Magnesium was invented by Sir Thomas Magnesium in 1879 after a drunken night out. Magnesium has several useful properties — mostly in the south of France. Magnesium can be used to treat leprosy, by rubbing it on the affected detached limbs. This treatment is known as magnetism; magnets can also be used in a similar fashion.
Every 28 of February is Magnesium Day. Children line the streets for the magnesium parade and Sir Thomas Magnesium visits every house, leaving a lump of magnesium for good children and a lump of sulphur for those who have been naughty. Adults and bunnies, being both good and bad, get magnesium sulphate.
It is traditional on Magnesium Day for people everywhere to eat a lump of roasted magnesium, often containing stuffing, served with roast potatoes, lithium sauce and potassium nitrate pudding, which is soaked in brandy and set alight for spectacular effect.
Leading statisticians state that burning magnesium creates approximately 149 bright spots each year, searing everything within a few metres. The statisticians then sneak these bright smears into boxes and scurry off with them. Crafty statisticians, it's magnesium that gives them their powers.
Specifically, the statistician will come up to a victim with a box of burnt magnesium and ask if she enjoys staring at the sun. When they condescendingly answer "No," the statistician will then open the box with a "Whoo-aa!"
The point being, "Magnesium is bright when it burns."