John Adams

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for John Quincy Adams?
His Rotundity,
John Adams
His Rotundity, John Adams
Political career
Order 2nd President
Vice President Thomas Jefferson
Term of office March 4, 1797March 4, 1801
Preceded by George Washington
Succeeded by Thomas Jefferson
Political party Originally Federalist Party later Indepedent Now a supporter of the Undead League of North America
Personal details
Nationality Zombie
Date of birth October 30, 1735, became undead on October 31, 1735.
Place of birth Braintree, Massachusetts
Date of death
Place of death N/A
First Lady Abigail Adams

John Adams (Born October 30, 1735) was the second President of the United States after being the first Vice President for two terms. He is regarded as one of the most influential Founding Fathers of the United States. Adams was best known by his contemporaries as the bitter and less intelligent counterpart of Thomas Jefferson. Although it wasn't known to anyone at the time, John Adams was also the first president ever to become a zombie and the only president to become a zombie before his presidency.

Early Life

John Adams was born to humble surroundings on a quaint little farm in the zombie community of Braintree, Massachusetts on October 30, 1735 to two living parents. The next day, zombies came to the house and ate everyone's brains to celebrate Halloween. However, they did not eat John's brain. Instead, the zombies turned John into a zombie but for some reason he still grew like a normal person, hence his not being a one day old infant for the rest of eternity.

Early Undeath

As a zombie child, John Adams worked in the farm fields of the Braintree zombie commune. He often also harvested brains from the local Braintrees for which the town was named. It soon became apparent that the young zombie Adams had great intellectual potential for a mindless zombie. Adams soon became aware of this after one of the Braintree leaders became extremely drunk and told the then nine year-old Adams that he had, "A whole fucking lot of potential." The loose-tongued zombie then told Adams that he could, "Do whatever the fuck [he] wanted to do with [his] fucking life. If [he] wanted to be a fucking pimp, then [he] could be a fucking pimp and drive a fucking pimpmobile all over the fucking place." This inspired Adams and he vowed to become the greatest zombie in the world. Adams did very well in his zombie school, so the Braintree Commune forged documents and got Adams into Harvard University in 1751 at the age of 16. He soon realized that graduating from such a small and unprestigious school would get him nowhere. With his generic college diploma in hand after graduating 17th in his class of 23 students, Adams began to teach school children basic arithmetic and spelling. Adams proved to be a rubbish teacher mainly because small, human children couldn't understand what he was saying, seeing as zombies aren't known for their diction. As a result, most students were under the impression that the number "four" was actually the number "pour" and that "eight" was actually "straight," which is incorrect in more than one way. The school's spelling performance also suffered because John Adams often spoke in a series of unspellable moans. When he wasn't speaking in moans, Adams held onto the vowels in words for far too long, such as in the the word "braaaaaaains" instead of simply "brains." Adams later recalled that, "Those were some of the worst and most intolerable years of my life. Those little snot-nosed bastards never listened to me. I think they are the primary reason I became a drunkard."

Career in Law and Mid Years

Around the year 1757, Adams decided that his dream of being a great person was, unlike himself, not dead and began to plot just how he would become somebody of consequence. After witnessing the prosecution of a witch in a nearby town, Adams decided he would become a lawyer. Later in 1758, Adams was admitted to the bar. It was also around this time that Adams began to keep a diary in which he exclusively wrote down facts about events that happened and his impressions of people. His often incoherent writing reflects the bitter man that was developing within his very soul. Of his most prominent tutor in the law, James Putnam, Adams wrote, "This queer individual often makes a mess of himself at supper, daintily licking the refuse from his fat, porky little appendages that he happens to call fingers..." Adams continues in this manner for about three or four pages. He then states, "If it weren't for this bastard, I probably would have had to wait another two years to take the bar exam, so I suppose I should be offering him some form of thanks. None will be had though."

In the fall of 1764, John married his average-looking third-cousin Abigail Smith, who of course is best known as one of the most famous women in American History, Abigail Adams. Adams began to work more diligently than ever at this time, earning a reputation in the courts of Massachusetts as a stubborn and hard-nosed man who was unwilling to compromise on most, if not all of the issues the courts faced. John had his first experience in following in the shadow someone else when his cousin, Samuel Adams, became immensely popular for no good reason.

Career before the Revolution


Only John Adams could get upset over stamps. It's 44 fucking cents, deal with it!

In 1765, the British government needed some money. It was common knowledge that the King had a gambling problem and that sometimes he would take money out of the treasury. On New Years Eve, 1764, the King was really drunk and lost most of the British government's money. So the British government put a new tax in place in the colonies since it was the American colonists fault. This tax made the colonists pay for stamps, instead of the British government just sending letters for free. John Adams didn't like this, mainly because he was really cheap. Just to give you an idea of how cheap he was, John Adams gave his wife a string loop as an engagement ring and then said that he forgot to get a ring for their wedding and stole one from the priest.

A drawing from John Adam's diary depicting his feelings after not being payed enough money.

In his anger, John Adams wrote some angry letters using other people's paper, pens, ink, and names. He also drew and editorial cartoon that was comprised of several stick figures and a jumble of unreadable words. Finally, after actually buying stamps to send his angry letters, John Adams became so angry that he stormed right into a meeting of the Massachusetts Colony Parliament to complained about the Stamp Act. Unfortunately, Adams was winded from sprinting 20 miles from his office to the Massachusetts Government Building. He fell down on the floor several seconds after arriving and woke up in a Boston back alley.

Boston Massacre

From 1765 to 1770, John Adams did some fun Lawyer stuff. He defended known serial killers and had them released into the streets to kill defenseless women and British people. His wife also had three children; Little Abigail Adams, John Quincy Adams, and Gomez Addams. Then in 1770, Adams defended a group of British soldiers who were involved in the Boston Massacre. According to his diary, Adams was really just in it for the money. He was sure that the soldiers had some money. As he said in his dairy before the trial, "The British Army has no standards at all. The soldiers must have stolen a fortune from innocent civilians." Adams won the trail and the soldiers weren't charged with murder. However, Adams was hardly paid anything. For the next few months, Adams would sulk around his house, drinking hard liquor and muttering to himself about how he was, "A really fucking good lawyer" and how his talent was unappreciated. Finally, Abigail Adams decided to put an end to John's sulking. Nine months later, Charles Adams was born.

The Continental Congress

Alright, just sit down, John.

In 1774, John Adams found out that Thomas Jefferson, whom Adams had been under the shadow of for several years, had been invited to the Continental Congress. This made Adams very sad because he felt excluded. Finally, he convinced himself that they had just forgotten to send him an invitation, so he forged one. For the next year, Adams just sat around and was fairly useless.

Then, in May 1775, John Adams got into a bar fight with a guy who used an English accent to attract women. The guy, at some point, insulted Adams' zombie heritage. Adams proceeded to throw a pot of boiling tea onto the man, burning several layers of his skin off. The entire bar erupted into violence in the Boston Tea Party. From that night forward, John Adams hated the British, so he proposed that the colonies declare independence. After pestering the congress for two months, Adams finally got George Washington to get the Congress to approve the idea Declaration of Independence on July 2. John Adams was so happy that he got up and hugged George Washington before singing a song. The Congress eventually got Adams to sit down and appointed a committee led by Thomas Jefferson and including Benjamin Franklin and John Adams to write the Declaration of Independence.

The Declaration of Independence

John Adams did very little to help write the Declaration of Independence. In fact, he did absolutely nothing to help at all. For two days, John Adams just sat next to Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin and hummed, twiddled his thumbs, tapped on the table, and threw balls of crunched-up paper at people who were actually working. When Thomas Jefferson finished writing the Declaration of Independence, John Adams went to a nearby bar and got completely and utterly drunk. If it weren't for his severe hangover, Adams would have been the first person to sign the Declaration, but, at the signing, he was too dazed to actually know what was going on and so he signed toward the end.

The Rest of the American Revolution

John Adams, being a useless, sniveling, little twit, played no part in the American Revolution at all.

The Constitution

After the American Revolution, John Adams started to get some really messed up ideas. Because of his ideas, John Adams is now considered the founder of the Fascist movement. He proposed many of his ideas, such as Jewish people being banned from the United States, public school, and a ban on extraterrestrial imports, to the constitutional convention. Needless to say, all of his ideas were voted down.

Vice Presidency

John Adams ran for president in 1789, but no one voted for him, so he went into a corner of what the United States Capital Building at the time and cried. George Washington was afraid that people might get a bad impression of him for making Adams cry, so he made Adams the Vice President. As the Vice President, John Adams didn't do anything important at all. George Washington and the other important members government never asked John Adams for any advice, ever. Eventually, John Adams felt so useless that he would ask himself for advice. His problem became more serious when he convinced himself that his best friend, a teddy bear named Bobo, was asking him for advice.

At this point, John Adams also became very obese. The senators began calling Adams "his Rotundity." This made Adams, being an emotionally unstable person, go into a fit of uncontrollable crying. The next day, Adams slipped cyanide capsules into the food of several senators. He then framed an innocent New England farmer. It is now believed that John Adams was George Lucas' inspiration for Jabba the Hutt.

In general, John Adams spent his entire career as Vice President in George Washington's shadow and even when he joined the Federalist Party, he was in Alexander Hamilton's shadow.


In 1796, John Adams ran for the position of President of the United States of America. He would have most certainly lost, but his main competitor, Thomas Jefferson, caught a bad case of Jungle Fever. Adams later made Jefferson the Vice President so that he would suffer just a John Adams did.

As the President, John Adams did just as little as he did as Vice President. Adams the first year of his presidency at home in Braintree, trying to hide the fact that he was zombie. As a result, the president's position was essentially completely run by Thomas Jefferson, although Alexander Hamilton controlled the entire executive branch. This was all Adams' fault because he allowed Hamilton's economic plan to continue.


"Arrr! I be John Adams, matie!"

In 1798, the French attacked an American boat off the coast of France. John Adams got pissed off and commissioned a fleet of pirate ships. From 1798 until later in 1798, John Adams commanded this fleet from his flagship The Pearl that's Pretty Dark, but isn't Quite Black, but at the same Time doesn't Qualify as being Gray. The American Pirate Fleet battled French ships under the command of Napolean and Johnny Depp. Only a few weeks after arriving, John Adams was called back to the United States of America because Congress needed him to sign the Alien and Sedition acts.

“Awwwww! But I was having so much fun killing French People.”

~ John Adams on being called back to the United States to sign the Alien and Sedition Acts

Alien Conspiracy

John Adams had had a plan to deal with the aliens in the United States since before he became president. When he became president, he had it secretly put onto the senate floor.

The Alien "Friends" Act authorized the president to deport any resident alien considered "dangerous to the peace and safety of the United States."

The Alien Enemies Act authorized the president to apprehend and deport resident aliens if their home planet were at war with the United States of America.

He also produced the movie Independence Day to re-enact America's liberation from aliens in 1776. Even though the movie starred Will Smith, many deemed it inaccurate and requested the president's resignation due to inadequacy of mental abilities. Because he was insecure, he declared war on everyone who thought him inadequate (note that this ingenious technique was also used, with success, by George W. Bush's Administration):

The Sedition Act made it a crime to publish "false, scandalous, and malicious writing" against the government or its officials.

Peace Plan

Adams decided too give up his zombie rituals after reading a Jack Chick cartoon. He decided too make peace with the French. Though the French were too weak too survive a massive American bombing Adams pushed for peace like a bleeding-heartless liberal zombie. Hamilton however wanted too take over the world and opposed Adams peace talks with the French while Jefferson considered it a plot too reveal his affair with Sally Hemings so Adams Federalist "supporters" turned on him while Jefferson's followers burnt down the Capitol which lead too the building of the White House.

Wether Adams peace with the French was good or bad for America has been long debated. While we avoided wasteful war we missed the chance too destroy France and burn down Paris. Therefore the peace plan is viewed by most historians as a "mixed bag".

The White House

By 1799, people were so angry with John Adams that he became paranoid that someone would come to his home in Braintree and lay him to rest. Finally he came up with a great idea. He would build a bigger house in Washington, D.C. with a fence around it so that no one could get near him. He didn't realize that he could have just built a fence around his own home so that no one could get near him. And so the construction of the White House began. In 1800, John Adams and his family moved into the White House, even though it wasn't finished after Adams received a letter addressed to him reading, "I know where you live." This letter is believed to be from the notorious Captain Obvious.

Election of 1800

John Adams ran for president again in 1800, but lost to his own Vice President, Thomas Jefferson. One of the main reasons for his losing the election, besides his going insane with power, was that rumors were spreading that Adams was a zombie. This being true, Adams went into hiding after losing the election.

Evil Plans

Mole King

John Adams posing for his official portrait as THE MOLE KING.

After leaving office, John Adams became a recluse in Braintree. In 1824, John Adams' son, John Quincy Adams, became the President of the United States. John Adams watched his son as president for a few months before fleeing his home after a politician made it know that John Adams was zombie. This also ruined his non-zombie son's career as president, although he would be a senator until the day he died. John Adams' family put up a fake gravestone to convince the anti-zombie mobs that John Adams had died on July 4, 1826 - the same day that he ran away.

A clever disguise to convince the American people that John Adams is dead.

John Adams eventually found himself in a cave under New York City. It was here that he discovered an secret underground city built by Molepeople. John Adams befriended the Molepeople and gave them spam. In return they made him their king. John Adams proved to be a much better leader of the Molepeople than he did of the United States. Under him, technology advanced and the Molepeople could build better Mole Cities.

However, this Golden Age did not last. In 1834, an ambitious mole named Voledamolt took over and banished John Adams to the surface world.

The Undead League of North America

In 1837, John Adams discovered a zombie colony in Quebec. They had been forced from their daily lives by mobs as well. It was then that John Adams organize the Undead League of North America. The only problem was that the league needed a leader. John Adams obviously couldn't lead seeing as he went insane whenever he was given any position in which he was leading humans or what was humans before being turned into an undead thing.

In four years, Adams found his leader: William Henry Harrison. Harrison had been the president of the United States before being killed by John Tyler at the end of the Glorious Revolution of 1841. Adams reanimated Harrison and Harrison agreed to be the leader of the Undead League.

Soon after, the entire Undead League moved to the United States of Canada before eventually moving to California in 1850. When the zombies entered the United States of America, John Tyler found out through a friend in immigration. It was then that he and his wife, Julia Tyler became a zombie hunters.

In 1888, after the zombie district of New York City and Zombie Land, Canada were destroyed, the Zombie League of North America, including John Adams and William Henry Harrison, moved to Zombie Island, Japan. On July 10, 1889, Julia Tyler (John had been killed by Abraham Lincoln in 1862) attacked Zombie Island. She was outnumbered and the zombies ate her brain. John Adams and William Henry Harrison returned to the United States afterward. Harrison and the rest of the Undead League have since been hiding in the Midwest United States, growing in numbers, but John Adams moved to Boston where he opened a small bookstore. This store has remained in business to this day. If you go into the bookstore on Wednesday afternoons, you might just see John Adams working in the biography section. The end.


Adams was a prolific inventor during his time, and perhaps during other times as well. Among other things, he is credited with inventing ambling. Prior to this, most people either hobbled or strolled. A minority of the populace occasionally sauntered, and there were even a few people who sashayed. Some scholars contend that Adams was inspired one day when he saw a man moseying down the street; however, no historical accounts of moseying have been discovered from this era, and the prevailing theory is that moseying came later, perhaps as an offshoot of ambling. According to his diary, Adams would sometimes even full-on stagger, but never in public. Adams feared that his staggering would be an obvious indication of his status as a zombie, and many believe that his invention of ambling functioned as an inconspicuous alternative to staggering.

Preceded by:
George Washington
His Roundity,
President of the United States

March 4, 1797March 4, 1801
Succeeded by:
Thomas Jefferson