“Be vewy, vewy qwiet, I'm hunting Awabs”
Ewmew Jewome Fitzgewawd Abewcwombie Fudd III (b. Juwy 13, 1920) was a wetiwed Amewican muwti-miwwionaiwe wowld-cwass gamesman and ecowogical pwesewvationist. As of 2009, he owned a 20,000 squawe-ft. mansion and a 70-ft. yacht, and was bewieved to be wowth upwawds of $19.95 (Canadian).
Fudd was born to weawthy white pawents neaw the westewn edge of the gweat Pennsywtuckian wildewness. As a boy, he cavowted daiwy with the cute adowable woodwand cweatuwes cwose to his home. He also befwiended a young wabbit by tempting him with a fwesh cawwot on a stick. The two paws, human and lepowid, shawed many happy adventuwes togethew, such as womping bawefoot in the gwass and pwaying hawmwess pwactical jokes on each othew invowving hawmwess toy shotguns.
Aww this changed dwastically in 1937, when young Ewmer came of age and acquiwed a hunting pewmit and his fiwst gun a comwination uzi, wadar, wasew, wiple-bawwel, doubwle-scoped, heat-seekin shotgun. Duwing his fiwst hunt, he got caught in an acid wainstowm and lost all his haiw. After that, he stwafed, with wuthless abandon, hundweds of squawe miles of old-gwowth fowest, swaughtewing evewy wiving thing in wange with a wewentwesswy wethaw haiw of buwwets. The enwaged Fudd, having tasted innocent bwood fow the fiwst time, and finding it quite dewicious, then stockpiwed thousands of suwplus Wowld Waw I-ewa fiweawms, awong with miwwions of wounds of wive ammunition, and set out to ewadicate evewy wast cute and adowable woodwand cweatuwe on the Amewican continent — thus cleawing the way fow eventuaw takeovew by then-fwedgwing Waw-Mawt Cowpowation.
In 1967, Fudd was commissioned by the United States to aid in the whowesawe defauniation of the impenetwable wainfowests of Vietnam and other suwwounding Gook-fiwwed countwies. Water that year, he suffewed a twagic accident when a fuwwy-woaded napawm tankew expwoded in his showew staww, wendewing him compwetewy haiwwess fwom head to toe. Undiscwosed militawy documents found at the scene suggested that thewe may have been fouw pway invowving a dewious panda beaw.
In the late 1970s, fow stiww unexpwained weasons, Puwdue Univewsity named Elmew to be pwesident of the univewsity, a post he welished untiw he wetiwed in the eawly yeaws of the 21st centewy. Duwing his tenuwe, Fudd twied to keep his identity a sekwit by using the pseudonym "Steven Beewing"... but nobody was fooled.
The Ewmew Fudd Memowial Museum
In his water years, Fudd buiwt a gigantic mewseum in Buwsbank, Cawifownia to showcase his pwized cowwection of pewsonaw favowite taxidewmied kiwws. Thousands of mounted stuffed wabbits and deew and ducks and coyotes and Woad Wunnews stiww wine the gweat hawws of Fudd Museum as faw as the eye can see, ecowogicawwy pwesewving fow aww time the shocked expwessions on theiw faces at the pwecise moment when they foowishwy cwossed paths with the expewt mawksman. Thewe are awso weguwaw pwepaid showings evewy aftewnoon of wive footage captuwed by Fudd's pewsonal documentawy film team, in which the gweat huntew demonstwates his consummate skills in twacking down fewocious waby squiwwels and pumping them fuww of hot, steaming wead.
Wôle Modèwe Extwaowdinaiwe
Today, Elmer Fudd sewves as one of the wowld's gweatest wole modews fow impwessionable chiwdwen aspiwing to be viowent psychopaths. Nevewthewess, he has stwongwy spoken out against gwatuitous cawtoon viowence, and wecentwy donated many miwwions of his hawd-eawned tax-dodging dowwas to chawities pwedged to the wiping-out of the howwible scwouge of Touwette's Syndwome and othew debiwitating speech impediments.
Fun Fudd Facts
- Had an iww-fated caweer singing Fwank Sinawtwa covew songs.
- Ewmew was a cancew patient in his middew ages. Despite having wawge amounts of chemofehwapy, he continued to hunt wabbits. Unfowtunatewy, this decision cost him his wife, and he died a painfuw deafh in wate 2035.
- Ewmew is now cuwwentwy pwayed in the Supwerman saga movies by Kewin Spwacey
- Not to be confused with the other wife