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If you are looking for the TV show, ironically, you are lost. Follow the instructions below. Or just see Lost (TV series)
Signs unlike these ones may be of assistance when you are lost.

“There are some things that are pretty tough to find once they are lost. My virginity for example.”

~ Paris Hilton on lost things

“You too?”

~ Britney Spears after hearing the above quote

Being lost is a state of having misplaced yourself, this is often done by very foolish people.
"Lost" can also apply to a possession or thing that you have misplaced. Note, if you survive a plane crash and are subsequently stuck on an island, you are not Lost, you are fucked.

Some scientists believe that there is actually no such thing as lost; that people simply do not know where they are. However, in this article, we will assume that the state of being lost is reality.

How to tell if you're lost[edit]

Many people wonder how they can tell if they are indeed lost or not. In 1958, Japanese scientist Hideki Tojo discovered a simple process that would allow most people to determine whether or not they are lost.

  • Look around. Do you recognize any of your surroundings?
  • Listen to what the people around you are saying. Do you understand it?
  • Look for signs with names of places on them. Are any of these places on the map you may or may not have with you?

If you answer "No" to any of the above questions, you are most likely lost.

Are you locally lost or globally screwed? Will you ever see home again?

What to do if you're lost[edit]

The first and most important thing to do if you're lost is to travel in circles. This will get you familiar with your new surroundings. Once you are familiar with the area, you are no longer lost, and the problem is solved.

Look to see if you are there or here if you are in either place you are probably not lost

If all else fails, masturbate. Inevitably, someone will walk in on you and you can ask them for help.\

Go to Las Vegas and ask a pirate for help

Dress up as a pirate in Las Vegas and help lost people

Hide inside the Argos divan bed base of a creepy uncle: all being well and good, you should turn up in a couple of weeks.

What to do if you have lost a possession[edit]

In addition to themselves, people often lose possessions; examples of items which can be lost are: pens, money, crack, your viginity, children, your life, court cases, your sanity, and car keys.

Chances are that if you lost something, you probably didn't need it that much anyway. But if you decide you do want it, you may want to consider these pointers to help you in your search.

  • Is it in the last place you left it?
    • If not, you may have offended it. Give it some time and when it turns up again, apologise.
    • If it doesn't show up again after 48 hours, it may have been stolen - contact your local vigilante ex-cop and enlist his help.
  • Was it feeling depressed at all recently?
    • Look out for self-pitying notes and wills that may have been left by the item.
    • You may also find that searching in the water under bridges, or in that secluded cabin in the forest out back where you keep all the guns, etc, more successful.
  • Did it have any enemies?
    • If yes, enlist the help of your favourite detective or vigilante ex-cop and set him on the trail.
    • Make sure to record the events as they happen, so you can sell the movie rights later on.
  • In the special case of having lost your sanity, the thing you think you're looking for probably doesn't even exist, and it's probably safe to stop looking for anything else you think you might have lost.

Statistical researches have indicated, that if a lost possession is found somewhere, it is the place where you look for it last. This happens because of the fact that unless you are excessively stupid, you stop looking after you've found it.

Getting Lost[edit]

If you engage in conversation with another person, you may disagree with some of their comments. Variations of this situation can occur such as calling the other person a "wanker" which can cause offense.

The request to "Get Lost" often follows these comments. Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean that you should buy Lost Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and in some of the most serious cases, 6, on DVD. Many people find this hard to do if they know their surroundings.

To get themselves lost, people like to blindfold themselves, ask another person to spin them round and walk in a random direction. This however caused many accidents as people attempting to "get lost" often stepped onto a busy Dual Carriageway. In an attempt to reduce the number of blindfolded people being knocked over, the Government requested that these people drive in random directions instead of walking. This however increased the number of accidents on the road by 6.

Safer alternative ways to get lost include riding the London Underground on any random train without a map. Choosing to get off and on randomly helps to make you more lost. Caution must be used when wearing a blindfold, as people have been known to walk onto a track.

Lost, the Direction[edit]

Lost was found as a direction in 1968 in the small town of San Diego. They found it in their own way, which might have included either drugs, sex, spaceships, or aliens. It only used one of the previous four ways of being found, though, and they don't really remember which they used, so it is theorized to be spaceships.

If you think you're lost, try to locate yourself using this navigation box, hope this helps:

Your location in Earth

Earth - Continent - Country - State - City - Neighbourhood - Building - Flat - You - Head -