Patrick Moore
“Marvelous.”
“Superb.”
“Truly, truly spectacular.”
“Stupendous.”
“Xylophone instruction manual.”
“He plays the xylophone.”
The largest gas giant in the Solar System, Duke Marquess Earl Viscount Baron Sir Patrick Moore MBE OBE CBE KBE GBE GBH and BSE is probably one of the world's best known astronomers, although the BBC have refused to acknowledge he exists. He has been the host of the world's longest running television show "Patrick Moore's Celebrity Reality Star Talk" aka "The Sky at Night". Running monthly since 1957, Patrick has only ever missed hosting one episode, due to unavoidably been called to do battle with the Highlander. In 1971 he famously took over the role of James Bond from Lord Connery of Sean. He is the author of 15 books on Bovril and was the former lead singer of Aswad.As legend has it, there can be only one, and that is Sir Patrick Moore.
The Prophecy[edit]
Some theologians debate whether Patrick Moore is in fact the "Great Old White One Eyed Moon God" of Kemetic legend as described in the TehVey Guy'd scrolls found in the Dead Sea which states that
“And lo he shall give thee the Sky of Night and reveal the mysteries of the heavens at the time of 12:15am on the moons day in the great river of Be Be Cee”
The scrolls go on to say that the Great Old One will show us the day that world will end, on a regular monthly television show.
The Man Behind The Sky at Night[edit]
Patrick Moore began his career in broadcasting shortly after buying his first television reception aparatus. Disgusted at the poor variety of programming available he set out to make amends, demanding that the BBC give him it's most prestigious time slot - 7PM. The BBC agreed, but cruely have been bumping his show late by 1 minute on every single episode, meaning that it is currently broadcast either on BBC1 at 2AM, or on BBC4, whichever is most awkward for the viewer.
“You wouldn't have had that in the golden days. There was one day when BBC News went on strike. Then we had the headlines read by a man, talking the Queen's English, reading the news impeccably. Oh, for the good old days. ”
Patrick blames women bureaucrates at the BBC who are more concerned with silly soap operas, shows about gardening, painting your house and cookery than marveling at the magesty of the universe. Researchers from the future have determined that Sir Patrick is absolutely correct.
Xylophones[edit]
Sir Patrick owns all the Xylophones in England. Anyone wishing to play a melody on a xylophone is required to ask Sir Patrick for permission, although Sir Patrick does not believe in enforcing this law. Patrick once suggested that there should be an open standard on the use of Xylophones, but then realised this was communism and has not spoken of it since.
Concerns for the Future[edit]
“Great Scott”
Sir Patrick has been concerned about the future since he invented the flux capacitor after stumbling and knocking his head against the sink in his observatory. When he came to be realised he must build a time machine. When asked why he'd decided to build a time machine into a telescope he replied, "The way I see it, if you're going to build a time machine into a scientific instrument, you cannot surpass the optical quality of the Meade RCX400."
The Sky at Night Fan Club[edit]
To join The Sky at Night Fan Club, please send a stamped addressed envelope to
The Sky At Night,
BBC Birmingham,
The Mailbox,
Birmingham, B1 1RF
False Rumours[edit]
- Patrick Moore is not made of metal
- Patrick Moore does not endorse Apple computers
- Patrick Moore does not determine Day and Night (anymore)
- Patrick Moore has never faced Chuck Norris on Gamesmaster (but if he had, Patrick would win)
- Patrick Moore's accent is not so posh that the Queen is known to be in debt
True Rumours[edit]
- Patrick Moore is indeed a national hero
- Patrick Moore does play the Xylophone
- Patrick Moore does answer his telephone with the phrase "Hello, degenerate dwarf speaking?" If you would like to phone him, his number is 6 (he got one of the first ever phones).
- Patrick Moore was to be convicted for relations with a minor who worked under him, Kerry L. Elcock (NE Scotland), but charges were soon dropped against him due to slender evidence