Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house

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The Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house.

The Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house was founded on April 7, 2001 by former United States President Bill Clinton. Traditionally, former Presidents of the United States are honoured with named libraries. Clinton was only the second president to differ from this convention. The first was John Adams who founded a beauty shop in southwest Chicago, today sassily maintained by Queen Latifah. Curiously, both Clinton and Adams cited an allergy to printed material, or "evidence", as the reason for declining the traditional record of their presidencies. Less curiously, the Wash-house is the only presidential monument without a dress-code.


The Presidential Wash-house is located on a small hill northeast of Omaha, Nebraska. Clinton is said to have selected the site due to his rather phallic love of intercontinental ballistic missiles. A keen adherent to Feng Shui, Clinton insisted that the building be designed to allow Canada's positive energy to flow through the building. The result was several rather breezy holes in the walls, which roughly face the Arctic Circle. The surrounding woodland was designated a national park by Clinton's last act of office. Today, Dick Cheney uses the area to shoot people.


The entrance way is adorned with cherubs and roses, and the motto "Amo amplus solum et non infidus", which roughly translates to "I like big butts and I cannot lie". Ironically this was the only honest statement Clinton is known to have ever made. Within the Wash-house is a choice of spa treatment chambers ran by Cambodian immigrants, a mud bath, and a good old-fashioned curtainless male shower room. Perhaps the strangest aspect of the Wash-house is the lack of towels, banned by Clinton after he realised that running around naked was the only other available option for drying oneself quickly.

The centrepiece of the building is a series of baths around a fountain featuring statues of Clinton's various "conquests". Featured are Paula Jones, George H. W. Bush and a stunned and disgusted White House tour-group. The diving board is a 30-foot sculpture of Kenneth Starr, bent-over and sticking out his tongue, wearing nothing but fig leaves. It was the subject of controversy when the original plans were released, Starr claiming that in reality he only ever let fern shoots touch his bare skin.


In 2007, with funds from the pubication of the memoir of his presidential years If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, Clinton added an 700-yard-long hydroslide and an extensive moat, claiming that his Wash-house was now "more fun than the playground at Burger King".


The first patron of the Wash-house was Clinton himself, who recorded himself (and partner) as "Big Willie +1" in the guestbook. Clinton fans can catch the aging ex-President on Thursdays and Sundays clearing thongs and beer bongs out of the olympic-standard swimming pool. Other famous guests have included Lakers fan Jack Nicholson and nudity fan Al Gore. Hillary Clinton visited the site just once, hiding her real face in the stone foundations of the Wash-house during construction.

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