Moon
El Moonio, 73 Republic Of The Moon The Moon | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Crater B5 | ||||
| Largest city | Crater Z9 | ||||
| Official language(s) | Moonish, Leet | ||||
| Government | Totalitarian Dictatorship | ||||
| Established | 15th Century | ||||
| Currency | |||||
| Religion | Scientology | ||||
The Moon is a gargantuan space rock that is actually attached to the earth by a large invisible bridge connected to Portugal, much like a tether ball. The bridge lets it be closer to and further from the sun than the earth is. When it is "behind" the earth, it is known as the 3 1/3rd planet from the sun. When it is "in front" of the earth, it is known as the 2 2/3rd planet from the sun. When chain stores open on the moon, it may become known as the 3rd planet, which will make earth the 4th planet — but vice versa, at times.
Description[edit]
Although in the past the Christians believed the moon was The Holy Pancake, it is now described as a sphere-shaped lump of valuable cheddar, dirty cream cheese, and blue cheese which will soon be home to "The Mall of the Galaxy" featuring 485 stores, 3 security guards, and a White Castle restaurant. Most of the time, it is visible only by night, when the glow of fluorescent smelly cheese on the surface of the moon is visible due to the lack of sunlight. Another theory is that the moon glows because it is a covered in mold which contains millions of Christmas lights, which is covered by a thin layer of dust. When ancient creatures first got to the moon, the moon was just a fluorescent ball. But due to constant housecleaning, the moon got covered with dust. Ancient people, tribes and societies worshipped the moon as a goddess, sacrificing "virgins" to it.
In the old times, people used to think that The Moon was made of stone, which was obviously ridiculous and thus obsoleted in 1969 by the space mission Apollo 11. The moon can be noticed switching places irrationally throughout the month. This is called Lunar behaviour and has a weird effect on some people, making them do radical Moon-related things, such as taking part in Moon Pie-eating competitions and howling at the moon.
The Moon has distinct phases, which are known as Full Moon, Half Moon, New Moon, and Keith Moon. All of these phases occur monthly in a random manner, but since Keith Moon's death in 1978, The Moon has had only three phases. Keith Moon's death had a major effect on lunar behaviour, which caused severe flooding, unnatural changing of the tides, and an increase in the number of rats.
The moon is smaller than most planets, but larger than most elephants.
Distance and accessibility[edit]
Oxford University researchers have measured the distance to the moon as "approximately" 240,000. However, students of Preschool believe that the moon is really, really far away. The moon is only a few hundred miles away "as the crow flies." Of course, crows don't fly to the moon, mostly because of the absence of air. If you could find an extremely long ladder, you could climb into space and float the rest of the way to the moon using the lack of gravity.
The moon is guarded by many security guards who refuse to let anyone on the moon without the required entrance fee of $50,000. If you cannot afford this, you can also get to the moon by becoming a stowaway in a space shuttle. You can also shoot yourself to the moon in a cannon. If you miss, your frozen irradiated corpse will drift through space for the remnant of eternity.
Landmarks[edit]
The moon is well-known to have some of the most popular landmarks in history.
- Apollo 11 landing site - This is actually located in two areas: Hollywood, LA and The Moon. This is because NASA was afraid that Apollo 11 would never reach their destination, and built an alternative Moon landing site in a movie studio to receive the bonuses.
- Nazi Moon Base - In the 1940's, when defeat seemed inevitable for the nazis, they built a base on the dark side of the moon to regain their military strength and start another Holocaust. This moon base was also responsible for the Boxing Day Tsunami in South-east Asia, by slightly changing the moon's orbit, thus creating a tidal wave. The moon base is now used to monitor the world's thoughts by Nestle, a division of the Nazi party. It is believed that in 1945 that Adolf Hitler was launched to the moon and is currently frozen and it is said that he will be unfrozen in the year 2045 start a fourth Reich.
- Secret Moon Base - The Secret Moon Base is a well-known but completely unseen secret fortress established on the dark side of the moon. The dates of its construction are unknown, but the presence of the moon base was recognized by both Galileo Galilei and Aristotle. Numerous villains and superheros have made use of this base for their diabolical plans, and many scientists have suggested that this base currently belongs to nobody, but was built by an advanced alien race that was driven to extinction after the great coffee famine.
Geography and climate[edit]
The moon was once known for simply being a massive white lump in space not thought to be inhabited with any type of life, except for moonmen and space rovers. And possibly giant worms or large tentacled monsters living in the many craters and manholes.
Recently, science has proven that it is, in fact, made of heiphinic wotis (Cheese). This discovery has lead to plans of harvesting this resource. Russia and America are currently engaged in a sort of space race in order to create a method of extraction. NASA has devised a plan in which a giant cheese grater will be sent up, and the resulting shredded cheese will be pulled towards the earth and fall into our atmosphere. When asked about the likelihood of such a plan being successful, President Trump stated that "Let's make the moon cheese grate again."
Plans to destroy the Moon[edit]
“Since the dawn of time, mankind has yearned to destroy the moon.”
A team of top scientists lead by African-American haberdasher, Grambo Mambo, has determined that the Moon facilitates the emotional instability attributed to the female menstrual cycle. Destruction of which would therefore eliminate the core cause of %99 of the world's violent conflicts. Grambo Mambo's wife instantly killed him when the secret was leaked, however, his team of top scientists live on. You can view this team of top scientists in their unselfish quest to destroy the moon, or indeed, to destroy any moons they can get their hands on, by viewing fithy images on the internet. Their methods are both confusing, and fascinating for the layman.
According to a recent rumor, the ogre Piccolo successfully managed to destroy the moon in order to turn a large ape into a young boy. The immediate death toll is estimated at over 9000.
Inhabitants[edit]
“Are there donkeys on the moon?”
Despite its harsh environment, the moon is surprisingly capable of supporting life. Though aliens have only been discovered in the past two years.
The most prominent inhabitants of the moon are moon men. Moon men are short, squat creatures which bear a passing resemblance to the lowest caste of the human race: the frat boy. They are capable of rudimentary communication, which takes the form of rape jokes, gay jokes and holocaust jokes, while doing low gravity keg stands and playing lunar college sports and going in hung over to class to play games on their phones and text the females of the species for notes in exchange for unsolicited pictures of their space junk. The moon is also inhabited by Martians (who are from neighboring Mars, and are therefore refugees).
As discovered by Michael Phelps: King of Atlantis, the only humanoid resident of the Secret Moon Base is a man named Nick, who was stranded on the moon since his fellow astronauts ditched him and flew back to earth following a deadly shootout with Russian cosmonauts. Nick now sells waffles, pancakes, eggs and other exotic earth foods to moon men for a living in the Martian town district, despite not being a Martian, as we all look alike to them.
Animal life[edit]
The moon holds an amazing and terrifying diversity of fauna.
Lunar ticks (aka: lunatics) are very abundant on the moon. Contrary to popular belief, they are not giant man-eating ticks that live on the moon, but rather, a minority of peace-loving nudists who just want to be loved.
Unlike the fish on earth, space fish use their slender legs to travel through the vast reaches of the solar system. During migration season, space fish are a very common sight on the moon, as they make their annual nesting grounds on the moon's craters. Space fish are also 2/3 the size of most fish from earth. Their main diet consists of lunatics, moonmen, and spaceworms (the opposite of earthworms). Though on rare occasions, they have been known to prey on astronauts near the moon's atmosphere. Neil Armstrong barely survived the jaws of a space fish on his way back to earth.
In a similar manner to India, the moon shows unusually high respect to cows. Long ago, herds of space cows were brought to the moon from the Milky Way to increase the production of milk, the moon's only natural resource, and other dairy products (after all, it is made of cheese). It is a known fact that cows were involved with the naming of the moon (back then it was called the "Moo", until some vandal added an "n" just before the official naming ceremony). It is not customary for moon people to raise space cows for meat, not because they are sacred, but because they are dangerous carnivores that are difficult to kill.
The moon also bears a small population of astronaut chimps who, under certain circumstances, could not make it back to earth. Most of them are either on the brink of starvation or have grown tired of the unpleasant taste of chimp flesh (then there are those rare chimps who secretly snuck bananas into the space shuttles and refuse to share them). Thus, they have evolved into killer moon chimps, which are infamous for killing anything that comes toward them, and are considered by far the most dangerous creatures on the moon. So when vacationing on the moon, you may want to run away as fast as you can at the presence of a killer moon chimp.
Moon Vampires also exist in most areas of the moon. They are described as tall, menacing looking creatures that enjoy the consumption of human blood. They resemble humans and have pointy teeth and two green antennae. They only live on the dark side of the moon, but since the moon is constantly turning, they are forced to keep on walking the the opposite direction. If they stop to take a break, they will enter the shiny side of the moon, thus causing their skin to burn away and their teeth to explode inside of their mouths.
Mooning[edit]
The gesture known as "mooning" actually started as an inside joke of the NASA, when the first TV images of Neil Armstrong landing on the moon showed him descending the pants of his space suit, and bending over, thus revealing his behind to the TV camera. For some reason, NASA officials decided that that had to be edited out, and Neil Armstrong should climb back to the landing pod for a retake of the same scene, with him repeating the famous phrase about big leaps and mankinds to test whether the radio was functioning. This caught on, and became the punchline of the Moon landing.
Moon Cheese[edit]
Though many believe that the moon as we know it is comprised of moon rocks and dust, there is evidence found through professional studies that proves the moon is truly made of cheese. Moon cheese is known to reflect sunlight and hellfire extremely well allowing the moon to be seen from anywhere on Earth (that is at night). In 1984, Nabisco Inc. decided to offer a trade agreement with NASA supplying the company with unlimited moon cheese resources. Since then, this corporate trend has continued to grow rapidly. Moon Cheese contains a substantial amount of zinc, vitamin A, MSG, and sulfuric acid. Pregnant women should not come in contact with moon, side effects include: heart burn, indigestion, insomnia, loss of loved ones, loss of belly button, blindness, depression, anxiety, and/or painful death. And even erectile dysfunction.
War Against the United States[edit]
An ongoing conflict between the United States and the Moon exists. This conflict was started during the solar eclipse of August 21, 2017 when president Donald Trump noticed the personnel of a lunar space marine base mooning him. The conflict is still ongoing, but so far, the United States have been the only ones to fire a single shot. Tensions escalated when the Moon refused to respond to allegations that it was harboring WMDs in the Cabeus Crater, with the official position from the moon being that even if they did have rockets capable of hitting the earth, they need them for space travel. President Donald Trump ordered the immediate escalation of hostilities on 18 September, 2017 and the first shots were fired on 9 October, 2017 when NASA and the Air Force launched a missile for the crater believed to be harboring the WMDs. So far the Moon has been silent about the conflict and allegations.
Following the collapse of the lunar stock market The Moon became a desolate wasteland filled with lawless gangs of murderers, not unlike Detroit. Entrepreneurial space pirates promised to revitalize markets by extracting all of the celestial body's natural resources and hollowing it out through grey goo nano tech mining and selling the booty to the people of the earth. Naturally, the leaders of Earth didn't really care, as no one can legally own property on the moon, making it completely worthless, as long as you give a human a cut of the profits from your evil scheme to dominate the world, they'll sell you their own artificial womb, assuming you no longer live there, or live deep underground, it's of little consequence if you mostly eliminate tidal forces and disrupt the earth's axial tilt; as long as you make it rain gold, and the occasional barrage of deadly debris from lunar mining.
See Also[edit]
- Moon landing hoax
- Neil Armstrong
- Smoon
- Is the moon made of cheese?
- Dark Side of the Moon
- Who built the moon
- The Second Conquest of the Moon
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
