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The planet Mercury as seen in 1620.

Mercury (Latin: Mercurus) is an artificial planet orbiting the jovian moon Hiho in a circular orbit at a surface to surface separation of a mere 17.3 km. Its radius is 2339 km, and it completes an orbit of Hiho in (presently) a mere 6.2 hours. After its creation in 1620 by the visionary Galileo Galilei it was expected to become tidally locked with Hiho, but due to the small separation to its primary, atmospheric acceleration from Hiho's outer atmosphere has accelerated the point of Mercury closest to Hiho, leading instead to present day's rapidly spinning Mercury. The conservation of energy and momentum has at the same time lead to Hiho spinning rapidly in the opposite direction, meaning that Mercury's relative speed through Hiho's atmosphere has gotten bigger now than originally, and the acceleration has therefore sped up. It is widely agreed that relativistic echoes from the near-infinite spin this system is expected to achieve in at most 3 million years is the driving force behind the current rotation of the solar system. It should be also said that Jupiter can kick Saturn's ass, but Mercury in certain cases can win over Jupiter too, if Jupiter is drunk.

One would expect the close proximity to the molten world of Hiho would make human use of Mercury impossible, but the cooling caused by the rapid rotation has solved this problem, making the originally molten ball of metal (hence the name) a machine-inhabitable world suitable for factories. It is therefore one of only two planets in our solar system to be 0wned and operated by car manufacturers.

In direct competition with Ford-controlled Mercury Inc. is General Motors-owned Saturn.

The outsourcing of auto mobile manufacturing to other planets has garnered stiff opposition from trade unions such as the UAW; nonetheless auto mobiles are now one of the two most important exports from the planet (the other being thermometers).

The Cult of Freddie is advocating an alternate version of the creation of the planet, claiming that Mercury was built at Magraethea by rock star Freddie Mercury who they claim now reigns over the entire planet as Queen.

Automotive Industry[edit]

Each year, the People of Mercury turns its surplus of cow shit and lunar dust into cars, which are then sent to earth to assist in attempt to kill Harrison Ford and their attempt to take control of Ford. However, no one in their right mind would actually buy one of these pieces of shit, despite how much their evil spy Jill Wagner (Shes fucking hot, despite being a martian whore) tries to convince us. Only the weak minded old fall for their fucking traps.


  • Milan- Named after the first Mercurian Colony on Earth, this lightning fast rocket ship has 4 reverse mounted plasma cannons, a giant front-mounted boy-racer spolier and can do 0-250 Mercometres in 5 seconds (1 Mercometre= about 1/4 mile an hour or so, cuz Jill Wagner is so fucking attractive). It is the Mercurites heavy attack weapon, and the one that will pose the biggest challange to Ford .
  • Sable- This is the basic unit of the Mercurites army. Dumb, basic, it is basically a gun, seats, and some wheels.
  • Mariner- This the best weapon in their arsenal. It caries the laser-restiant waterfall grill, a fuck load of guns, and most importantly, can deploy ninjas out of the boot, just incase Jill Wagner needs assistance (in any way, hee hee!).

Interactive Periodic Table[edit]

Mercury is also a chemical element but no one cares.

But if you're a friendless nerd with nothing better to do then why not research another element?

Press a link in the table below:

Periodic table of the elements
H He
Li Be B C N O F Ne
Na Mg Al Si P S Cl Ar
K Ca Sc Ti V Cr Mn Fe Co Ni Cu Zn Ga Ge As Se Br Kr
Rb Sr Y Zr Nb Mo Tc Ru Rh Pd Ag Cd In Sn Sb Te I Xe
Cs Ba Lu Hf Ta W Re Os Ir Pt Au Hg Tl Pb Bi Po At Rn
Fr Ra Lr Rf Db Sg Bh Hs Mt Ds Rg Cn Nh Fl Mc Lm Ts Og
La Ce Pr Nd Pm Sm Eu Gd Tb Dy Ho Er Tm Yb
Ac Th Pa U Np Pu Am Cm Bk Cf Es Fm Md No

See also[edit]