Les Dennis
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“We've all seen that arse...it was on Extras”
Lesbian Dennis (born Leslie Dennis Heseltine; on 12 October 1953), otherwise known as That Bloke who does the "Mavis" impression, was the star of many great TV shows on British TV. These include Family Fortunes and Family Fortunes With Les Dennis. Les was formerly a world-famous guitarist and is a well known celebrity across many of Britain's AA meetings. He is a self-described "raving homophobic" and declared life to be "meaningless if you're not banging a juicy fanny[1]". Unfortunately for Les, the day after he said this his wife left him. That'll learn him.
His Spectacular Career[edit]
Les's Career started at the tender age of three where he was forced to act by his mother. He was sent to a drama college and forced to be funny even though it was amazingly obviously that he was, according to Igor McTavish his lecturer, "The least naturally-funny comedic talent since Queen Victoria". At the age of twenty, Les (with bum-fluff moustache and a suit too big for him) started to do stand-up circuits as "Leslie Laughs" and at every show he attended the audience laughed and laughed at him. Not with him obviously, they just laughed at the way he would drop the sheets of lined foolscap he'd scrawled his appalling observational quips on and the way he would soil himself. After years of living outside ITV headquarters in a cardboard box, he finally broke into television presenting Family Fortunes the best and, well, only show he has presented. He spent 1987-2002 presenting this show whilst making "hilarious", "not-officially-racist" and "sickeningly homophobic" jokes. After Les left Family Fortunes he became a sad, sad man. In 2004, a British tabloid printed a story about his state of depression that had occurred after the final show of Family Fortunes. He went home, stripped naked and stood in front of the mirror for 12 hours straight rubbing cream onto his nipples in ecstasy and swinging his testicles against his legs in a frenzied rage.
His Amazing Love Life[edit]
Les Dennis's love life, too, has taken a wander down shit creek. His great marriage, where his wife Amanda Holden had an affair the whole time and enjoyed the rectum-sex with Neil Morrissey, ended after Les caught his wife shagging Neil twenty times in two weeks. This caused Les to "snap" and he demanded that he, Les Dennis, leave the house and pack his bags! After this horrible affair Les finally found love in the way of a woman known as Justin Lee Collins. Unfortunately for Les, the day before the wedding Justin announced he was just pulling a prank on him for The Friday Night Project on Channel 4. This left the bewildered Les running away back into his mother's home.
His Beloved Family[edit]
Les has one known sibling, a Mr. Steve Dennis (sometimes pronounced as Davis), and one illegitimate twin (see below). Steve of course is a popular stand-up comedian and talkshow host. Les and he are currently planning to create and star in a new BBC4 TV show together, titled Mavis: Les Dennis and his brother Steve Davis get into a Van with film director Wim Wenders and Search for the Holy Moly. Aside from namedropping that Mavis lady and Wim Wenders (neither of whom are involved for varying reasons), the show has little televisual merit.
What Les Is Up To Now[edit]
Right now (at this minute!), Les is living in the closet in his mum's house mostly watching Asian porn on the internet dreaming of going to Thailand to fulfill his dream of (and I quote) "Shagging a bunch of mad hookers in a room full of Plastic".
More recently, Les has been presenting a show in the grid. We are unsure as to what exactly this job entails, since the only people who watch Channel 5 are afraid of revenge attacks, should they talk to us.
One brave viewer did inform us that the show may or may not [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] involve Les Dennis dressing up as Timmy Mallet to prank call the emergency services, repeatedly, for the show's three-hour duration.
- Interesting fact: Des Lennis, an inexact clone of Les and a distant descendant of Des Lynam, will appear on the final Celebrity Big Brother in 2010, alongside Phil Babb, Tara-Palmer Tomkinson and the niece of the guy who played the Soup Nazi.
Channel 5 spokespeople refused to divulge Dennis' contractual salary - but did say "He'll be lucky if he can buy a Creme Egg with the scraps we pay him." The joke's on Channel 5, though, since Les Dennis has been seen buying not one but two Creme Eggs recently. What he has done with them remains unknown.
In 2006 Les suffered from a mental breakdown as angry fans of Family Fortunes picketed his house for three weeks demanding his return to the show. The fans played the Family Fortunes theme tune on loop during this whole period using the speakers in one of their cars. Some fans imitated the animated balls used in the title of the show by jumping across his porch on space hoppers in their thousands. Les Dennis prefers not to talk about the incident, but did say that the three weeks were the worst in his life, and he managed to shit himself 32 times.
In late 2007 Les was arrested on suspicion of the murder of UK TV personality Noel Edmonds. The coroner's report stated that Edmonds suffered "Horrendous anal injuries caused by a hard, blunt object." Noel was reportedly bent in half, with his torso, face and arms pressed against the floor and his legs hanging limp against the wall. PC Joel Corbett, the first police officer at the scene, claimed he vomited violently for at least thirty minutes at sight of Edmonds' mangled corpse.
It is rumoured that Les got the idea for this horrific attack from his good friend and confidant for many years, Michael Barrymore. The idea for a copycat killing, similar to the cocaine-fuelled anal-rape-death-of-hell in a swimming pool that Michael inflicted on Stuart Lubbock, was appealing to Les as a way of generating favourable publicity for a come back. However, unable to afford cocaine after spending all his earnings on Creme Eggs and the lack of a swimming pool meant scaling back the operation to simple anal torture. Yes, the little fuck-wit couldn’t even get that right.
Something you didn't know about Les Dennis[edit]
- He used to steal milk from John Leslie's doorstep. John got him back though by taking a crap on the bonnet of his S-registered Austin Allegro Vanden Plas, the car was a write off.
Genuinely interesting facts about Les Dennis[edit]
Oooooh, well I dooooooooooon't reeeeeeeeally know! (any)
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ That's "pussy" in Americanese
