Da Queen
| Elizabeth II | ||
|---|---|---|
| Queen of the United Kingdom, Empress of Canada, Grand Sheila of Australia, Most Merciful Pasha of Yorkshire | ||
| ||
| Da Queen after hearing that Diana didn't like her Elton John disguise | ||
| Reign | 643 – 2022 | |
| Born | 1909 | |
| Died | 8 September 2022 | |
| Predecessor | King George VI | |
| Successor | King Charles III | |
| Consort | Prince Philip the Asshole | |
| Issue | Issues with Princess Diana (Dodi Al-Fayed) | |
| Father | George VI | |
| Mother | The Queen Moth, they're still having trouble keeping her out of people's sock drawers, even after the old fly is dead. | |
Elizabeth II (Frau Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg, born 21 April 1926. died 8 September 2022), officially known as Divine Proctor of the Guggenshit™, is the person most often cited as the inventor of the cat flap. [citation needed]
As a Queen of Britannia, Liz's main duty consisted of defending Britannia from attack by Infidels and crushing rebellions by the English, Scottish, Irish and Americans. She is the daughter of Queen Victoria and the great-grand-daughter of King Henry VIII as well as being related to most of the other famous monarchs. If you live anywhere in the Commonwealth, all your base now belong to her estate. She was the sequel to Elizabeth I. She lived in Buckingham Palace and travelled the country running errands and carrying out general defence duties on her trusty battle horse, Terrance. She enjoyed playing cricket and speaking German with a quaint English accent.
Frau Liz was also Queen of other countries, nations, territories, dependencies, and cul-de-sacs; and supreme ruler of the British Empire, which currently covers 98% of the planet earth. She was currently waiting for the next celestial alignment of the planets before crushing the remaining 2%. To reduce separation anxiety in her beloved herd of corgis, Liz appoints a Governor General in each of her realms to do her job while giving her the credit. Thus she was free to stay home and sew her corgis together into an attractive wreath at Christmas.
Contrary to popular belief, she was actually a very famous German known for her blueprints for World Wars 1 and 2. She is also one of the Famous Four that founded Uncyclopedia, besides Oscar Wilde, Darkwing Duck, Billy Crystal and Sephiroth. Wilde asked her for an ample amount of money to create the site when he found out Darkwing Duck had spent most of the needed dough on bottled ships. The Queen gave him everything he asked for, including a little bonus "for himself" as she was a Wilde fan, and even reassured him that he owes no money to the British colony as long as she is credited for the effort. She remains unaccredited to this day.
The Queen's Secret Drug Cartel
Little known facts:
What is the common link between Frau Battenburg, her Venetian Banker Friends, the Bushes, and the Neo-Conservatives who are still involved in the drug trade begun a century ago to subjugate China? They were all born on September 1st! Weird, huh?
Did you know that Queen Liz got most of her money from the US Federal Reserve? Even though she was a shiksa? Weird or what?
Did you know that she is secretly a follower of David Hume (invented absolute monarchy), Thomas Malthus (invented famine), Francis Galton (invented racism), and Baron von Ribbentrop (invented penguins). Oh, so you knew that did you?
Then did you know she was actually a shape-shifting reptilian from another dimension? Huh! Caught you out there!... that is exactly the truth.
But fear not, because this coming/going 2008, Democratic presidential candidate, Philosopher, Mathematician, and welfare advocate Lyndon LaRouche is promising to actually use your money constructively and WIN this time, honest! Even if you don't live in the US! What do you mean, the Queen doesn't live in the US? But that's ok: she didn't live in most of the countries that she was queen of.
The Queen's Message to the Commonwealth 2004. What you didn't hear
As many of you are probably aware, on Christmas Day it is the Queen's annual duty to give a short speech to the nation. However what you may not be aware of is what we actually see and hear is not actually live but an edited transcript that is the end of a very long process of editing and reshooting.
However, a secret tape has been passed on, with the full unedited broadcast on it. I think it makes the Queen just that bit more wonderful, don't you?
"Yo dudes, dis am Bessie in da big 'ouse biggin' it up for da baubles an da tinsel..." "Your Majesty?" "No?" "Erm..not quite SO informal, perhaps?" "I'm not sorry?" "Can we do it again without the argot?" "Well William and Harry thought it would help me communicate with the young. It's how they all talk, apparently." "Yes, but some people might consider it inappropriate for a monarch. Can you start again with a bit more authority?" "I suppose so, if you think it's right."
EDIT POINT 2 MINUTES LATER
"Ok, and Cue." "Allright then, john? Got a new motor? Now the rest of you unworthy bastards, I'm the fucking Queen right, so listen up sharpish, cos I don't take no shit right? Now I've been called from the fuckin' sherry cabinet to talk down to you cringing wasters, so make the best of it." "Your Majesty?" "Right now all you turds who voted to abolish foxhunting...." "Your Majesty?" "Now what?!! You said I should assert some authority." "Yes, but can we do it without so much obvious contempt. Can we not do it as we do it every other year?" "You mean all gentle and cosy?" "Yes, that's right." "(Sigh) And I so wanted to boost the ratings as well. Very well."
EDIT POINT 5 MINUTES LATER
"Ok, and cue..." "The time has come around once again for me to sit in front of some seasonal greetings cards and reflect on the events of the past year. This has indeed been a memorable year. It has seen many contradictory and often perplexing occurrences, some happy, some not so happy. Amongst the latter, one has to include the recently passed ban on Foxhunting by that spoilsport Blair and his trendy townies who know as much about the Countryside as I do. What right have these do-gooding rodent sympathisers have to impose their views on us decent people? I mean what a complete and utter fucking waste of time. What is wrong with giving old Basil a bash up the brush every now and again? The population has to be controlled, so why shouldn't we have fun while we're doing it? They love the exercise, it's good for them..." "Get off the fox-hunting!! Get off the fox-hunting!!" "Well, we may be slightly disingenuous in our claims, after all prior to the Napoleonic Wars we would import the furry little buggers from France to keep the population up. But that is not the point, the point is...."
EDIT POINT 20 MINUTE RANT ABOUT FOXES NOT SUITABLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION.
"One of the big highlights for me this year was our tour of the inner cities. I have particularly happy memories of the time Philip, William, Harry and I toured Brixton. I was a little anxious about being there, after all one doesn't have much contact with darkies in my line of work, but William assured me that his grasp of darkie lingo would see us through. It seemed to cause great amusement all round when he stepped into the waiting crowds and said: "Yo, Niggerz!! Biggin it up for da Brixton Crew!!" Meantime Harry went off to "score" something. He seems to be very musical, always off scoring something or other. It seems he's writing a piece called "Crack" at the moment and knew somebody who could help him out with the more intricate side of things. He came back very excited indeed, talking about being attacked by velvet butterflies. Such a funny chap. Philip was more interested in whether the natives still ate each other or not. On the whole a very good time was had. By us, anyway."
TRANSCRIPT ENDS
Achievements
- The Queen is Lady of the Swans, meaning she can Summon an army of Swans AT WILL to do her bidding.
- According to Reuters, the Queen has 10 times the lifespan of workers and lays up to 2,000 eggs a day.
- The Queen likes all people! (Except for Diana, Princess of Wales, and Dodi Al-Fayed!)
- Starred in movie "The Queen" as Ross Kemp.
- She has the high score on Halo 3
- Can believe it's not butter.
- Owns all the swans, motherfucker.
- Is currently taking lessons from Rocky Balboa in how to be a good Auto-Bot
- Yesterday she shot down a German plane. Lufthansa are pissed.
- During WWII she took an active role in many operations. She flew against Spitfires in the Battle of Britannia Superior (against a combined force of Picts and Angles), achieving over 25 kills and became known as the Winged Witch of Windsor by her spawn, she stopped after her favourite hat got damaged during a dogfight. After that she drove tanks in North Africa, as part of Erwin Rommel's Afrika Korps, but again had to stop due to another one of her splendid hats getting in the way of the other crew members. She ended the war fixing lorries and siphoning off the petrol to sell on the Black Market. Luckily no hats were damaged this time.
- Last week she got stuck in a child's playhouse
- She holds the world record for the most time spent sitting
- Can tolerate Cliff Richard
- She also holds the world record for spitting winkles!
- She has a daughter named Gabby Parker
- In WW2, achieved the rank of Junior Commander in the Women's Auxiliary, surpassed in the Royal family only by Princess Michael of Kent, who became an Oberleutnantin in the Waffen SS
- She is the Mistress of England in US of K (USK) (really UKS)
- Can wave the fuck out of you
- Drunk a pint of brown ale in under 7 seconds
- She is the first ever person to live to the age of 489 years
- God saves her
- Loves pole dancing
- Is Queen
- She is the only person ever that's known not to break wind
- Is a republican
- Loves turtles and salt
- Discovered the vulnerable part of the death star
- Longest running Page 3 girl
Awards
- Miss Great Britain 1904
- Miss Great Britain 1935 — stolen a year later by Hitler, ze Schwein!
- Gloucester Cheese Race Winner: 1893, 1970, 1994. Runner Up: Every year (except 1893, 1970, 1994)
- Miss Great Grand Britain 2009
- Oscar for her performance in the film the Queen
- Most loved Briton ever
- Person who appears on the most pictures
- Probably the most powerful woman in the world
- World's greatest land owner
- Richest person in the world to live in free accommodation provided by the government
- The person receiving the most state benefits
- Most attractive person to ever appear on a spoon or mug
- Least attractive mug ever to have had her mug on a spoon
- The person who appears on the most currency (Irish-Australians kiss the back of it)
- 3rd place in the Buckingham Palace annual fancy dress party as a hula-girl
- Is currently 489
What's she doing now?
Preparing to join Prince Philip in the next life.
See also
| Preceded by: None |
Line of Succession to the British Throne like forever–2022 |
Succeeded by: King Charles III |
