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The results of Osmium poisoning from: (left) The Southern Hemisphere isotope, and (right) The Northern Hemisphere Isotope.

Osmium (Old English: Ausmium) is a psychoactive element first discovered by Captain James Cook (1768) in the entrails of a kangaroo. Osmium contaminated thousands of British and Irish convicts sent to the penal colonies of New South Wales. Osmium has catastrophic effects on human mental faculty, many of which are the result of genetic mutation passed on through successive generations. The intellectual impediment associated with Osmium contamination is responsible for modern-day Australians’ inability to remain in their own country, their need to unfavourably compare the country of their birth with their current home, and their adamant refusal to return from whence they came.

Surprisingly, the highest-density deposits of Osmium are found not in the Southern Hemisphere but behind the bar of pubs across the Shepherd’s Bush area of London. However, deposits of a closely related isotope were discovered in the Salt Lake City area of Utah by followers of Brigham Young in 1847. The debilitating effects associated with exposure to this isotope are most frequently manifested as grotesquely oversized incisors, an unnaturally poor sense of rhythm, and relentless, heart-rending screaming about Crazy Horses.

Periodic table of the elements
H He
Li Be B C N O F Ne
Na Mg Al Si P S Cl Ar
K Ca Sc Ti V Cr Mn Fe Co Ni Cu Zn Ga Ge As Se Br Kr
Rb Sr Y Zr Nb Mo Tc Ru Rh Pd Ag Cd In Sn Sb Te I Xe
Cs Ba Lu Hf Ta W Re Os Ir Pt Au Hg Tl Pb Bi Po At Rn
Fr Ra Lr Rf Db Sg Bh Hs Mt Ds Rg Cn Nh Fl Mc Lm Ts Og
La Ce Pr Nd Pm Sm Eu Gd Tb Dy Ho Er Tm Yb
Ac Th Pa U Np Pu Am Cm Bk Cf Es Fm Md No