing land off of uncivilised tribes by use of flags and lent weaponry. Please, refer to the great works of that best dressed and I have to say, well maintained by social commentators, Eddie Izzard for more information


The national currency of England

The currency of England is the Crumpet, with smaller currency being Scones and Biscuits. 8 crumpets are worth around one US dollar, depending on the price of olive oil. Many outspoken Chavs have spoken (well at least tried to) out against the crumpet, since they're not posh enough to use this currency. They'd much rather have a beer. The other choice for currency is the pound, which is a beating typically delivered with the hands, feet and teeth. Traditional advocates of the pound suggest that while everyone can be beaten within an inch of their life, not everyone is able to procure a crumpet. Chavs have taken this a step further and just beat you and run off with your stuff. Tourists sometimes think the Euro is the currency of the country; these tend to discover that it isn't upon arrival, leading to much pant-shitting.

  • 10 Scones are worth 1 biscuit.
  • 5 Biscuits are worth 1 crumpet.
  • 1 Crumpet is worth...erm, 1 crumpet.

So, if a hot crumpet in Mrs Miggin's Tea-Shop costs 4 crumpets and I have 356 biscuits in my wallet, what day is it in France?


Crime is the UK's second national sport (the first being Football – see ‘religion’)), and this second sport is becoming ever more popular as Big Brother is banning everything from nuclear weapons to spiny plants. Law abiding citizens are left to be escorted while going to the market. This brings great lulz to Amerifags as they are all armed to the teeth, and helping each other out more often than those dirty Somalians kill each other.


It is common knowledge that England invented all sports. It is also common knowledge that if the sport turns out to be any good, then England immediately become rubbish at it. England's national sport should not be confused with its religion, football.

On the 27th of June 2010, the English Football Team were eliminated from the South Africa World Cup by their biggest rivals Germany. A topic of a large amount of controversy is the Frank Lampard goal which was disallowed by linesman Mauricio Espinosa even though it clearly crossed the goal line. The goal in question would have equalized England to 2-2, therefore, resulting in a win.

Mauricio Espinosa is now on MI5's most wanted list and an award of up to 20 crumpets is being offered for information leading to his arrest and consequently to his execution by executive order from the queen.


One or more of the disciples usually misses a penalty, though

England's main religion is that of football. The players are worshipped by Chav kind, who make up about half of the population. Should a match result go badly, then it is a sign that the Gods are displeased. To placate them, the fans often go on drunken rampages and try to beat up as many of the opposite teams fans as possible. The major living spiritual leader is Great High Wizard Beckham. Another well-loved leader is Jesus who played in goal for England's world cup victory of 1966. A very important part of football is money. Money can be used for bribery or buy up all the best players.


Main article: America

England has a finely trained army or Fyrd (or Feared as most armies fear facing English warriors), who can take on the most powerful enemies, the mighty ANT. Many of the battles throughout England's history consist of a great army of tribesmen armed with very sharp sticks and pieces of fruit. Facing this terrible foe are the completely outnumbered and outgunned English who only have machine guns, artillery and tanks to defend themselves with, yet they can still emerge triumphantly.

It is incredibly dangerous to come between an Englishman and his cup of tea. Most of the famous battles throughout recent history have taken place because of this, including the horrific massacre at the Battle of Waterloo where Napoleon was hogging the sugar bowl.

Throughout history, the English military has enjoyed access to the finest hardware and equipment in the world. Whether fighting a guerilla army during the American Revolutionary War while wearing bright red dress uniforms visible from space, to happily pootling around the pleasure gardens of Iraq and Afghanistan in the heavily armored Snatch landrover (named after the tight cunts running the MoD), the English soldier can be sure that his leaders are fully behind him, usually by several thousand miles.

Famous english conflicts

Battle of Hastings Direct

This battle all started with car insurance. Ensure thought they had the best insurance deals, but Hastings Direct disagreed. This was followed by a bloody conflict, in which the Ensure mouse defeated Harold. from that day forward, it was decided that compare the market.com would decide who offered the best car insurance and that the meerkat from Russia who said "Simples" was secretly the ruler of the universe.

The Great Scottish Wars

This was not a good time for England. Scotland, its far tougher, hardier, braver northern neighbour was becoming a huge threat. So England went to war with it, and unfortunately for the English (see Bannockburn, Battle of Stirling Bridge, William Wallace, Robert Bruce), they were owned. So much so, in fact, that James VI of Scotland later became the first king of The United Kingdom, James I.

Hundred years war

The French King of England was bored one day so he decided to create a war against the easiest targets. The bloody French King and his armies. The war did not actually last for 100 years as everyone back then were illiterate. Instead, it lasted 5 minutes until the bloody French surrendered.

War of the Roses

The English gardeners started a fight over the issue of "which roses are more beautiful – the red or the white ones?" A similar dilemma emerged many years later in Russia proving that England is far more advanced than Russia in that respect.

The Spanish armada

The Spanish prepared an invasion fleet of 240 ships. During their voyage, they met the greatest defence. English weather. As it rained all of the time they got depressed. Also, a slight breeze wiped out most of the fleet so they took the hint and headed home

English civil war

As it was a civil war, everyone was very nice to each other about it. It was not a barbaric revolution like in other countries, but instead was a peaceful beheading of the King and the destruction of his army. Much better than those Frogs

American revolution

A group of colonials decided to make the worlds largest cup of tea by pouring all their tea supplies into Boston harbour. England was forced to declare war as they did not put the milk in after the tea. 30000 English regulars faced 10000 colonial militia. The English won most of the battles, captured most of the cities but lost the war due to a major tea shortage. All in all, a similar performance to its sports teams.

Crimean war

One of England's greatest military victories occurred here. This was the charge of the light brigade. England cunningly made its elite troops run into a valley full of cannons to work out where they were. The plan was successful as the trail of bodies led directly to the cannons.

Scramble for Africa

The small English force of 10 men defeated 500,000,000,000 Zulus blindfolded. The British only had ten rifles between them. It was a close battle with one English soldier grazing his knee. The Zulus never released their version of the battle.

Bore/Boar/Boer war

Details have always been sketchy regarding a war reportedly occurring on the southern tip of Africa between England, who wore red pyjamas due to the heat and antelopes, and some farmers, who may or may not have been pigs. George Orwell wrote the most reasonable account of the conflict, which he unaccountably named Animal Farm but seems to have become confused about the names of the major leaders, forgetting that Napoleon had been ousted and conflated some years earlier, and was exiled in San Diego. The pigs were probably not defeated, as no-one in England ever talks about it anymore.


The English used a brilliant new tactic in this war. It involved running at the enemy machine guns with a target painted on their chest. They believed this was the last thing the Germans would expect so they repeated this throughout the war. Amazingly the Germans seemed to be able to predict this move a gunned them all down. It was suggested that the Germans had a high ranking spy. It is believed that the Scottish did a lot of the work and were responsible for the invention of the trench. It is thought that they came up with the idea to stay out of the sun during the long summers of WW1 as their pale skin and ginger hair would not have survived the duration. In 1917, the Brits discovered the art of unsportsmanship and invented the tank, or as it was known back then; "That bally Town we attached wheels to."

At the end, everyone signed a peace treaty and went home.


Then they geared up for Round 2. England didn't really care about Hitler. England just wanted to get back to our scrabble tournament. So he gave him Checkoslovakia's lolly (good farmland and coal) so he'd shut up. But the little fucking buggar wasn't satisfied and took the whole bag from Checkoslovakia. England was going to sort this out, But Churchill just Throwdown D-O-N-T-I-G-N-O-R-E-H-I-M for triple word score, and well. Chamberlin had to sort that out first. The Englands then sat down for a large meal to celebrate the outstanding victory by the noble Chamerblin, while Hitler Invaded Poland. The Englands were going to sort out that as well, but Archibald Sinclair just popped open the brandy. It could wait until the morning couldn't it? The Soviets will deal with it for now...

However, by the morning Hitler was halfway up Norway

In for a penny, in for a pound, eh England? At least I gave her what she needed, go back to your man-sized kleenex box. she doesn't put out for any pussy.*

the English were horrified at this. God Damn it! England had sat through all those RomComs for jack!. While England knew he had to beat Hitler down for stealing her and was being egged on by France, England took the easy way out. locking itself in its bedroom to cry, ripping the posters from its walls and smashing its guitar with some classic college rock as a soundtrack. Heavy. France However was not going to take that for an answer. France was not going to pussy out (this time) and went to confront Hitler, now with Norway on his arm. What France didn't know was that Goering and Rommel were waiting for him. France got beat down, badly as well. But in classic Hollywood fashion, England manned up and came to the rescue, picking up France and running back over the channel and letting him stay at Englands house till the heat died down.

Funny thing that. England is the only nation on the planet which can turn total defeat into a 'strategic victory' by word of mouth only, and make you believe it. You never did find out what that small indescribable sound that you were hearing around London was.

It was us, laughing at you.

This was followed by the Battle of Britain which involved getting bombed continuously until the Germans finally ran out of bombs and had to give up. Then the English and their much-hated Scottish and Welsh allies, feeling sorry for the Germans, decided to give them back all their metal by bombing Germany.

Towards the end of the war, there was the battle of Normandy. this gave the English the chance to finally invade France and get away with it as it had Germans in it. They used this same excuse when they blew up the bloody French fleet.

Falklands War

Suspecting that the Germans had descended into some new-age fad, alarmed at the economic impact of falling Union Flag sales, and tired of the Communists and Capitalists lording it over everyone else militarily, the Milk snatcher government decided to emulate the Duke of York's chart success. England, therefore, sailed 10,000 men down to the south of the world, and after a short exercise sailed them up again.

The MP war

A day where every English citizen (plus their slaves) and newspaper decided that they fervently hated every politician, MP and government official. A war was started in the name of Bob Hope's ghost who led the Chavtastic army to freedom from the MP oppressors, now branded as paedophile terrorists who hate kittens and are thus reflected in a massive landslide which they regard as a huge mandate from the people to take as much for themselves and their friends as they can get their hands on.

The "annoying english tourist" war

After the English lost their empire, they were pretty pissed off. Unfortunately, they could not accept their obvious inferiority to the Canadian Empire. This caused them to become grouchy and insecure. Dissatisfied with their lot in the world, Many English people longed for far-off places, like Australia, New Zealand, India and other beautiful exotic places that they gave up control of for god knows why.

Many English citizens left on vacation to these places, but their resentment was not welcome. They started complaining about the country they were vacationing in, how the food was bad (when in fact it was good) and how they longed for blood pudding and other gross English stuff. The tipping point that began the war was when King Henry VIII and Tony Blair sojourned within Barack Obama's pancreas. Tony Blair, upon complaining about how "dark" it was, was met with great anger. The Obamans were in an uproar of this "obviously racist" comment. Blair and Henry VIII were expunged from the country via the digestive tract, effectively rendering the two into literal pieces of shit.

The English, being miserable and grouchy, equalled the Obamans in anger. They argued that anyone's pancreas would be dark since the pancreas is not normally exposed to light. But it was no use. The Obamans were convinced that Tony Blair was racist. On July 4th, 2351, the Obamans declared war.

Soon, other countries reported their dissatisfaction with English tourists. In Thailand, many were angry over Michael Cane's mockery of the Thai monarch, King BoomyBawlz "da Foxxx" Johnson. Nobody had mocked him before, apparently. The situation in Colombia was far worse, however. Keith Richards, on his vacation there, could not help but speak up about the Alien-Slave trade going on in the country. Richards was not aware of the fact that the Aliens were from the planet Xangsowatlern, and that they embraced their slavery with joy, as was the custom o their race (The Xangowatlernians were wiped out shortly after the war because they were very stupid). Other countries like Nigeria, Lichtenstein, and Brunei Joined the Obamans in their fight against the English as well.

The only country that came to England's defence was their old enemies, the French. Unfortunately, the French surrendered twenty-six seconds after joining the war on England's side. Their country was annexed by Thailand, and the French, to this day, are all kept as pets of King BoomyBawlz Johnson.

England, being pathetic and stupid, were weak militarily. They could not stand a chance against the great Aven Starchasers of Nigeria, or the Crooners of Lichtenstein. Colombia sent a million of their Xangowatlernians. They were mostly used as cannon fodder. And Thailand only sent King BoomyBawlz. England was quickly overwhelmed, and many people died. Soon only London was under English jurisdiction, and thus began the great siege of London, which lasted 40 years.

The citizens of London had no access to food or water. Within the first year, many died of starvation. Over the next 39 years, factions were formed to find and eat the weak, as they were the only source of food. King Henry VIII and Tony Blair, once great friends, now were turned against each other in the "faction wars of London". They battled fiercely, and after those 39 years, Only King Henry VIII and Tony Blair were left. They were the last English people alive. They faced each other at Piccadilly Circus, for it had the stupidest name among the landmarks of London. They wrestled for hours, but finally, King Henry VIII won by stabbing Blair in the eye with his finger. The King then Proceeded to eat Tony.

With the strength and power gained from ingesting the great Tony Blair, Henry VIII powers became superior to 9000. This unprecedented development allowed him to crash open the gates of London and Face King BoomyBawlz "da Foxxx" Johnson in one-on-one combat. Both were fat and strong, and the battle lasted 12 more years. Until finally King Henry VIII summoned Gandalf and killed BoomyBawlz. The King then went off to the undying lands and lived forever.


There are many abandoned runaways way out in rural England.

Who in their right mind would want to go on holiday to England? Apparently Danes, Swedes and Norwegians, who loved to visit the English monasteries, after witnessing the beautiful spectacle of the English abroad.

See also