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"Ashley" photo as posted on MySpace
Actual real-life photo of "Ashley" (OMG So Hotzz Sexxy BH ROTFLOLZ)

“In MySpace, no one can hear you scream.”

~ Noel Coward on MySpace

MySpace is a social networking website offering an interactive, user-submitted network of nerds and wannabes, and personal profiles of ugly skanks trying to find an escape out of their cafeteria lunch-lady jobs. It is made up of incoherent blogs that assume someone actually gives a shit, groups of nerds who flock together to escape the fact that they don't have a single friend in real life, photos of nasty bitches trying to look decent by photoshopping in the hopes someone will notice them, and crappy music and videos from bands that no one over the age of 12 with an IQ of more than 90 would give a flying fuck about.


Credit for the creation of MySpace was taken by a man named Thomas Anderson who is also known to some government agents as Neo. Little is known about Mr. Anderson or Neo except that he probably works for the man.

MySpace was also founded as the #1 site where no-talent, no-brain dumb broads working at Hollister to actually go out on a limb and believe that in some small tiny manner the fact that they make stupid pointless websites will some day give them a tiny bit of exposure.

Myspace's slogan: "Spamming people just got a whole lot easier."

Simple Rules Of MySpace[edit]

Typical "teenager" on MySpace (as quoted from his profile)

Which must be followed by all...

  • Pictures — If you're ugly, (that's possibly why you're on MySpace in the first place), your comments like "omg so FIT! ILY!", "sex-ay biatch" and "top model pose xox" don't fool anyone; people are pretty used to that kind of thing by now. (If a person has a case of the Elephant Man's disease, then they would probably label themselves as "rugged.") It's a bonus if you're in your bathroom holding the camera at an angle (37.6 degrees has been coined as the optimum). Or even better, towards a mirror. Make sure to upload thousands of pictures of your friends, or pictures you took with your classmates and make people think they're your friends.
  • Bulletins — This has replaced the once-popular insanity method of talking to oneself. Here you write about all the shit that even people on Myspace don't give slightest the fuck about. Ok, we heard you the first time, if we WANTED to reply, we would have done so the first time. Millions of Myspace bulletins in the space of five minutes aren't gonna earn you any friends, and will encourage people to spam up your comments list.
  • Friends — This feature was added to make little nerdy saps that nobody would go near without running away screaming at the top of their lungs feel like they have people who actually care for them. They live blissfully feeling "popular" when in reality the last person they talked to were the Jehovah's Witness that had to flee in terror last time they came and knocked on the door. Having over 1000 friends does NOT make you popular.
  • Randoms — So maybe adding randoms could earn you some Myspace whores, but as much as people are flattered by your lovely commments on their "totally hawt hair lol" or "fxcking awesome t-shirt lol", that's only going to increase their feeling that you are a very shallow Myspace nerd who lacks his/her own real-life friends.
  • Bands — No, you aren't ACTUALLY friends with Fall Out Boy. Hate to break it to ya, but it's the truth, even though 99% of MySpace bands are actually so shitty that nobody over the age of 12 with an IQ of over 85 would actually listen to them... hate to break it to THEM.
  • Suicide notes — If it were serious, it wouldn't be on MySpace. "OMG I'm dejected and defeated. I feel like cutting my wrist lol, do you notice me now?" and similar attention-seeking messages are not to be taken seriously: legitimate suicide notes are not written in text or html, so don't have a cow, man. People who write these sorts of messages fit into one of two categories:
  1. I'm writing this for attention.
  2. man i'm really gunna do this, life's sad, boohoo, mum won't let me buy a bottle of whisky...
Either way, no-one gives a damn fuck. Although it DOES suck if you're not allowed to buy whiskey...nonetheless you SHOULD kill yourself if you're headed down that road in the first place (no one who matters will notice, much less care).
  • HTML formatting — If you haven't got this one down, you might as well forget the idea of owning a MySpace page entirely. In fact, even if you've got it down the bloated MySpace underworld doesn't need another jackass thinking they're a part of something that any normal person gives a shit about.
  • Hate mail — Does NOT mean you are famous; quite possibly the opposite. So remember that before you put something stupid on your page like a glittering flash saying "Keep hatin, ur only makin me famous lol!". Keep in mind that MySpace "fame" is worth the exact same amount as the turd that came out of you the last time you sat down on the toilet. Actually, it's probably not even worth that much. A squished snail that got hit by a truck and has rotten away ever since gets closer...
  • Begging — Posting a bulletin that says "new pics, comment please! lol!" or "PC4PC LOl?! COMENTS?!137eggfriedrice!!ZEBRASHIT!!!!suxmyc=8" makes you a whore. Period.
OHHH wait. A whore actually makes money whoring. So never mind. You're worse than a whore. You're just a slut.


They may have accepted you as their "friend". They may have left a comment such as "rad page" or "thanks for the ad, you rock". However, these comments are merely a courtesy, and do not under any circumstances be fooled into thinking they really wish to be friends with you. Unless they are a little-known band who are actually your friends and practice in your next-door neighbour's garage every Sunday after church before resuming their jobs as janitors, garbagemen, and Star Bucks employees.

Some bands who are desperate for publicity produce XML bulletins. This is when they post bulletins with titles like "The olson twins nekkid 4 real" to grab peoples attention, but once the bulletin is opened 4 or 5 XML players start blaring out their music completely out of sync making the band in question sound even more shitty than they already do. Bands who do this tend to be very shit indeed. This desperate method of attention seeking will make the band in question appear more popular as every-time one of the 5 players starts it counts as a play on the bands main XML player. The total plays are always shown on the bands main XML player, and this method of whorring will usually result in over 100 plays in a day. This doesn't mean anything as the bands "friends" only have to open the bulletin in order for the band to obtain 4 or 5 plays. The exact motive of this pathetic excuse for publicity is unknown, however, some gullible bands believe that if they look more popular, they are more popular.


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UnNews Senior Editors are currently furiously fact-checking this related article:

Tom, Myspace creator, dies in horrific interstate car pile-up

Tom is the most popular guy on Myspace(right above you of course), due to his process of obtaining friends by force. He hacked Myspace in a way that as soon as someone joins, they are instantly his friend. We can remedy this by using that nice little delete button you see right there. No, there...Okay, now down a little and to the right...There you go.

Being POPULAR on MySpace[edit]

A typical Wemo's MySpace photo. Note the bad hair, lack of pubes and the Kid-Rock-type look (OMG, sooooo unique!)

If for any reason, you want millions of internet buds, here are some good tips FOR BEGINNERS

  • Add your entire Hotmail Address-Book. +1000 points
  • Add your favourite bands. +3000 points
  • Add friends of your friends, spouting the excuse that you saw them at that party. +1000 points
  • Add friends of friends-friends; they'll accept, right? You both know so-and-so. And so-and-so is dating so-and-so else. And that's neat. +2000 points
  • Lie about your age and say you're 10 years younger/older. +1000 pedo points
  • Change your real name to your MySpace username. +50000 points
  • Take a lot of pictures of yourself bending over, showing off your boobs that in reality, you do not have. +50000
  • Cleverly include your real name, address and phone number somehow on the page.
  • Every comment from a socially superior myspace user must be replied with LOL, LMAO, TMI, or the f word.
  • Every comment from a socially inferior user must be replied with a harsh bashing of noobs and pwns.
  • Never immediately respond to comments from people. Instead, create other myspace accounts in the mean time, send complimentary comments to yourself then after you respond to your own comments you may respond to theirs.
  • Respond to any survey that tells you: you will die in _____ days if you do not repost, you are serving satan if you do not repost, you are serving facebook if you do not repost, and helen keller got her face ripped off if you do not repost she'll rip your face off too...once she finds you. If you do not respond these events have scientifically been proven to happen 100% of the time according to a myspace study conducted by Tom.
  • When reposting a bulletin you are never wanting your ex back. You are single and loving it
  • Condoms are for noobs. This can serve as your quote, a blog or bulletin title

See also[edit]