Carbon

While carbon is the basis of organic chemistry, don't blame your lousy grade in the course on it.

Carbon, derived from the Greek Car (meaning "Global") and Bon (meaning "warming") is a chemical element in the Idiotic table, with the symbol C and atomic number ${\dfrac {\sqrt {6{\sqrt[{0.5}]{\sqrt {\frac {{\sqrt {144}}\pm {\sqrt {0}}i}{\sqrt[{10}]{528}}}}}[k^{2}+{\cfrac {1}{\pi +1}}-{\cfrac {\sqrt {\sqrt {x}}}{{\sqrt {\sqrt {x}}}(\pi +1)}}+(e+k)(e-k)]}}{e}}$ .

Carbon is the scientifically proven cause of all the world's problems, and has many allotropes such as chocolate and Frisbees. Diamonds are composed of carbon, so that nice ring that you gave a loved one, well it isn't exactly showing love. Carbon also has the ability to repel the living dead, which makes it especially usefull in the event of zombie attacks.

History[edit]

Carbon was first invented by caveman Patrick Moore in the year 350BC as a constituent for his new power source, fire.

Carbon also once formed a group that stood up to a significant threat by the element Boron to contort space-time. The conflict became known as the Periodic Table wars.

Overview[edit]

Carbon occurs in all Organic Life™ and is the basis for organic chemistry. It has the unusual nature of being able to destroy any environment it is present in, and it can also form Convenient Bonds with itself and other elements. It is a non-metal, and explodes in the presence of heavy metal music. Its tetravalent tendency allows it to form many pure-carbon allotropes, for example, Bucky's Balls as well as tens of billions of trillions of carbon-based compounds.

Allotropes[edit]

Carbon forms many allotropes, almost all of which cause at least one of the world's problems.

The simplest allotrope, chocolate, consisting of molecules each containing 50 carbon atoms, is the primary cause of obesity. The presence of chocolate in the bloodstream at minute concentrations causes the body to swell and gain weight.

The allotrope Frisbee consists of singular molecules of carbon. Each molecule is in the shape of a circular dish about 15-25cm in diameter, and consists of 300 billion carbon atoms. Its non-polar structure creates a strong electrostatic attraction between its molecules and fragile objects. On contact with such objects the attraction causes the fragility of the object to resonate, causing it to break into several pieces. The attractive force is exactly proportional to the value of the object multiplied by its tendency to break on impact.

A thankfully rare allotrope known as Satanite, consists of molecules containing 666 carbon atoms. Satanite explodes violently on contact with anything, and a single molecule has enough toxicity to destroy all life on a planet within seconds. Satanite occurs naturally in the centre of black holes and as a solution (providing it is below its exploding temperature with water, 3 degrees kelvin) with a pH of -666,666,666,666.6 recurring.

Compounds[edit]

Carbon forms tens of billions of trillions of compounds, however they all share similar properties, such as the ability to cause severe problems to the natural environment, the ability to have needlessly complicated names and the ability to cause environmentalists to protest en masse.

One of the most useful applications of carbon is in Nanna Tubes.

Natural Sources[edit]

Carbon exists in nature as a black solid, known as coal, found near China. It is also found as a black gloopy liquid, known as oil, found directly beneath American soldiers.

Isotopes[edit]

There is only 3 known isotopes of Carbon:

Carbon 12 has 6 neutrons and is known as the most abundant isotope, commonly found in rat poo.

Carbon 13 has 7 neutrons and is known as the unluckiest isotope, said to be the cause of Oscar Wilde's homosexuality.

Carbon 14 has 8 neutrons and is radioactive, with a half life of about 5,000 years. Its used to trick scientists into believing the world is older than it actually is.

Periodic table of the elements
H																	He
Li	Be											B	C	N	O	F	Ne
Na	Mg											Al	Si	P	S	Cl	Ar
K	Ca	Sc	Ti	V	Cr	Mn	Fe	Co	Ni	Cu	Zn	Ga	Ge	As	Se	Br	Kr
Rb	Sr	Y	Zr	Nb	Mo	Tc	Ru	Rh	Pd	Ag	Cd	In	Sn	Sb	Te	I	Xe
Cs	Ba	Lu	Hf	Ta	W	Re	Os	Ir	Pt	Au	Hg	Tl	Pb	Bi	Po	At	Rn
Fr	Ra	Lr	Rf	Db	Sg	Bh	Hs	Mt	Ds	Rg	Cn	Nh	Fl	Mc	Lm	Ts	Og

La	Ce	Pr	Nd	Pm	Sm	Eu	Gd	Tb	Dy	Ho	Er	Tm	Yb
Ac	Th	Pa	U	Np	Pu	Am	Cm	Bk	Cf	Es	Fm	Md	No

Compounds: Idiotic Table • Canadian Table • Euclid's Elements • Noble gases • Unununium • Unobtanium