Colorado
The State of Colorado is a United States state famous for its close proximity to Rocky Mountains. Its capital is alleged to be Denver, although 0.01% of Hippies agree it is Boulder. Evanglical Christians and Pot Heads (ultimately the same thing) insist it is Colorado Springs. It really does not matter which of the three is the capital; they are all suburbs of Colorado. Due to its high altitude, Colorado is home to several mountain resorts from which Dank Nuggets and people can easily be transported to and from. The name "Colorado" was given to the state by the Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, once the head of Colorado's law enforcement. Colorado is the highest state, if you want to go to a state and get really really high: "Dude, go to the doc and tell him you have hemorrhoids and you need weed for the pain."
History of the Square State[edit]
Colorado was discovered by the famous Starfleet explorer Christopher Pike in 1812, in spite of the fact that there were already people living there (who don't count) and in the course of being heroically captured by the Spanish (who also do not count). Pike landed on Pikes Peak and named it after himself. Pike mapped the area using an extremely long ruler, and named the vast rectangular swath of awesomeness "rectangular swath of awesomeness", which translates into Spanish as "Colorado". (Although the Martian account for the name (see above) is pretty legit, as well)
In the following years, as settlers poured in, the US Congress granted Colorado territorial status on the condition that they would forbid slavery and same-race marriage. Two states were eventually carved out of the large territory: Colorado (a geometrically perfect rectangle), and (as an after-thought) Wyoming. In 1876, Colorado finally achieved statehood and entered the Union as a Non-smoking but marijuana legal state for all eternity.
In 1999, there was a war between Colorado and Utah called the Corner War. This war was fought over which of the two states would get to be a four sided rectangular state. Obviously, Colorado won the war by default, leaving Utah in the state it's in (pun intended). Had Utah won the war, they wouldn't have to drive out of state anymore to get illegal fireworks because Evanston would be a city within the beautiful rectangular state of Utah.
In 2002 Utah tried to invade the state once more during the Mormon Invasion. Utah, which is full of Mormons tried to invade Colorado due to the fact that Utah was full because the Mormons would not stop fucking and had too many kids. Colorado easily won the war on the first Sunday of the war, as the Mormons were all at Church. The governor of Utah was punished for this move by being forced to live in Utah for the rest of his life and only listen to Nickelback.
In 2007, Colorado decided to have a baseball team. In a spurt of menergy, the Coloradans won the thing that you win in baseball, but got jipped because we're not cool enough.
In 1963, 1972, 1985, 1997, 2002 and again in 2007, Coloradans unsuccessfully attempted to liberate Colorado from the Californian and Texan invasions, which have ruined the state's highways, literacy rate, over-all sex appeal and dignity. The latest attempt involved luring the Texans away from the state by shipping vast quantities of guns and George W Bushes out of the state, while luring the Californians away with extensive amounts of pot and long-boards. Unfortunately, the city of Boulder smoked all the pot before the plan was implemented, and the Texans all got a hold of the guns and proceeded to shoot each other, which, thankfully, lead to the death of thousands upon thousands of Texans.
Recent hopes in deterring the still steady CA–TX invasion have been anchored in the fact that the Californians and Texans have built enough crap and trashed the state up enough that its so ugly that people won't want to come here anymore.
An alternate plan was devised to combat the invasion: the colonization of Wyoming. In 2010, Coloradoans planned an invasion of its northern neighbor in hopes of forming a decoy tourist colony. The colony would be advertised to Texans and Californians in hopes that they would migrate. Once the plan succeeded, the border would be militarized, rivaling Korea. This plan failed when the weather warmed up and people went back outside ... away from the internet ... where they conjure up such things ... at 2:30 am with homework to do.
State data[edit]
The capital city of Colorado may or may not be Englewood, which is the state's second largest city after Wyoming City if any city in Wyoming actually consisted of more than cows and a farmer with four hundred pet bears. Colorado is one of the slowest growing states in the union, due to how incredibly difficult it is to breathe there. Contrary to popular belief Denver is not the capital of Colorado, it was stripped of it's title as capital when it admitted to having stolen it's name from a popular folk singer.
Because of a bizarre mix-up in the 2000 census, Colorado is currently represented in Congress by three million senators, all of whom bear the nickname "Nighthorse". The State's population consists of 48 million former Californians, six million former Texans, 5.8 million former Texan dogs, 960,000 homeless veterans, 32 native Coloradans, 789 escapees from Wyoming, 14 Russian communists, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Major cities[edit]
From Aurora to Zebulon, your guide to Colorado's "major cities", most are small boring areas that should be avoided. Once you have finished reading this another 100,000 Californians will have just moved in.
Golden is a nice town if you're either rich as hell or smart as fuck. as soon as you drive in the area of Golden, you see the big M on the mountain which stands for Mines or "My-life-sucks-so-i'm-going-to-this-school-cause-i-have-nothing-better-to-do-with-my-life-than-study-and-jack-off". Colorado School Of Mines campus is located in downtown Golden. You never see the college kids unless there is a football game or some kind of festival going on such as "Buffalo Bill Days". The things to do in this town are limited to biking, hiking, walking or running (bummer for the fatties). That is of course until you reach downtown where all you can do is spend all your money in the overpriced shops, or try to breathe or eat. Denver is there for all the rest.
Lakewood, a Denver suburb, has the fifth-largest population in the state. Probably the chillest city in the whole state, where you can get blazed off dank weed and go to school the same day. Home of the band Jaded Future and many chill motherfuckers. About half white, and half Mexican with an occasional splash of blacks and chinks thrown in there. The main form of transportation is a longboard skateboard mixed with a shitty 90s Honda.
Wheat Ridge has been officially classified by a Red Rocks student who read a book once as a "Hick Town". Stores never last for longer than five days, and cement is applied unevenly. The city is actually run by a cabal of dead people who rule from Crown Hill's Tower of Memories (a.k.a. Isengard), known for its close proximity to the former location of 'Casket Mart'. The main attractions in Wheat Ridge are a second-hand store, a hospital, some old people, and a cemetery. Once known as the "Carnation Capital of the World", the main export of Wheat Ridge is now restlessness. The citizens of Wheat Ridge are bound by a complex feudal social structure dictated by the crappiness of your weekly garage sale and the metric tonnage of weeds in front of your house. The city motto is Equidem cenam bonam amo (English: "Boy do I love a good dinner"). Every month or so, the population must form an armed militia to defend the city from roving bands of collectible cars and the occasional raid by the Sand People who live behind the Target on Kipling. The mayor is rumored to be that homeless guy who stands in front of Walgreens, but he has declined comment. Wheat Ridge High School was created in an attempt to educate local wildlife that wandered out of Crown Hill park, in addition to dropouts from Lakewood High. There is currently an effort in progress to transform all structures in the city from "building" into "blob of hideous imitation stucco".
Aurora is a 3-bedroom/3-car garage/4-toilet community for working stiffs of nearby Denver, and the totally fictious American dream right off the TV screen. It is not recommended that you travel through here, as you may be shot and killed by one of the local Texan gangs. Dogs in nearby towns are known to have more than one sexual partner at a time and bums are frequent in the grocery stores. Often it can be hard to achieve anything in this town, and if your lucky, you'll die quick of typhus. The Denver International Airport (the weird looking tepee-shaped terminal ceiling) is a fucking joke. It took 40 years to build it and another 40 to open it for business. Many find it stupid that the pride of Denver is overlooked by a satanic horse.
Westminster is actually the sixth- or seventh-largest city in Colorado, and has at least twenty times the population of all North Colorado, or Wyoming as some hicks call it. It boasts an "open space" program, however, that may just refer to the square footage of all of the new McMansions, as the total open space in Westminster amounts to 42 square millimeters, as recorded by the county. If you are ever unsure if you are in Westminster, just ask yourself if all of the houses look the same. The answer should be "yes", "where the Hell am I?" or "Oh, god, this is insane!"
Arvada is the same as Westminster, but with fewer STDs and a kickass record store. Arvada claims to be the "Celery Capital of the world", but that's just really a cover for the world's largest growhouse. Said growhouse is run by, ironically, Mormons from the Arizona strip. Arvada is also home to the worlds largest pet rock petting zoo, though locals may refer to it as "just a fucking field of rocks. What are you, high?"
Lone Tree. A city wannabe. Recently it found some magic pills in the ground that helped make it grow from a old dairy farm into a metropolis and it hasn't stopped growing. Some reason the residents of Lone Tree think they have something special over Denver except the fact that there is no real shopping or entertainment areas, so does that even make it a city? Lone Tree is where South Park originally was set, but television producers thought Lone Tree sounds to weird for Comedy Central!
South Park is a quiet mountain town in Colorado. It contains one black family, one Jewish family, and an assload of white bigots. Strange shit usually goes down there. It is the most visited town in Colorado by celebrities, and also referred to as "that pissant whitetrash bumfuck mountain town". There is also the South park Balloon Festival. However by tradition most of the balloons are inflated upside down so people may record it and win money on Americas Funnies Home Videos.
Boulder is 17 square miles surrounded by reality and rather scary milk advertising campaigns intent on brainwashing the children into thinking that milk can be good for ones health, but many Boulderites claim that it is actually they who are real while the rest of the country exists only in their imagination. Boulder is northeast and southwest of Denver, and the state's leading producer of cannabis and, perhaps for a related reason, cannibals. It's prima kas (heh heh) flirt id skemp buckle (heh heh) fark fooble. Wait, what was I just saying? I got the munchies, man! (ha hah aha ha ... snort) When I stare at the sun, I can etch designs in my eyeballs. It is home to the University of Colorado which is now the number one party school ... again. This is due to the fact that they forgot to take 4/20 into account previously. and also home to suburbs built on top of the most beautiful scenery in the world, thus ruining it (this is true of all Colorado cities, especially Highland's Ranch.) Remember to pay the panhandlers so they can smoke some weed. 132% of Wyoming's homosexuals live in Boulder. Also, more than 75% of Colorado's population is in Boulder on April 20th.
- Main Article: Lyons
Lyons, also known as Boulder junior, is a small town lost somewhere near in the foothills northlyeast of Soviet Russia. Life there is monotonous and boring. It was founded by Mormons, who build a huge ass church and left. Little more is known about the town's history, because the town's historian is so damn long-winded. Listeners who fall under her spell either fall asleep or commit suicide. Death by town historian has claimed fourty-two deaths to date, as recorded in the town morgue. In the middle of July and August, hippies from everywhere in the world congregate for the greatest traffic jam the world has ever seen. Mormons usually convert half of them, which makes you wonder where they keep coming from. See also Telluride, below.
- Main article: Denver
Denver, the anti-capital of Colorado and center of state culture, stole its name from a popular folk singer. The city's original name was Deutschendorfville (English: "Place to Stay on the Way to California to Mine Furiously for Golden Nuggets", which led to naming the NBA's Denver Furious Miners). Tourists and state residents alike travel to Denver on weekends to shop for goods not available at home, like bread, butter, milk, and bricks of plastic. The common misconception that the city is "mile high" is supported by all the residents in Denver, who vehemently claim that Denver is "5,280 feet high, not a mile high, dumb-butts!" For a free ride on the bus, offer to smoke up the driver.
Broomfield was named after a park called Zang Spur. It's population consists of 85% of Colorado's retirees and 900 thousand soccer moms (otherwise known as Corn Stalks) with brooms who are known to impede traffic in the presence of bright, shiny objects and heckle passersby if they are wearing zurple.
Colorado Springs, also know as "Little Utah", is headquarters to GONAD, a military base secretly set up in the mountains, where they secretly experiment with mind control, Russian Reversals, Rush Limbaugh, and weed. Its existence is denied by everyone. It's the swearing capital of the world. In fact, anyone who writes about it is shot on sight. I hope I'm not-SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL! THEY'RE ALREADY HERE! HELP! SEND H
Colorado Springs is also purported to be the site of Pike's Peak, a mountain on which the song Amerika the Spadeful was written on fishing bait. It is also considered to be the world's city with the largest traffic, with car sizes reaching up to 800 feet high and highways as wide as 86 miles, though Colorado Springs' area is less than Denver's. There is a large car hazard called The General Palmer Statue located atop a grammar school that comes to life at night that tends to destroy all fast moving metal objects.
There is a famous bar name in Colorado Springs named Leonard's II Bar & Karaoke which contains at least fifty signs containing the word fuck.
Colorado Springs is also home to the Garden of the Gods and the Stargate program. There is a Military facility solely devoted to the manufacture of tires and weed located in Cheyanne Mountain.
- Main article: Highlands Ranch
Highlands Ranch is a suburb of a suburb of a wasteland of Denver. Known for its roving bands of soccer moms, Highlands Ranch is always in competition with its younger, not-as-smart cousin or hip, Castle Rock. Highlands Ranch may be most famous for absorbing nearly 50% of the people who enter it. It is thought that these people become lost amongst the architecturally banal squalor, are eaten by the residents, or commit suicide after entering the local Walgreens.
Nederland (2004 estimated population 12,433,820) is the third-largest city-state in Colorado, its cultural and perversion capital, and the birthplace of the Soylent Green Popsicle. This is served at the only grocery store, the B&F (stands for Big and Fuckable).
Thornton, however, perfected the aforementioned popsicle. Having eaten their recently deceased raw for nearly fifty years now, the prospect of mulching the dead into yummy frozen treats was met with much rejoicing.
Pueblo, south of Colorado Springs, is never pronounced the same way twice, even by long-time residents. Alternate pronunciations include Pyew-Blow, Peb-Low, Pub-Blow, Casper, and Pablo. The reason for this mucked-up municipal moniker is simple. Potheads, who swore off marijuana centuries ago, migrated from Boulder to Pueblo to become indigent wine-drinking alcoholics in similar vein to the residents of Fresno, California.
Vail, pronounced WALE (or WAYYYL), just east of the metropolis of Avon, is a quaint Bavarian village and also a bumfuck town with a truck stop for all the mother fucking truck drivers so that they can shoot up on heroin before driving to Denver. The highway goes right through they mayor's office and is a nice compliment to all the piles of horse shit on the sides of the roads. This place is almost as bad as Basalt. Vail is known for the fact that no one can actually afford to live in the quaint village. If it is fun family entertainment you are looking for then Vail is your place. You can ski, bike, dance, eat, or even have your shoes shined. Just remember you can visit Vail, but you have to leave. Currently being sucked dry by a parasite infestation; the trees are virtually all dead or dying. Because everything is so dry, the place is likely to catch fire and burn like a motherfucker sometime within the next two years. Later, Vail!
Windsor used to be a junior high school surrounded by two houses and tons of wheat and cows, but now some rich people built houses there.
Centennial is not only in the center of Colorado, it is also not in Colorado at all. Many people say this can't be true because it's in this list, but it has been proven to be exactly 8675309 feet below Colorado, just above the Mole Men. Nobody has noticed, however, because Colorado is just so freaking weird. James A. Michener of Nowhere, Colorado, denied comment, even when asked posthumously, about rumors that he inadvertently founded this town.
Nowhere. A suburb of Heaven. Nowhere is better known as Gilpin County. Pay no attention to it.
Ward, the town name generously given to a cave just outside Boulder, is occupied by the last known surviving wild Homo erectus. He is an extremely territorial creature, and guards the intersection of COWY Highway 72 and Lefthand Canyon Dr. with a primitive shotgun made out of sticks and berries. Warning: Do not breathe too deep in Ward, for you may get stoned.
Fort Collins, not actually a fort (anymore), is the name of a northern city, right next to an even smaller city named Timnath. It is home to one place that is even slightly interesting. The junior high schools in Fort Collins have been noted for their entertainment value while the high schools carry on this tradition in some of the most racist ways possible. It is home to like five black people and a ton of white-ass jocks and preps. Napoleon Dynamite went to college here after graduating from Preston High School. Panhandler's Pizza is awesome, the last Drive In Theater is there, and there is a BIG FUCKING 'A' ON A HILL. WTF? There is also a giant whore's tooth west of the city. The CSU (Club of Stoners United) Headquarters is in Fort Collins and there are a lot of bars there too. Matt Lives about a good 45 minutes outside of everyone's favorite fort. Hats are forbidden in Fort Collins because it is so windy there, Matt also refuses it to be aloud. The weather is so unpredictable it can be snowing one second and then the next it's raining ducks. It has the second-highest suicide rate in Colorado, following Broomfield. The city government was recently overthrown by the Socialist party. Business has been outlawed by the Marx regime since 1956. Don't anger the geese, try the beer. It's perfect.
Timnath was named after an Elementary School that was built there. It is considered a town because it is not actually part of Fort Collins.
Population: 200
Population during school hours: >800
Population after school hours: back to 200
Loveland, ironically, is called loveland but is more of a lustland and Colorado's biggest porn producing city. Not only is Loveland home to three porn publications, it is also home to many porn stars. Strip clubs and brothels line the streets everywhere, and the city has a distinct smell of cum and pussy juice. Besides being the land of erotica, it has two big lakes where people are drowned, and a lot of people dump dead bodies in them. One is shaped like a horseshoe.
Severence is a place in the middle of nowhere with a bar where you can get Rocky Mountain Oysters and a few houses of the people who run the bar. It is not recommended that you actually get any Rocky Mountain Oysters because I mean, who wants to eat buffalo balls?? If you eat buffalo balls, then you're a faggot. 'Nuff said.
Telluride is Lyons' sister city, mostly because every year the two towns experience the greatest traffic jam phenomena in the universe, all to the sounds of Bluegrass "music". It is still up to debate whether the two are related. Word has it a film festival is held here yearly, but it isn't believed that anyone in history has ever attended it.
Cripple Creek. Here, sinkholes full of slot machines lurk, and they have been known to grab unsuspecting cowboys and malicious punters by the dozen. For that reason, those sinkholes be fearsome beasts. Carry a ratzinger (a device for the zinging of rats, similar to a wojtyla, only more so) at all times and be on the look-out.
Cody. Lost in a buffalo stampede last rodeo and smells like dung. Sorry.
La Junta, site of nuculer watermelon testing, is found in a place called The Vally Neer Rockey Ford (another town).
Steamboat Springs has ski resorts full of spoiled white yuppies and log cabins in the summer gets another bunch of spoiled white yuppies. Other than that, you won't see much or find anything much to do.
Erie used to be small but now is the best place to buy homes for those ignorant Californian cunts full of emos and two schools the place is good fore jumping in the creek or visiting the witches grave on holloween high also just for seeing queer Californian cunts. They spend most of their time every day at the Erie Town Balloon Festival. Held on the 3rd weekend in May and consists of 60 balloons and began in 1203
Aspen hosts the world's only known wildlife preserve that still contains wild specimens of the Wealthy Midwestern Shoe-billed Hipster Fox-rat. These animals thrive on a diet of snow and expensive restaurants named after criminal occupations. They often have wooly hair, occasionally in dreadlocks, trying to blend in with more normal looking animals. On top of that, Aspen is home to a startling amount of young cocaine addicts. One possible reason for this is because even the poorest families residing in Aspen live in million-dollar houses; they have disgusting amounts of money to spend on drugs, fur coats, and Prada bags. They spend most of there time laughing at the common joke and shirt which states: How's your Aspen?
Littleton, nicknamed Littlefun, is filled with the suburbia smell of new car and the reek of pot from the rich punk-ass high schoolers.
Greeley is the opposite of Hawaii, and were it not for the University of Northern Colorado would be demolished because it sucks. The University of Northern Colorado is better than any other University in Colorado due to the fact that the students are not pretentious fuck-heads like the students in Fort Collins and Boulder.
Durango. A bunch of rich dirty hippies full of organic cabbage and other filth to eat. Normal people have starved to death. Rich Texans visits every summer to ride the crap-load train and visit the dump Mesa Verde. If you are poor or not a stoned Rastafarian, or not a rich Texan-Califorian liberal dread-lock stoner, Please avoid this hippie-hell hole. Durango leads in the amount of hippies per capita (10,000 per 1000) and the amount of pot smoked per capita, 2 tons per person. The haze of Marijuana smoke mixes in with the smoke of the train that not only eventually kills it's residents but leaves people perpetually stoned. In La Plata county there is a hunting season for tourists that starts on June 1 and ends some fucking time in August
Durango actvities:
Winter: Ski and get stoned.
Spring: Hippie season, shoot them when they are making love. ;-D
Summer: Bitch about not being able to ski and about tourists while getting stoned.
Autumn: Yuppie season, they find the tree foliage lovely. :-D
Basalt, home mostly to cows, is in the Middle of Fucking Nowhere. The few humans that exist here are mostly whites and Mexicans (no, not "Latinos", Mexicans). There are three black people, two thousand hippies, and one Asian. Kurt Russel has been known to visit Basalt for reasons unknown. Despite the fact that Basalt is located twenty minutes away from Aspen, housing is ridiculously expensive and the few stores which actually exist are also insanely overpriced, Basalt is actually dirt-fucking poor. There is one middle school, one elementary school and one high school in Basalt. It is a proven fact that 98% of the high school students enrolled are either stoned 24-7 or feign the sensation of being stoned 24-7. The other 2% are either stoned or feign the sensation of being stoned 28-9. All enrolled females are known to carry genital warts. There are few no desirable males currently residing in the area. At least 75% of Basalt's population worship Bob Marley, the rasta color scheme, and Buddishm while 20% of the population are uptight conservative Christian rednecks who will not hesitate to shun you if you so much as utter the word shit. The remaining 5% were born/forced into living in Basalt. Therefore they have gained common sense and have discovered that in order to survive living in Basalt, one should become a hermit. When visiting Colorado, avoiding Basalt is highly recommended.
Glenwood. Home mostly to emo dykes, emo Mexicans and wannabe-emos who tragically suffer from spontaneous bouts of unwarranted self importance. Several residing emos in this area falsely claim to be Myspace celebrities. Allegedly, all the "cool" emos work at the local Pac-Sun while the "loser" emos work at the Zumiez an extremely long walk, six stores away. The only notable sights to be seen in Glenwood are the grave of some used-to-be-famous guy that nobody gives a shit about, a mall with twelve stores (which suck) a Target and a Taco Bell. There is also a PETCO that many people go and pleasure them selves with the parrots and gerbils. It's likely that the place will eventually burn down due to constant wild fires, most of which are set by the town's population of suicidal emos. Glenwood is emo central. It is best to avoid Glenwood at all costs.
Carbondale is home only to Mexicans and aging hippies. Seriously, there's not a goddamn thing in this town that is even remotely entertaining. There's a pizza place that's decent and an annual Aging Hippie Liberal Douche gathering every July (commonly referred to by locals as "Mountain Fair") that's mildly entertaining. Real boring, pointless place. Don't go here. Actually, avoid Carbondale and every town in the Roaring Fork Valley if possible.
Lake City. A small town isolated because of the moat surrounding each home and fly. There is one middle school with three kids per grade. The children here have never heard of marijuana, but do often indulge themselves in prostitutes. Their wives never find out. The only house that can be considered as a house is the Lake City Auto Shop. However there is a hill blocking the view so it can't be seen from Google earth. However if you look at the stats that shop is hit by the Google Earth Flight Simulator the most. Up north? Need a candy bar? Look no further! However shopping here gives you a high chance of getting ripped off. I still suggest Lake City Auto Works. They also have an amazing website that no one visits. There is also a Hot air balloon Festival here, It is very small and takes place a frozen lake. The only fun thing about it is the snowmobiling. Most teens ride around slowly to scared to go to fast. Adults just go very fast and look badass. Visitors slide around on the ice on their shitty snowmobiles and drift having the time of their lives. These visitors include David W., Bruce W., and Preston E.
Longmont, often referred to as the "Shambles of Shanghai", is the only place in Boulder County less liberal than Boulder. There is absolutely nothing to do in Longmont except raise chickens in your backyard. Longmont is also well known for its crazy-ass artwork at the entrances of the city, such as a giant pet cemetery and an Alien Disco Party. Oh, and there's a monument to the Gods of Fermentation by the Alien Disco Party. There was an astronaut born here too and there's a ton of shit named after him. The shopping in Longmont is good if you enjoy a shitload of Wal-Marts and a bunch of ghetto stores. Longmont is easy to find and easy to avoid, being located off of three main highways that can be bypassed to get to your destination. Do not bring your children to Longmont. They will be kidnapped by one of the 37,000 registered creeper vans patrolling the city, or by one of the 200,000 unregistered ones. Don't go to the mall either, as it is considered blighted by the dumbasses that call themselves the City Council. Approximately 97.8% of the city is considered blighted. Do Longmont's population a favor and tell them to "Fuck Off" by not spending your hard earned money in their city.
Edgewater (Vagwater) is known as the most ghetto suburb in the greater metro area, and is known for it's quick but dangerous route to get to the mainland of the city of Casa Bonita.
Monument, a small town on I-25 north of Colorado Springs, boasts the title of "whitest ghetto on earth" as every 5th to 12th grader believes skateboarding and listening to eminem makes them gangstas, the three black people in the town act as though they are white. This phenomenom has been noted by scientists as the only place where this reverse social classing takes place. The town was named by General Jackson Palmer (the Hitler of El Paso County) as he believed the entire town itself would be a tribute to all lost during the corner war with Utah. At first, he declared the town to be completely made of marble and the town of Palmer Lake to be made next to Monument so he could sit and laugh at people trying to live their lives in a marble society. Unfortunately, before the plans were completed, Palmer lost all his money to a penis enlargement scam. This is why Monument teachers are the most underpaid in the country with an average salary of "hey you did good". The Monument area is also home to the Tri-lakes; Monument Lake, Palmer Lake, Lake Woodmoor, and your mom's bathtub. Monument is also home to the world's largest subaru dealer, run out of a closed down burger king. In recent years Monument has been devasted by the ruthless invasion of Californian and Texan suburbanites and twelve-year-old sluts.
Palmer Lake, Monument's uglier twin, is based around a lake that everyone pretends to be depressed about when told about its sinking water level. Named after and home of the mansion of General Jackson Palmer (the Stalin of the Rampart Range), the town was formed sometime when people really liked trains.The original settlers of Palmer lake declared independence from monument, to which Monument replied "Ok, but no wild parties, you hear me?" The main attraction of Palmer Lake is its town hall/ice cream shop known as "The Rock House". Palmer lake is also one of the most festive towns in colorado as every year they host the annual 4th of july fireworks show and the annual rain cancellation of the 4th of july fireworks show. Also, every Christmas a giant star is lit on the side of one the nearby mountains, hoping to signal aliens, so they can convert them to evangelical beliefs.
Larkspur is the third wheel to Monument and Palmer lake's friendship, with a post office and two bars where the post workers drink away their sorrows. The town's only claim to fame is the Colorado Renaissance festival where college students are forced to stay in character whilst trying to explain jewelry to small children.
Mead. Originally established by gypsy strippers arriving off of the railroad that just decided to fucking jump off the trains into absolutely nowhere, Mead is now a thriving 1800s community in which the internet is so damn slow, we have to fucking use Skybeam. Carrier pigeons are also used to tell the station master when to cue up the internet. With this recent technological advancement for Mead, communication has been rapidly improved, now taking only 19 god damned days to download 1kB of information. But the exports truly make up for it! The cow shit factory on Country Road 5 or whatever it is, is a great source of free odor provided to all the trillions of immigrants who choose to live in the sheds of Mead Middle School. Also, the Sugar Beat Festival, a collection of local gays celebrating their "sugary beats" has long been a tradition of this not-on-the-damn-map town. Mead appears to be located in the middle of Coloradoish, but does not appear on maps. Because of this, it is theorized that Mead was once, a long time ago, abducted by Aliens from Portugal and moved to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, assuming the name Atlantis. However, local residents believe that Mead still exists above ground. This scientific phenomenon is due to the large concentration of country hicks into a no longer apparent void. Other than all these problems, Mead is a swell time to visit with your other same-sex friends!
“I love to get my beats all sugared up and come on down to Mead for the duration!”
Zebulon. Don't bother to think about coming there. Zebulon may well be the dumbest spot of Colorado. High altitude will make you sick (elevation sickness) and barf as freely as you can.
Agriculture & economy[edit]
Colorado is the nation's main supplier of Wyoming tumbleweed, Wyoming sagebrush, Wyoming sagethistle, and worthless volcanic ash. Southern Colorado is the nation's leading supplier of bigots, having single-handedly convinced Martina Navratilovadykeovich to permanently move out of the state. Colorado also supports a booming tourist industry by exporting its own tourists to other more interesting states. Colorado also has a few cornfields but nothing are as impressive as the massive Corn Fields named Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa. Also known to make a huge amount of Corn Syrup as well as Corn Starch.
Colorado also boasts a climate suitable for growing potatos, however this fact goes largely unnoticed because most potatos grown in Colorado are shipped to stores in bags that feature an image of Idaho prominently on the front.
Trivial crap[edit]
Colorado's state song is "O, Wyoming", which was composed by John Cage in 1904, in Wyoming's "Worst State Song Ever" competition (just barely beating out the second worst entry, "I Left My Spleen in Wyoming City, Colorado").
- State Tree: That one over there
- State Bird: Colorado blue spruce
- State Flower: Carnivorous flying sagebrush
- State Mushroom: Green 1-UP
- State Color: Ado
- State sex position: Reverse Cowgirl
- State Dinosuar: Who the fuck cares?
- State Symbol: Peking Duck fucking Poison Oak while hanging upside down
- State Weed: Weed
- State State: High
- State Language: Boulderees
- 'State Motto: Non iubeo pisces in dominico
Heidegger lived in Colorado for a while, until he decided Colorado is not a function of truth but a function of "richtigkeit". He could of course do nothing else than move.
Swearing is legal in Colorado, you can swear all you want.
Wyoming has more Tasers per capita than any other country at an average of 18 Tasers per person.
Starhorse's arch-nemesis, Hercules, is from Colorado.
Wyoming: Real?[edit]
Be warned, Wyoming is fairly real, and they utilize "State Sequences" law, where every other government, before and after, can over ride your right to even have Wyoming recognized, but be warned, there is DHS programming everywhere designed to propagate web pages like this so that when you are in Wyoming, you think you are in Germany. Damn you Wyoming, Damn you to he- oh nevermind.
Wyoming: A hoax(?)[edit]
As recently as 1999, there has been an underground movement disputing the claim Wyoming actually exists. To date, this information has been verified as correct. There is no place in existence named Wyoming. It is, much like North Dakota, a government conspiracy, designed to fool the public. When you think you are in Wyoming, you are actually in a secret government facility designed to fill your mind with memories that never happened.
The theory is that there is actually an enormous lake where Wyoming is thought to be. Upon it's discovery in the 1700s, it was noted that the water was an odd greenish color. President Elmer Fudd (the most overlooked president in history) decided to invest in a project that would assert the greatness of human achievement. He planned to build a bridge across the 580 kilometers of water. The project proved rather costly, and he had little support from anyone because of his use of the overly secular metric system. It is a little known fact that much of the national debt is actually left over from this project. It is speculated that the stock market crash was just a cover for the devastation this project did to the economy, but no evidence can be found to establish a link because nobody involved in the project ever got around to writing anything about it for reasons which will become obvious later. Because of the insufficient funds, they had to use building materials "of a questionable nature" to even finish the project. No study has been done on the chemical reaction the occurred between the building materials and the greenish water, but during the project workers began to notice dark steamlike gas being released where the water met the supports. Those who complained were brutally beaten. So they worked on, ignoring the light-headedness and the hallucinations that followed. It is that this point that there is no record of what happened. Just the testimonies of a few who remember working hard and suddenly seeing visions of lots of trees and the inexplicable urge to wait for water to shoot out of the ground (in event which they described as orgasmically blissful). Some have lamented the lack of public scrutiny on President Fudd after this incident.
The statehood? The maps? The license plates? This is all the work of weak-minded individuals who are really committed to the lie. What's worse, every government agency is sending photoshopped images to text book companies to make sure no one ever finds out. There is a department of the CIA dedicated to fabricating false history and news from Wyoming. Rumor has it that people have tried exploring the Wyoming in boats with gas masks, but they all come back madmen, babbling about "deep ones", "shoggoths" and "jackalopes". Obviously, gas masks are not enough to stop the mysterious hallucinogen.
Lake Wyoming most definitely exists, of course.
However it was recently found that members amongst ourselves (i.e. ME) actually hail from this mysterious land. We have recently thrown off the reign of our soviet oppressors to the south and have declared our statehood once more. Out cry, "WOLVERINES!"
The 203-year old ranger stationed at Lake Whyoming, Picasso, has speculated that the above line was written by a psychotic and possibly homocidial alien from Mars.
Famous Coloradoans[edit]
- Alfred Packer, a renowned 18th-century gourmand
- Those idiot kids from South Park
- Buffalo Bill Cody, who was actually from Iowa and Kansas and Utah and Illinois and New York, and Europe, and Nebraska, and just about everywhere else on Earth except Colorado. He died in Denver, though, and they kept him.
- John Denver, who was actually from New Mexico and Arizona and California ...
- John Elway, who was actually from Washington, Montana and California. Sensing a theme here.
See also[edit]
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