Xenon

This is the first thing that came up when I googled "xenon," although I don’t think this is xenon. Wait a sec, I googled Lennon. How the hell did I do that? The X and the L aren’t even near each other.

So you want to know about xenon, eh? Well, you've come to the right place. I, for one, know a ton of stuff about xenon. Like, I know it starts with an X, and that’s pretty cool. I mean, no other words start with the letter X. Except for xylophone, but that’s like the only other word that does. In fact, I think that xylophone is more famous for starting with an X than for being a musical instrument. C’mon, who plays the xylophone?

Anyway, xenon starts with an X too, which is cool, and it also means it’s either pronounced zee-non or ecksee-non. Although, I think its pronounced the first way. After all, the X makes a Z sound in xylophone... Which is weird. Why doesn’t X get its own sound? That’s stupid. There shouldn’t even be a letter X to begin with. All we need is Z if X makes a Z sound. Now you might say, "But X doesn't make a Z sound in words like fox and Mexico." True, but then it's making the same sound as CKS. If fox was spelled focks, no one would care. We really don't need X at all. The only purpose X serves is making your name sound cool if it has an X in it. I mean, Xavier is cool name. Ckavier... not so much. Maybe X is alright, although I think that Q is a stupid letter too. Why do we need Q? All that "U follows Q" nonsense is just confusing. Plus, Q doesn't make its own sound either. It makes a K sound. Stupid Q.

The History of Xenon

Now, that's what xenon looks like, all purpley and stuff.

What? Oh right, back to xenon. As I said before, I'm totally an expert on xenon. I haven't even scraped the surface of all the xenon related information stored in my brain. And I most certainly know the history of xenon, I'm just blanking on it right now. Let's see, I think someone once told me that my headlights were xenon. Or maybe they said they were broken... Well, it doesn't really matter. I'll use the first thing. So, xenon was invented for use in headlights by, um, people who like headlights. Sounds plausible. What else? It's purple. And it starts with an X. And it rhymes with fenon. Oh wait, fenon isn't a word. Well, if fenon was a word, xenon would rhyme with it. I mean xenon would rhyme with "fenon," not with "it." I was using "it" to represent the word "fenon," not the word "it." Just so you know. Okay.

Questions running through my head

Oh My God, all this thinking about xenon is driving me crazy. There are so many questions running through my head right now. Everything from "What is xenon?" to "Why am I writing about xenon?" to "How do I find out more about xenon?" to "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" That last question might sound unrelated, but it’s not. You see, I can barely pronounce the word xenon, and it's impossible to say that tongue twister, so there. Also, woodchuck is a funny word, and I like saying it. And you know what else is a funny word. Prune. And chainsaw. And platypus and armadillo. I mean, if someone told you a story about a woodchuck, a platypus, and an armadillo who eat prunes and use chainsaws, you’d be in stitches.

Where does that phrase come from anyway?

That's interesting. "To be in stitches." I wonder how that originated. When people used to laugh, did they rupture their appendix or something and have to get surgery? Probably not. I guess it's just one of those phrases. People say it, but it doesn't mean anything. Another one of those phrases. "U can't touch this." Of course U can't touch anything. It doesn't have arms, a body, or a mind. It's just a letter. And a stupid letter at that. All U does is follow Q, which we don't need to begin with. God, our language is confusing. There too many letters and weird rules. Why can't we be more like morse code? There are only two stinkin' letters in Morse code and you've yourself a language! Why can't we do that? It would sure be easier for kids to memorize the alphabet.

Back to Xenon

Okay, so I was talking to this guy about xenon, because, you know, I wanted to show off my vast amounts of knowledge on the subject. But this guy was a total expert on xenon or something because he told me that xenon was (get ready for this) an ELEMENT! I know, I was shocked too. I thought that the elements were Earth, Air, Water, and Fire, but I guess that those years of watching Avatar: The Last Airbender on Nicktoons were misleading. Anyway, this dude was like, "Wait, you're having a conversation with me about xenon and you don't even know that it's an element?" And I'm like, "Wow, could you be more arrogant?" I just left after that. I mean, why would I want to talk to someone who mocks me when I don't know some obscure fact? What a douche.

See Also

• Xylophone
• Periodic Table
• Purple

Periodic table of the elements

H

​

He

Li

Be

​

B

C

N

O

F

Ne

Na

Mg

​

Al

Si

P

S

Cl

Ar

K

Ca

Sc

Ti

V

Cr

Mn

Fe

Co

Ni

Cu

Zn

Ga

Ge

As

Se

Br

Kr

Rb

Sr

Y

Zr

Nb

Mo

Tc

Ru

Rh

Pd

Ag

Cd

In

Sn

Sb

Te

I

Xe

Cs

Ba

Lu

Hf

Ta

W

Re

Os

Ir

Pt

Au

Hg

Tl

Pb

Bi

Po

At

Rn

Fr

Ra

Lr

Rf

Db

Sg

Bh

Hs

Mt

Ds

Rg

Cn

Nh

Fl

Mc

Lm

Ts

Og

​

La

Ce

Pr

Nd

Pm

Sm

Eu

Gd

Tb

Dy

Ho

Er

Tm

Yb

Ac

Th

Pa

U

Np

Pu

Am

Cm

Bk

Cf

Es

Fm

Md

No

Compounds: Idiotic Table • Canadian Table • Euclid's Elements • Noble gases • Unununium • Unobtanium