The Duke of Edinburgh

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"Do you wear that suit to protect yourself from all the gays on ship? Bloody good idea."

HRH Prince Philip (10 June 1921 – 9 April 2021), Duke of Edinburgh, Lord Warden of the Royal Privies, Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Earl of Doncaster, Lord Privy Racist, Prince of Greece and Denmark (House of Schleswig-Hitler-Sonderburg-Glücksburg), GNVQ, Ba (Hons), ASBO, MAD, was an old and somewhat senile Greek entertainer who happened to be the Prince Regent of Great Britain, and mightily pissed off that he wasn't in control of the Empire, the nuclear button, or often his bladder. He was the husband of Queen Elizabeth II, who is also quite pissed off, though she does not demonstrate this as vocally as The Duke used to. He was the highest-ranking racist in the country despite being an immigrant himself.

Early life[edit]

Born in Corfu, Greece, HRH Prince Philippos zu Glücksburg of Greece and Denmark managed a small kebab-souvlaki store along with his best mate, Stavros, on a beach on the isle of Lesbos, the traditional home of lesbianism. Philippos soon realized a career change was in order. After asking advice from his father, Prince Andreas, Philippos decided the only path available to him was to join the British Royal Family and marry one of his cousins. Many Greeks complained that this relative was too distant to marry, but his own sisters were otherwise engaged. He arrived in England in 1832 after a brief detour to Australia, where he upset a few locals with his inquiries about spears.

Being now a British royal called Philip, he thought he had better get a British title. He already had 'prince' and 'duke' was the next best. The top duke to be would be Duke of London, but then his missus would be one of his subjects and One couldn't have That. Liverpool was out of the question, because they're always telling jokes and he is scared of ferries. The Scottish capital, Edinburgh, was suggested but, on finding it was near Glasgow, Phil began to tremble. However, on being told that Edinburgh has a great big castle full of men in tattoos, he declared 'That's for me!'

"Er, what time is dinner? Ah wait, this fellow will know."

Middle years[edit]

His really racist period. Here Phil went full-time into baiting other nationalities, pursuing his life long dream of eradicating all those who were different: the black, the oriental, the Scots (unless tattooed), the Welsh, the poor (mixed colours), the poor (any colour), people who don't know him, and anybody who protests against fox-hunting.

He stood as an Independent candidate in the 1983 UK general election in the constituency of Windsor Castle, winning with a majority of 7,453,562. However, he only showed up at the House Of Commons once during his term as MP, in July 1985. He staggered into the chamber while seriously out of order and buggered the Leader of the Opposition with a Lebanese cucumber from Woolworths. This was regarded as rather bad form since he was supposed to be behind the government. Following that, the Duke passed out in the Speaker's lap, a position of which the Speaker promptly took advantage to wild applause from both sides of the House, only to discover that the Duke really is made of motorised plywood. The Duke did not contest the seat again in the 1987 election, so it was handed on a plate to a young economics graduate who loved to have his seat licked by royal corgis.

New millennium[edit]

The new millennium saw a new side to the Duke. With The Queen's millions of pounds to spend, he had many weird and Wonderful ideas. He was once invited to appear on BBC television programme Dragon's Den, but turned it down, as he was sure he'd win.

Interests and charitable work[edit]

The Duke, or Phil to his friends, was a keen hunter and racist. Nothing gives the Duke more pleasure than hunting Somalian refugees and Southern rednecks through the jungles of Croydon (sort of like that film with Ice-T and Rutger Hauer). The Duke uses a custom double-barrelled Uzi to kill his targets, which he fires one-handed from the window of his Range Rover.


Philip died 9th April 2021. He will go through the usual mummification process and will be buried inside a pyramid outside Buckingham Palace.

See Also[edit]