Planet of the Apes

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“A planet where apes evolved from men? Well I suppose that's still more scientific sounding than intelligent design.”

~ Charles Darwin

The glorious Planet Monkeypoo (aka Planet of the Apes) in orbit around 82 Eridani. Unlike Mars, this is the kind of place to raise your kids, if your kids are monkeys, anyway.

The Planet of the Apes is the name mistakenly given by humans to the Planet Monkeypoo, which is the fourth planet in orbit around the nearby mid-sequence star 82 Eridani, which is about 20 light-years away, as the crow flies. The planet was accidentally discovered in the year 1970 by Moses when he flew his amazing Ark faster than light and crash landed in Lake Havasu.

The woman traveling with Moses and his two friends, Lenny and Squiggy, dried up like a walnut due to a malfunction in transit, which probably made them wish they had brought more than one woman. In fact, if you were going to repopulate the human species on another planet, you'd be smart to bring a genetic pool of about two dozen females for every male, to avoid inbreeding. But what the fuck, right? Hindsight is always 20/20.

Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch also re-discovered the planet after it was lost for some years due to a malfunction with the Hubble-Bubble Telescope.

Monkeypoo is generally Earth-like, and inhabited by several varieties of large ape species, similar to those found on Earth, except that they wear pants, can speak English, and are Republican conservatives.

The planet is sometimes used as a kind of heavy-handed analogy for Earth, to illustrate what a stupid, brutal species humans are. But these analogies miss the point entirely, since Monkeypoo is not Earth, and the apes there are not really much like us. In fact, compared to the Planet of the Apes, Earth is pretty sweet.


Everybody knows that chimpanzees (including Bono, a related ape species) are the most intelligent of the great apes. Why? Because they look the most like us, and we are smart. This is also reflected in the way the female chimp, Zira, pussy whips the male chimp, Cornelius. The fucking guy just wants to keep his job and not rock the boat, while Zira goes off on some loony crusade to bring down the male-dominated hierarchy of Monkeypoo. Curiously, chimps tend to speak with a British accent, which further identifies them as the most intelligent.

Along with Cornelius and Zira, other famous chimps include J. Fred Muggs, Ham the Space Chimp, and Lance Link, Secret Chimp. But none of them lived on Monkeypoo, so why did I even bring them up?

Dr. Zaius with his "companion," Dirty Harry Callahan.


Maybe not quite as smart as chimpanzees, orangutans are well-suited for politics, where abstract questions of justice and divinity are not that much of a problem. They monitor the activities of the other apes, and are responsible for maintaining the laws and traditions handed down to them by "The Lawgiver," a kind of ape-Moses, except without the ark and the animals. One of the more influential ape leaders was Dr. Zaius, who doesn't like human beings much at all. Dr. Zaius also guess-starred opposite Dirty Harry in the movie, "Every Which Way but Dead Pool." It's unclear exactly where Zaius earned his Ph.D., although it was probably DeVry.


Gorillas are thick-skulled, militaristic and generally negroid in appearance. They do the bidding of the orangutans, particularly when it comes to smacking up some chimps who get a little too clever for their own good. Gorillas don't like humans at all, probably because even as the humans are rounded up and shot, they seem to be treated with more respect than the gorillas are. Gorillas didn't actually invent rap music, but they developed it into a full-blown art form, and when they referred to a "club" mix, they generally meant real clubs.


I went to the Planet of the Apes and all I got was this lousy postcard.

The three ape species work together in a kind of socialistic community. Production is mainly focused on corn, horses, and guns, which is a pretty good mix, and coincidentally the same as certain parts of central Asia. The apes manufacture well-made, accurate rifles, which they use to hunt humans and other wild game for sport and food. Humans have a tendency to get in the corn, but the apes were never quite clever enough to develop a "Round-Up Ready" genetically modified strain.

There are no apes in what can be considered "poverty." Although lower-class apes do not live in the city, but rather down by the dumps and large cesspool. These apes eke out a living weaving rough textiles and chewing on their own hand-like feet.

And in spite of the orangutan's reluctance to have their fellow apes reviewing the historical and archaeological record, they have seen fit to use some public funds to finance zoos and museums where stuffed humans are put on display. In fact, wild humans seem to be a large component of their economy, providing jobs for human hunters, guards and museum staff.

Tourism is not a significant component of the economy, as many tourists end up in a cage being hosed down for talking too much.


General Urko, head of the planet's tourism board.

Probably the single most difficult thing Monkeypoo has to deal with is the poo itself. All of the ape species, including the orangutans, not only love to throw their own feces, but actually consider it vital to their health and religion. In most ape houses, an entire room is devoted to shit-throwing. This room can be hosed down when it becomes too disgusting, even for an ape.

Most transportation is accomplished either by horse or by crudely-fashioned carts along dirt roads.

The Forbidden Zone

The Forbidden Zone is a large stretch of territory that extends beyond the verdant foothills and into a large, dry desert. Apes are discouraged from poking their little flat noses into the Forbidden Zone, mostly because there's a lot of loose talk about high radiation levels there, but mostly because bands of squirrel monkeys are known to rove around their on ATVs, generally creating a mess.

Squirrel monkeys and large, intelligent raccoons are not part of the Monkeypoo political system, and are generally ignored.

In spite of the fact that the Forbidden Zone is, well, forbidden, it's still the best place to get a decent hot dog and a cuppa coffee.

Weapons of Mass Poo

The newer film version has fewer smiley-friendly chimps involved.

In addition to their smaller firearms, the apes also have access to weapons designed to cause large-scale destruction. Primary of these weapons is an intercontinental ballistic missile taken from the mutants which allows them to throw their poo up to 4500 nautical miles.

The greatest difficulty with this particular weapon is that the refinement of enriched poo is dangerous and has resulted in the deaths of nearly two dozen chimpanzee scientists. Attempts at creating a lower-density, higher-yield poo have thus far been unsuccessful.

See also