Nebraska

Nebraska The place the buffalo shits. We have kawrn.
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Buy Nebraska Beef! (Even though it is all brought in by train or truck from Texas and Montana)"
Anthem: "United We Stand as long as Federal Corn Subsidies keep rolling in."
Capital	Lincoln
Largest city	Omaha
Official language(s)	English
Government	Special Interest Democratic State
‑ He with the fewest teeth.	Tom Osbourne
National hero(es)	Little Red
Established	May 30, 1854
Currency	Corn husks
Religion	Huskerism
Area	a lot

Nebraska is an area on the map of North America where it might be nice to put a state someday.

Nebraskans fully believe their shit does not stink. However, their belief is false, as Nebraskans cannot smell — They breathe only through their mouths.

History

The French designated Nebraska "The place to fill in that gaping hole in Reality". After selling off the land as part of the Louisiana Purchase, the French became extinct in the New World, as they died laughing.

Geography

Nebraska is Creek Indian for "the big flat spot the buffalo shits in". It comprises thousands of square miles of desolate, dead corn and slow, weed-choked, muddy waterways. This landscape is funded in full by the Federal Government at taxpayer expense, as the United States has great need for acres of rotting corn and strong backs with weak minds.

Eastern Nebraska is slightly forested by invasive species planted by "settlers" because they "looked groovy". Its signature feature is a large geological formation called "Chimney Rock". (The tourism board changed its original name, "The Giant Stone Finger". Bordered on the east by the Missouri river to differentiate between the mouthbreathers and kawrn in Iowa, and on the west by large piles of empty Coors Light beer cans, the remaining borders are in a constant state of flux, as the surrounding states shift their anti-mouthbreathing quarantine zones regularly after sanitizing with napalm.

The Platte River bisects the state, providing an outlet for the excessive runoff from the corn fields. This is ideal as Nebraska is the center of the highest concentration use of Atrazine in the world. Atrazine is an important Nebraskan export as it converts males of all species to females. Nebraskans celebrate this because they all love a great set of tits, even on their sons.

The Ogallala Aquifer lies underneath nearly all of the state and supplies most of its water. This liquidates the bullshit to ease its journey through Nebraska's vast irrigation system. The aquifer is the resting place of the Lost City of Atlantis, which is why the Federal Government keeps Nebraska around. The aquifer is also where all Nebraska's culture was sucked into many centuries ago. Experts rebut this theory, stating that "Nebraska never had any culture to begin with."

In 1872, Sterling Morton of Nebraska City had difficulty finding a tree amid the corn fields, when he was anxious to hang himself. Instead, he established Arbor Day, an annual day of tree planting. Thanks to Morton’s dream, there are now six trees suitable for hanging located near Valentine.

After Morton used the trees to hang himself, Nebraskans realized the trees were good for lynching Negroes who were not imported to play on their football team, as well as a multitude of nothing but white people and a handful of Mexicans that they swear are legal. Other historical footnotes of Nebraska history include the births of Gerald Ford, Malcolm X, Henry Fonda and Marlon Brando — all of whom achieved success seconds after leaving the state for good.

In 1962, Bob Devaney came to Nebraska and made Tom Osborne out of clay, breathed life into him and said it was good.

Government

Corn. Fields. More corn. And even more.

Oh yeah, and the only unicameral legislature in the U.S. Instead of a House and a Senate, like every other state, Nebraska has only one chamber, called the Unicorn. Its members are called Senators, as it used to be the Senate and there used to be a House, until 1937, when the latter's members left Nebraska in a vain attempt to avoid the rampant sandstorms. There are no longer enough people in Nebraska to fill two chambers. Nebraska's unique state government is the reason schoolchildren's noses wrinkle when they are taught that the 50 states have 99 legislative chambers (usually when computing which political party controls the most). Nebraska also is the largest producer of asterisks in tables on America's legislatures. Nebraska's schoolchildren spend several extra weeks in school studying this unique form of well-mannered, organized bullshit, and several city blocks are represented in the Unicorn, while miles and miles of KAWRN is not.

Nebraskans, being a progressive bunch, once elected an angry black man to the Unicameral; after they did so, they vowed never to do it again...but Eric Crouch might be in the running soon, since Nebraska is the only state that still thinks he's worth something.

Nebraska was formerly ruled by a duke. The position of Duke of Nebraska is now a solely ceremonial role, which is currently held by Larry the Cable Guy, who voices Mater, from the movie Cars, who lives in Nebraska.

In recent years, Nebraska has been ruled by the Cornhusker Nationalist Party and its Chairman, Bo "Go Screw Yourself" Pelini. This party was swept to power after the humiliating defeat of Nebraska at the hands of the Auburn Alliance in the so-called Cotton War. Its ideology focuses on the purity of the Nebraskan cornline and seeks to keep it free of inferior kernels. The party has also sought to expand in the hopes of adding some place of interest to Nebraska and thus initiated an invasion of Iowa, resulting in a brutal war of attrition between the two superpowers. Scholars are baffled by Nebraska's invasion, noting that there is nothing interesting in Iowa either. The war continues to this day; Nebraska occupies the exclave of Carter Lake and Pottawatomie County, while Iowa occupies Nebraska City. The Cornhusker Nationalist Party has demanded the return of this "strategically important" small town in Nebraska, its 22nd largest (pop. 7,000), which still claims to be "red to the core".

Economy

Nebraska has three exports: corn, rabid college football fans, and bullshit. The primary imports are ranch dressing, husker's gear made in Asian sweatshops by blind, fingerless children, and hip waders to wade through the bullshit.

Despite the above exchanges, Nebraska has no true economy. The entire state is propped up by the federal government with farm subsidies. Corn is never harvested, as it is worth more if allowed to stand and rot. The illusion of failed crops ensures the annual Federal paycheck. Small localized versions of what some refer to as an economy center around the trading of daughters for breeding, Bible pages for use as toilet paper, and pure racism extract to spread in the guise of Christian fanaticism.

Culture

There is no real culture in Nebraska. Currently there is a movement to "put Nebraska on the map" by petitioning to change the spelling of "corn" to "kawrn", thus reinforcing all the stereotypes.

Mouthbreathing, a sure indicator of a Nebraskan, could be considered a form of culture. This form of atmospheric intake utilizes only an open mouth and the abdominal muscles. Lubrication of the oral cavity is achieved by occasional lip-licking and drooling. Other breathing functions are gone, as the requisite muscles have atrophied. While considered a medical condition in most of the developed world, mouthbreathing is a way of life for Nebraskans. Recent research reveals that mouthbreathing has its origins in the attempt of early Nebraskan settlers attempting to raise their blood-oxygen levels to boost brain power. Sadly, they were unable to comprehend the fallacy of this tactic, but successfully passed on the new genetic mutation.

Religion

There are three main religions in Nebraska: Huskerism, Christianity, and Republicanism.

Huskerism is a small, zealous cult popular with the poorly educated fans of College Football. Adherents can be easily identified by their predilection for crimson-red clothing emblazoned with the only letter of the English alphabet they can read: "N". They worship a triad of idols. The first is a pictograph of a farmer in overalls, referred to as "Herbie Husker" or "Li'l Red". The second is a large ear of partially shucked corn. The third is a strange entity called "Tomosbourne", believed to be the incarnate avatar of the union of Herbie and the Corn. They can be often heard chanting "Go Big Red", a local euphemism for uncontrolled genital bleeding.

Christianity is less a religion and more of a weak excuse for Nebraskans to try and hide their infamous low intelligence. Unlike true Christians, Nebraskan Christians readily support inbreeding and chinchilla abuse. Worship services are usually planning sessions for the next lynching, beating, dragging, or fisting of the targeted people and animals previously mentioned.

Republicanism is indistinguishable from both Huskerism and Christianity. Republicans worship Ronald Reagan as the Creator and the forced, involuntary sterilization of anyone earning under $90,000 per year.

Tourism

An example of the vast forests that populate eastern Nebraska.

The climate consists of a mix of mud and frozen wasteland. It is a popular tourist destination for those who do not know any better. The nearly featureless geography often leads lost travelers to believe they are in a useful state, like Kansas, Missouri, or Euphoria.

However, a few self-proclaimed tourist sites do exist. Most are in fact cleverly disguised hobo and migrant worker rest stations such as downtown Lincoln, the Old Market in Omaha, or the Incest Celebration Hall in Kearny.

Nebraska has three notably natural features. They are worth mention only in that they posses striking resemblances to the appendages for which they are named. "The Gigantic Stone Cock" sometimes improperly called "Chimney Rock" is nearly 300 feet of phallic granite, erect in the badlands. A second feature,"The Whore's Saggy Tit" or "The Big Nipple" is a unique butte formation named for the wife of the first mayor of Gering, Nebraska just outside of Scottsbluff. The third is Hayworth Park, an unique underwater recreational vehicle campground created in 2010 in Bellevue, Nebraska that provides visitors with an outstanding view of the raw sewage and untreated effluent regularly dumped in the Missouri River by the City of Omaha.

Lake Matthew Mcconaughey, a large man-made lake located in western Nebraska, is the result of a failed venture to establish a film industry in Nebraska. It was created by damming the North Platte River to lure the shy Matthew Mcconaughey to take his shirt off and go for a swim.

The College World Series draws a million salivating morons each summer to Omaha. While cleverly disguised as a very large championship of American Collegiate Baseball, it is in fact a method of reproduction by Nebraskans. An exchange of genetic material is achieved from the "fresh" gene pool of outsiders through fine mesh sieves constructed to strip DNA-contaminated cash. This collected fragmentary DNA is then cloned with Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing and sold back to the baseball fans as a topping for food or as a penile dermal application to easily solicit intercourse from local females. This has led to the the well known credo of the CWS: "If'n ya wanna gets laids, dips it in Ranch!"

Fun facts

• Nebraska has more sunny days per year than Florida.
• Every U.S. citizen is somewhat related to Nebraska.
• Upon entering Nebraska, one is lulled into a state of eternal sleep and/or death.
• Nebraska exists only as a state of mind, and the corn is a by product of the lack of imagination found in most Americans (they think corn is from Iowa).
• Scientists at the University of Nebraska are working on a device that will create Anti-Nebraska, a giant city interrupted by comically small patches of grass. If Nebraska and Anti-Nebraska ever come into contact, it will bring about the end of the world.
• Nebraska football cheerleaders are actually cows.
• Nebraska has no hillbillies, as hills would be a prerequisite.

See also

• Corn
• Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house
• Tom Osborne
• Beer
• Cattle