Millard Fillmore

Fillmore, photographed here by campaign manager Bruce Tinsley.

Millard Tiberius Fillmore (January 7, 1800 – March 8, 1874) was one of the least well known U.S. Presidents, serving from 1850 to 1853. Academics claim this is because Fillmore is so bad that he doesn't deserve a mention; if they accidentally mention Fillmore even so much as once in their papers, all academics are punished by spanking themselves for being such hypocrites.

Before the Presidency

Mill-Fill was born in a log cabin somewhere. He wanted to hunt vampires because he was born there, but didn't succeed. Like most of us, Fillmore had a crush on his teacher. Unlike most of us, he married her. Fillmore was asked to go into politics by Thurlow Weed, although Weed just made the name up while high on his namesake cultivar of cannabis.

Fillmore went into the legislature as a Anti-Masonic candidate, but after learning the handshake, he was unimpressed. He became a Wig instead. Fillmore broke into the Upper Circuit when he became Taylor's Veep, not to be confused with Taylor Swift's first car, a Veep Grand Charity. Swift was totally ripped off.

The Presidency

Millard Fillmore became the President because Zachary Taylor, or Old Rough and Ready, was a bit too old and rough and not enough ready. Upon assuming the Presidency, he fulfilled the Wig Party platform by wearing a large wig for his Oath of Office.

Fillmore was the only atheist president, but no one knew because he said "So help me God". He was actually telling his aide Godfrey to take his wig off, but was cut short by his wig.

Fillmore had to direct the Compromise of 1850, which was about slavery. Being a skeptic, he didn't believe in black people. Once he saw black people, he believed, and he was able to mastermind the Compromise. Some people were still slaves, but some black people were just "inhabitants of a plantation that do hard labor that aren't slaves." Daniel Webster could finally sleep, because his murder of a slave was forgiven by the compromise.

Fillmore also sent Commodore Perry to open up Japan. Under the deal he struck, Japan could trade with the rest of the world. The lasting result of this is the great Japanese place in the Food Court of the National Mall, Kanagawa Hibachi Steakhouse and Sushi. Many Japanese were upset by Commodore Perry opening up Japan because they were closed. It was late. They all wanted to go home. Perry just barged in and demanded some Crab Rangoons which he did receive but didn't share.

Fillmore is best remembered for his campaign strategist, a mallard duck, who outlived him and became a well-known conservative reporter.

After the Presidency

After a tough retirement, Fillmore ran as the Know Nothing candidate, which was perfect because no one knew anything about him. However, the party was an anti-immigrant and anti-Catholic party. Knowing nothing about this, Fillmore was miraculously able to win Maryland, although James Buchanan won most other states. Fillmore was unhappy with the Civil War, mostly because he was still a Know Nothing, and knew nothing about what was going on.

Fillmore died in 1874 when his brain decided to go on vacation to California. His last words were "I'm going to say something witty that will land me in the history books. Why did the chicken cross the road?" No one knows what his next remark was going to be.

See also

• Millard Fillmore as a ghost