William Howard Taft

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William Howard Taft: Fit to bursting.

William H. W. Taft was America's 27th President. Often overlooked by historians, he managed to live a nice, long life, with his American-like attitude, and stereotypical overweight stomach.

Personal Life[edit]

Taft grew up in Mountain Dew, Idaho. Out of all of his siblings, he was his parents' favorite. One time, while attending Mountain Dew High School, he ditched classes, convincing his parents he was sick. He then took his friend and his girlfriend out around Chicago.

Regarded in his time as one of America's greatest gentlemen, he once gave his seat up to three young ladies on a crowded train.


Taft joined the Republican Party and ran for various offices. Being neither bright nor offensive to too many people, Taft climbed his way up to the presidency when he succeeded Theodore Roosevelt in 1909.


Taft entered the presidency with a few goals in mind; to get laid, get stuck in a bathtub, and take down the Soviet Union (not in that order). He did 2/3 of those things, saying "That damned Reagan stole my thunder!"

At the time there was a lot of public disgust with the Microsoft, Facebook and Apple company of the time..namely the massive John D. Rockefeller organisation and monopoly owner of Standard Oil. Taft skated around the issue and said 'business is business is business'. This upset Roosevelt who felt the urge to 'return to politics' and split the Republicans.


Taft lost the election, coming third behind 'Bull Shit Moose' Roosevelt and the winner, Woodrow Wilson. Humiliated, Taft retreated from public life and put on more weight.