Franklin Pierce

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Franklin Pierce
Political career
Order 14th or so President of the United States
Vice President Rufus the King
Term of office March 4, 1853–March 4, 1857
Preceded by Millard Fillmore
Succeeded by James Buchanan
Political party N/A
Personal details
Nationality American
Date of birth 1804
Place of birth New Hampshire
Date of death Oct 8, 1869
Place of death Bed
First Lady Mrs. Pierce

Franklin Pierce (November 23, 1804 – October 8, 1869) was a noted booze hound who somehow "handsomed" himself into the American presidency. Known for his studly good looks (he was the only President to have both ears pierced), Pierce's reputation is only a notch above complete crap by having served between Millard Fillmore and James Buchanan. He could drink like a mo-fo and was the first president named Franklin. He also served in the House, Senate and made the big career no-no of expressing support for the Confederacy and then dying before having a chance to spin his way out of the statement. Pierce often referred to himself as Franklin which made a great deal of sense.

Early life

Franklin Pierce was born in some town in New Hampshire. His father, General Benjamin Pierce, was his father. Mr. Pierce's wife, Mrs. Pierce, was Franklin Pierce's mother. While easy to do, one must not confuse Mrs. Pierce the mother with Mrs. Pierce the First Lady because THAT would be weird. He had seven or so brothers and sisters of which no one is ever to speak about out. He has three children, all of whom are irrelevant to society. He is a distant relative of one Mrs. Arnie Fyounk of Wabash but she doesn't even know it herself.

Military career

Pierce was a general in the Mexican-American War where the U.S. took a bunch of land from Mexico and the Mexicans wished they'd put the resources into building a big wall to keep the Americans out. During the battle of Pinto Frijoles, Pierce was thrown forward on his horse and smacked his sack on the saddle horn thus earning himself a medal and commendation for bravery when he refused to be taken off the battlefield. It is said that the high pitched squeak of his voice could be heard over the din of battle.


As an adult, Pierce did all kinds of stuff but none of which involved murder. He drank a lot. Eventually, the people got tired of him passing out on their doorsteps and sent him to Washington. It wasn't only because he was a sloppy drunk, but because everyone thought he looked "presidential," which means he didn't look like Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren. It was said back then that Pierce could "out JFK, JFK," which was remarkable because JFK was just meaningless initials in pre-Civil War America.

Presidency, 1853-1857

Pierce's presidency, apart from setting the nation on a collision course with Civil War, was a rousing success that made him famous. However, Pierce often referred to his four years in Washington as "a big freakin' waste of my time and the country's time."

The biggest issue facing Pierce was slavery, in which he made his most famous utterance: "Slavery? What's that now?" Pierce wisely decided that bad feelings "on my watch" were a larger problem than a full-fledged war on someone else's watch, and threw his support behind the Kansas-Nebraska Act, as the nation needed two new states in order to have places for all those railway stations for the new Transcontinental Railroad (the "Mason-Dixon Line"). The Act repealed the Missouri Compromise and replaced it with the Pierce Free-for-all, making Kansas the nation's proving ground to test the concept of Civil War. Part of the problem with the whole thing is that a number of voters (two) thought the whole debate was over whether Kansas would be a free state or a pay by the hour state. Nevertheless, Pierce left it to Abraham Lincoln to conclude that the tests were successful and to roll out Armageddon on a national level.

Pierce also engineered the purchase of a chunk of land from Mexico that we should have just taken during the previous war or at any old time we felt like. Instead we plunked down $10 million, which we will never get back. Not to mention the tariff for the damned land, too. This land became the southernmost slice of Arizona, and we know what trouble that place has been lately.


Pierce spent his post-presidency wasted. Occasionally he would write letters to the Confederate President, Jefferson Davis, in which he bitched about the North and drew naughty pictures of Abraham Lincoln and his sexy wife. These letters and drawings were published and after that everyone referred to Pierce as "Old Fuckhead".

The 1860's were a time of liberation and hippiedom. Yeah, the Civil War was around, but no one cared about that back then. They were too busy getting down with the Doors and the Beatles to really care about any war. Pierce soon joined a Hippie Colony in Wisconsin. Times were good for Pierce in the 60's. He was just happy the Civil War didn't fall in his lap. What a buzz kill that could've been.

Long haired, drunk and high, Pierce became the 3rd President of the Madison Hippie Colony in 1868, one year before his death.

King of the Little People

Pierce talked to things that weren't there. Andrew Johnson, who didn't know Pierce, said "That's the damnedest thing I ever heard" but he may have been talking about something else. Eventually Pierce was deposed by the little people who turned to idolatry.


After all that drinking, Pierce's liver eventually said, "To hell with this shit" and quit on him. Pierce died in his bed, an empty brandy glass in his hand. Just before expiring, Pierce looked up at his good friend Nathaniel Hawthorne and said, "Jus' wan moar... pleeze." Hawthorne was distracted, looking through the numerous empty bottles lying all over the place, for when he found one and turned to fill Pierce's glass, the ex-President was gone.

The people of New Hampshire esteemed Pierce so much that they created the Hopkinton-Everett Reservoir in his honor, even though F.E. Everett, who came much later, was esteemed even more and got not just the reservoir but a toll road named after him. Tourists and historians can now visit Pierce's birthplace, if they bring SCUBA gear, although most prefer to simply fish and water-ski above it. It can be hard to find the actual Pierce homestead as the water is somewhat murky and the map falls apart when it gets wet.

Preceded by:
Millard Fillmore
President of the United States
1853 – 1857
Succeeded by:
James Buchanan