Lyons
Lyons is not located on any map because it consumes the entire face of planet Earth. The US Senate voted on February 29th, 3008, to make Lyons a tiny, insignificant blip on the map of Colorado because they were jealous of the Lyonites' superiority. Since then, people have been led to believe that Lyons is only a tiny town in the Front Range of Colorado.
Lyons was supposedly founded in 1881 by Edward 'I was a teenage explorer' S. Lyon (who, in a fit of rage after learning that the name Lyon was taken, decided to move the "S." initial to the end of his last name). Its first appearance, however, is on a map that was carved into an Egyptian tomb. The finder of this map was soon eaten afterward by the Sphinx. Starting with a family of four, (named Adam, Eve, Cain, and Abel) the city quickly grew to a population of over six billion, and is still growing. Now a days only 1500 residents will actually admit that they are part of the original planet of Lyons.
“Keep driving folks, nothing to see here! The offical town motto.”
| Official language | English, Mormon |
| Capital | The giant egg in town |
| King | That one guy with the hair. If he's out of town, the tall guy who wears hockey jerseys. |
| Population | 6 billion and rising. |
| Religion | Mormon. Anything else is strictly outlawed by Big Brother. |
| Area | Bigger than a breadbox. |
| Established | Who knows? |
| Motto | "Get stoned!" (Replaced old motto 'Soylent Green is people!') |
| Currency | River rocks, sporks, and other blunt objects. US currency is accepted. |
| National anthem | "The Llama Song" |
| National Sports | intergalactic combat, football, basketball, and beer chugging |
| National Products | stone, beer, Mormons |
| Country code Top Level Domain | .com, .org, .net, .gov, .stone, .beer, .mormon |
| Elevation | Below sea level to 29,028 feet. |
| Exports | rocks (sandstone), beer, oil, Mormons |
| Imports | Old people, water, sporks, mysterious mystery cheese from France |
Economy[edit]
Lyons' biggest export to the solar system and surrounding galaxies is sandstone (in its liquid form, known as oil). Decrease in supplies of this vital resource has caused a spike in prices and intergalactic war on the Middle East Galaxy. Sandstone is the most consumed energy resource in the solar system, but recently, environmentalists have brought up concerns that it may be contributing to the reversal of the Big Bang. (Sandstone is used in Lyons for beating bad children.) A recent increase in the elderly population has sparked a greater percentage in the exportation of fresh corpses as well.
Lyons' biggest import is water from the colony of Longmont, for the Lyonites use their water to convert sandstone to oil. It's expensive. 'Nuff said.
Art[edit]
"Art" is a questionable form of entertainment for the people of Lyons. There is a large metal sculpture in the front of town with someone's strange interpretation of an apple, that could easily be used as a cell-phone tower, but it is being used to contact the Middle East Galaxy to schedule arms shipments. Along with serving as a contact tower, this sculpture seems to spawn. The tower came first, then the apple, then some strange figure that resembles a cartoon character with one eye. Also, there is a rock hanging precariously off a string from the highest tower, waiting for the right person to come along, so it can drop and kill them instantly. Amazingly, those who have been spared by the rock have still made the journey to see all the "wonderful" sculptures on the Sculpture Trail in Lyons.
Sex[edit]
Being a continuously growing planet of over 6 billion people, the answer to this question is obvious. No one ever has sex in Lyons, and those who do are chastised and ran out of town by 'social purity' patrols, never to be heard from again. Children are delivered by the stork on a regular basis.
Community Events and Activities[edit]
- Drinking
- Driving around in circles until you puke. (One of the biggest past-times on Lyons.)
- Biking around in circles until you puke. (See above, for the youth)
- Hick festivals (Blue Grass, Celtic, Folk)
- Antiquing (You throw flour on people for instant dust! YAY! ANTIQUING!)
- Halloween Parade (Or, CSI: Torture Chamber)
- Parade of Lights (AKA: "Survivor: Three Degrees Fahrenheit")
- Taunting mountain lions (Instant fun!)
- Donkey huffing. (They aren't smart enough to use kittens)
People[edit]
The following persons have not or will not be born on the planet of Lyons. Ingrates.:
- Tom Cruise (Scientology has no place here)
- Leonardo DiCaprio (failed IQ test)
- Lindsay Lohan (See above)
- Hillary Duff (See above)
- Britney Spears (For reasons above and that she shaved her head for laser deflection.)
- The Governator (Got to the chopper instead)
- Dakota Fanning (Just Because)
- Darth Vader (Does not require explanation)
Food[edit]
The local bars (known as 'restaurants' in some places)...serve peanuts fine cuisine. Hey, there's always Subway. You know a restaurant is good when the number of people at the bar outnumber those at tables. Lyons' exotic cuisine consists of pretzels, burgers, peanuts, pizza, burritos, hot pockets, and peanuts. The Chickenbox, once consumed in large quantities, has lost favor with the people of Lyons, who now choose Marijuana. Lyonites also find it a special treat to crunch down on a small slab of sandstone from time to time.
Education[edit]
Surprisingly enough, education in Lyons is cramped. Very cramped. There are six billion people in lyons...and four billion of those are children. There are two schools on Lyons. They are both the size of a small apartment. In the elementary school, children are required to take one session of college-level math, agriculture, football, quarrying, and intergalactic relations. The only difference in middle school is that they add a combat session and an intense training (boot-camp)in intergalactic warfare. High school is spent completely on the science of sandstone, football, mountain lion tracking, sculpture, and water management. College is not an option for the Lyonites, for they are born with a college-level education.
Mormons[edit]
Home to the 'Ultra Huge Mega Mormon Church Under Nice Trees (the UHMMCUNT), and also home to the horrible, horrible Naropa University. Archrivals with the University of Colorado.
Why Visit?[edit]
Why do you even ask that question? You are ON it. Lyons is a planet, REMEMBER?!! You should feel privileged to be a part of this highly evolved society. Now pat yourself on the back, give yourself a hug, have a drink, then drive around in circles.
Links[edit]
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