Titanium
Titanium is a d block element with a little-known history. A lustrous, silver-coloured transition metal with, low density, and high strength, it was discovered by Cornish Tin-miners and named after their great admiration for the mammary glands of Queen Victoria. Unknown outside the southwest of England for several generations, the first samples were cast into giant fun-bags and displayed at the pit-head to encourage worker attendance and punctuality. Titanium’s resistance to corrosion and its hard-wearing nature meant that these “busts” retained their appealing shine despite the weather and the rough handling of horny Cornishmen.
These properties had obvious appeal for engineers across the world and Titanium is now used to make strong, lightweight alloys for use in the aerospace industry, petrochemical processing, desalination plants, making shiny breasts, the automotive industry, glittery boob production, medical prostheses, dental implants, sparkly melon manufacture, and a range of other applications include jubbly-assembly, knocker-creation and Nork-building.
However, the reputation of the metal suffered for many years after an incident in 1912 when the 100% Titanium ocean liner named in its honour, RSS Titanic, foundered on its maiden voyage. The official history blamed a number of factors for Captain Smith running full-speed into ice. Reliable First Class passengers, however, told newspaper reporters that notorious ladies’-man, Smith, was so taken by Lady Bunty Chestworthy’s imposing hooters that he abandoned the bridge for the ballroom despite of thick fog in the Atlantic Ocean. Almost respectable Second Class passengers insisted that when approached by messengers from second-in-command, Chief Officer Henry "Baps" Wilde, Smith refused to return to the wheelhouse to resume command.
"This thing is fucking unsinkable," a number of Third Class oiks insist that he shouted. “How can you expect me to leave until I get at least an eyeful of those noble puppies?”
According to Steerage-dwelling guttersnipes, four burly stokers were then required to haul Smith from Lady Chestworthy's fronties after the fateful collision had thrown the pair together and recharged everyone’s glasses with ice-cubes.
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| Na | Mg | | Al | Si | P | S | Cl | Ar | |||||||||
| K | Ca | Sc | Ti | V | Cr | Mn | Fe | Co | Ni | Cu | Zn | Ga | Ge | As | Se | Br | Kr |
| Rb | Sr | Y | Zr | Nb | Mo | Tc | Ru | Rh | Pd | Ag | Cd | In | Sn | Sb | Te | I | Xe |
| Cs | Ba | Lu | Hf | Ta | W | Re | Os | Ir | Pt | Au | Hg | Tl | Pb | Bi | Po | At | Rn |
| Fr | Ra | Lr | Rf | Db | Sg | Bh | Hs | Mt | Ds | Rg | Cn | Nh | Fl | Mc | Lm | Ts | Og |
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| La | Ce | Pr | Nd | Pm | Sm | Eu | Gd | Tb | Dy | Ho | Er | Tm | Yb | ||||
| Ac | Th | Pa | U | Np | Pu | Am | Cm | Bk | Cf | Es | Fm | Md | No | ||||