David Hume
“Arguably the only Philosopher Scotland produced, and I give him credit for getting thrown out of that sorry excuse for a University, Edinburgh. It just makes him distaseful to the establishment, which goes a long way when you're a philosopher. Unfortunately, the others generally had more personality... that goes a long way when you talk nonsense!”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on David Hume
David Hume was the only Scottish philosopher worth mentioning (unless you count Billy Connolly. Showing his potential from an early age, he had disproved the existence of God, society, and Asia while still a mere toddler, and the existence of over 30% of all known objects by his eighth birthday. Aristotle had not even learnt to tie his shoe-laces until he was nine. Upon leaving Blasted Heath High School (One of only 17 left in existence thanks to Hume's scathing powers of logic and reason), Hume enrolled in New College, Oxbridge, to read philosophy. While the already substantial warping of reason and logic caused by the researchers at Oxbridge University slowed Hume's tyrannical power to disprove, by his second year over two-thirds of the Universe had disappeared, having been categorically proven to never have existed. The few remaining countries of the World reacted with alarm, and war against Hume looked inevitable until Hume himself, in his classic work, "Hume Let the Dogs Out", proved that war did not, in fact, exist.
Hume’s demolition job on reality led the Germans to wade in, and they sent their best, Immanuel Kant to sort out the issue, and though he sorted out some of Hume's problems, he created a lot more new ones. Hume simply hung around trendy cafes and hoped somebody would see how right he was, however the contradiction of himself led to further issues for him He was also a notorious drinker, while unable to defeat Martin Heidegger in a thinking contest, could easily put away more than Hegel, a feat not even the mighty Ludwig Wittgenstein had achieved in his all-too-long lifetime (who, contrary to popular belief, was just as sloshed as Schlegel).
Like all serious threats to the general nature of the Universe, Hume eventually destroyed himself of his own accord when he finally managed to prove that nothing existed bar him, and died of asphyxiation. With Hume gone, nothing existed anymore, hence Hume's proofs of non-existence no longer existed, hence Hume's proofs had no validity, hence everything Hume maintained did not exist in fact did, hence the Universe came back into existence, and philosophers had a whole new problem to wrestle over (and, in one memorable case, box over). Hume did not come back into existence when the Universe did, purely because by now everyone was thoroughly sick of him.
Extract from Dialogue in Hume’s Philosophy lecture[edit]
| “ | I've tried Charlie, I really have, I just cannie seem to find a point where I can achieve certainty Brother. Ya see I've wanted you furry hobbit butt but there’s one thing to desire and another to actually have ones desires fulfilled, is just constant conjunction, do my desires equal happiness? or is my own essentially epiphenomenal Imagination altering reality, I've tried brother but a cannie seem to get from in my life; I just cannie, it's the uncertainty over my future that is giving me real head problem Brother, I suppose I had best go press the Button but that cannie work either because it only seems to work but probably doesne. Once again getting trapped by a false epistemological position Charlie, that of Pascals Wager, and I jist wish there was someone to hold me and cuddle me and make me see reality and the truth of the future Charlie... Do ya think that could be you Brother? | ” |
| “ | The truth is, most of the time, I don't know what the fuck is going on. I mean, I go on about all this stuff not actually being real, about the whole fallibility of my sense and what not, but essentially, I'm not gonna be walking into any lampposts any time soon, so it's just better if we presume they're all real, and then we won't walk into things. If everyone read my books they'd walk into more things, so just read with caution - things aren't real, But they are kind of real as well. Sort of. Also that Descartes lad is a right cunt - he's not fucking real either. | ” |
| “ | are you seriously gonna tell me that it's possible for miracles to happen. Like are you seriously gonna try and tell me the laws of nature could be broken just like that. You're getting deceived dude. | ” |
Conspiracy Theories[edit]
David Hume allegedly went on a round the world yacht race to get awry not only from Scotland but also his weight issues which renowned throughout Scotland. Unluckily for Hume he was then forced to renounce his philosophy and embrace Kierkegaard and Pascal, in which he has to press a button every 108 minutes to sustain the planets existence, of course his own philosophy is then in doubt casting a shadow over his former fame in Scotland and Serbia.
Books by David Hume[edit]
- An Unquiry Concerning Human Understanding
- An Unquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals
- An Unquiry Concerning He He, What Else?
- An Unquiry Concerning Unquiries
- An Unquiry Concerning the Plausibility of Causality, or Holy Crap I Remember the Future
- An Unquiry at Christmas - Festive hits sung by Hume and the sceptics