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This article is about the Town of Brighton in England. For the city, see Brighton and Hove.
The promenade along the beach in Brighton has some shops, cafes, art and seafood stalls

Brighton, on the south coast of the American Aircraft Carrier known as England, is the only town in the world with zero birth rate. This is due to the two main groups making up the population of Brighton:

  • Pensioners: The original inhabitants of Brighton and Hove Albion (hence the other more often used name of Bayview Retirement Home). These include legendary characters such as Queen Victoria (she actually disappeared to Brighton in 1901 to retire, where she now makes up her meagre pension selling matchboxes on the seafront) and Methuselah. In fact, England's entire population of pensioners is divided between Brighton, Eastbourne, Worthing and Sidmouth.
  • Fairies: Despite having zero birth rate, Brighton's population remains static due to the continuing immigration of large numbers of gay people who now make up 80% of the population. These gays can be seen to perform acts of amazing trickery on Friday and Saturday nights, including making their magic pleasure poles disappear into each other's bodies. This has the effect of making all the pensioners disappear from the central area of Brighton, during which murmurs of "This never happened during National Service" can be heard.

Brighton is renowned as being one of the most tolerant places in the world as the only thing to tolerate is people doing circus skills on the beach. The rest of population, which consists entirely of Caucasian homosexuals, are too busy flaming around town to consider being intolerant.


The fairies are easily recognisable from their attire, dressed as cowboys, construction workers, policemen, leather-clad bikers, red Indians, soldiers or sailors. When socialising, they are easily recognisable to each other due to a special walk known as the mince and holes cut into their trousers to reveal the cheeks of their posteriors. They are extremely keen on cleanliness, as evidenced by the large number of alternative meeting places known as saunas in Brighton - some come to these in their alternative guises of 'senior politician' or 'husband not wanting wife to know about his other self'.

The more masculine female fairies are known as rugmunchers and are distinguishable from real women due to the lack of makeup and total disinterest in clothes and shoe shops - it has never been know for a rugmuncher to wear a dress or high heels (this is left to the male fairies). It is normally possible to smell a rugmuncher long before you see them, as many have not changed their underwear or bathed in years - this gives Brighton it's distinctive aroma. They are visually recognisable from their biker outfits or aging combat army fatigues and their uncanny ability to drink even the hardest of rugby players under the table (a sport which rugmunchers in recent years have taken up in great numbers). Physically, they are also built like rugby players.

Despite many fairies being fully capable of biological reproduction, there is no direct liaison between male and female fairies, each preferring to mix with their own kind. However, their magical abilities enable them to create new adult fairies without the need for intervening childhood. For this reason, Brighton has no schools either.

Brighton & Homo Albinos[edit]

"The Big Beach Boutique II": over 25 watched Fatboy Slim (July 2002)

It was suggested that the local football team (the seaweed or Brighton and Homo Albinos) play in an all pink strip to fit in with the image of Brighton, until it was noted that most Brighton fans are OAPs or actually come from the savage hinterlands outside Brighton known as Middle Earth. It was thought better to leave the football club alone rather than get kicked all over by a bunch of savage alcoholic orcs of Scottish descent.

Brighton and Hove Albinos currently play at the Play-With-Dean-Boys Athletics Stadium in Brighton, where they have been tenants since 1999. For two years before that they bed-shared with Girlingham, after their previous stadium - the Gallstone Ground - was sold to help the board to build a DIY ('dildos in ya') sextoy shop for the female fairies. They are expected to move into a long-awaited new 22,000-seat stadium at Phallus-mer in 2008 after boring everyone in the country up the arse about it for the past few years.

Another feature about Brighton and Homo albinos is its hatred of The Smellhurst Porkers (Aka the part of London which no one cares or gives a damn about) who are their mortal enemies. (NOTE: this hatred of other towns was first aimed at Portsmouth, but the sailors and their boyfriends got bored after brighton ended up losing all the time and decided to be rivals of Scumhampton instead) a lot of them are straight, but after the first properly working gay embryo bomb (GA-Bomb) hit them in 2007 to celebrate the new ground. it has been assured their population is going to be worse than Brightons population of fairies.

Places to visit[edit]

A classic Ferrari at the Start Line of the Brighton Speed Trials

For OAPs:

Bayview Retirement Home (Brighton branch is otherwise known as the Grand Hotel Known for being frequently bombed by the IRA)
The pier

For other residents:

The saunas
The toilets (to pick up a copper)

Famous people[edit]

Sussex Swans Grand Final winning team 2010, Brighton and Hove, UK

For OAPs:

Victor Meldrew (I don't believe it, in my day all these gays wouldn't have been allowed. Yeees, National Service would have knocked it out of them and they'd have made men of the whole damn lot!!!)
Nora Batty
Compo, Clegg and Foggy

For other residents:

Team House
Kenny Everett
Simon Funnyshawe
Elton John
Freddy Mercury
George Michael (in the toilets)
Stephen Fry (anywhere but the toilets)
Many senior politicians (especially Liberal Democrat) and alleged family men
The teletubbies
Pete Andre
Matt Bellamy (his vocal style being definitive "fairy")
Oscar George Henville
Boy band, Blue. This is where they have been hiding since thier last album
Take That
Graham Norton

See also[edit]