United Kingdom of North East Wessex and Southern Mercia

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The United Kingdom of North East Wessex and Southern Mercia was an Anglo-Saxon Kingdom of the mid-New Elizabethan age, whose rulers tried to recreate the glories of an ancient realm knocked out in the quarter finals of the First King of England cup.

The UK included approximately the southern part of the modern county of Bucks and the east of the Shire of Berks. The capital is believed to have been at Old Windsor (as the Kings would not go to New Windsor because the castle there was a symbol of Norman oppression).

The most famous King was Egnog the Shortsighted. All that is known of this King (and indeed his Kingdom) comes from the legendary work attributed to Mad Meg, Egnog and his Times as well as the Charter of the Orc Regiments found as a modern copy of a lost original on the inner cover of a paperback edition of The Hobbit.


Mad Meg in her Ecclesiastical History of the North East Wessexian and Southern Mercian Peoples, identifies three major waves of settlement in the region.

  • 1. Unemployed orcs from Mordor followed the easiest route, to escape the de-industrialisation of their homeland. They moved to Windsor, to form the dreaded Orc Regiments.
  • 2. Overstressed hobbits fled the Shire, by the easiest route, to escape the increasing industrialisation of that region. They founded Slough, the largest settlement in the future Kingdom.
  • 3. Men and even a few women get everywhere. The richer men went to live in Gerards Cross but some had to make do with hovels in Beaconsfield.

These three founding ethnic groups sometimes disagreed about local politics. All distrusted ents (as large mobile trees objecting to forest clearance reduced property values) and elves. Using these wedge issues a cashiered Ranger called Fangthorn, son of Morris Minor, created an overwhelming demand for strong government and high taxes (with the slogan "vote for me as King, or my mean nasty looking orcs won't save you from the Elven-Entish alliance" - often shortened to "your money or your life" or "resistance is futile"). On such noble sentiments the United Kingdom was founded.

In order to end ethnic tensions King Fangthorne decreed that all his subjects were now Anglo Saxons, whether of the short, brutish or standard varieties. After centuries of in-breeding all differences between ethnic groups were erased, just in time for the next wave of immigrants to arrive.

List of Kings[edit]

Source: The Unattributed Glossy Illustrated Mead Table Book, by Mad Meg

  1. Fangthorn, son of Morris Minor - reigned for 90 years (or 9 of the 0 on the manuscript was a mead stain as Professor Imo suggests in his 3 million word essay on the influence of mead on history.
  2. Wulfsbane Glass Eye, son of Wodin, son of Fangthorn - reigned 3 weeks before being murdered by his brother.
  3. Ruthric the Merciless, son of Wodin - reigned twenty winters until the devil carried him off to hell and quite spoiled the Black Mass.
  4. Raedburger the Half Elven, son of Ruthric and a passing elf (the last that ever was seen in the west of the world) - said to have ruled for three ages of the world (during the course of a rainy Thursday in Slough) before sickening of the dreaded lurgy and turning into a Dune worm.