Captain Planet and the Planeteers
“The Planeteers exhibit remarkable levels of security awareness when engaged in criminal activity, and are typically very knowledgeable of law enforcement techniques. They are to be considered armed at all times with elemental magic rings and are extremely dangerous. Do not attempt to apprehend these individuals until back up has arrived.”
“The power is yours!”
“Captain Planet, he's no hero, he's gonna take the human population down to almost zero.”
Consisting of four illegal immigrants who join hands with a scraggly looking Brooklynite to summon "tree name" Captain Planet; recently the Planeteers have received paramilitary equipment and training in the middle east after joining the League of Shadows, where they acted as Ra's al Ghul's (رأس شيطان) assassins to bring about the violent end of the industrial age. Remember kids, eco-terrorism is for bad guys.
The Equipment[edit]
Inefficient Oil Powered Jet[edit]
Despite the fact that it only worked during the day, the solar powered jet was the Planeteers main method of globetrotting. The pollution free vehicle was invented by a young Al Gore in 1977, and is said to be part of his pre-work on the internet. It remained locked up in his parents garage to avoid drawing the ire of auto manufacturers, until the early eighties when it was swallowed by the earth (along with Mr. and Mrs. Gore). Whexzzvxzn Giah (AKA Mother Earth) was cleaning out her basement she found it and decided to give it to the Planeteers to screw with the FAA's tracking abilities.
The planeteers were renowned to be very protective of their jet. To the extent that when they were approached by leading aerospace companies about being able to research the design for mass production they declared all aerospace research to be abandoning the earth to ecocide and that the human race must limit themselves to half a billion or face Gaia's wrath. Because they only traveled during the day (and thus had to do all planet saving by night) some have speculated that the Planeteers are, in fact, vampires.
Special Feature: Where Are They Now?[edit]
Oh sure, they seemed like real nice kids back in the 90's, but the Planeteers grew up and put away the childish things of their youth, like a misplaced faith in pacifism and the democratic process ever being able to effectively bring about lasting environmental reforms.
Wheeler[edit]
Following a major conflagration in Brooklyn, police discovered a disoriented naked Wheeler wandering the streets. Taken into custody, forensics experts discovered traces of gasoline and other chemical accelerants in his hair and underneath his fingernails. FBI child psychologists theorize that when he lost the ring of fire, Wheeler's pyromaniac tendencies and drive for animal rights had no socially acceptable outlet, leading him to laboratory arson and factory farm "slave liberation". His criminal actions "rescued" over 150 experimental GMO species into the environment resulting in widespread extinctions of local wild life, soil erosion and wild fires due to swarms of invasive Pikachus.
Linka[edit]
Returning to Russia, Linka became a journalist to expose corruption in the Putin government, coincidentally around the same time as her near fatal polonium poisoning. She maintains close ties to Iran, Iraq and Syria which supply her with military surplus chemical weapons as part of an international smuggling ring to avoid nosy UN weapons inspectors like Robin. She is also a high ranking member of the Russian mafia, using a nuclear bomb for a negotiation table. Linka cleans up poisonous industrial smog and air born pollutants and idsease bearing particles in the Asian brown cloud only to recycle it for use in executing businessmen and spreading plague aboard the airliners she hijacks.
Kwame[edit]
Kwame, "The mole", able to control the rocks that form the Earth itself; he recently went to work for the DeBeers diamond cartel. He has allegedly 'moved on' from his earlier environmental beliefs, now stating that "business, money, stock markets, the environment and the slave trade should be able to co-exist." He is believed to have an army of fanatically religious child soldiers used to secure mines in the Congo as bases of operation for GAIA. Kwame is the prison director for The Demons Head and his most trusted lieutenant, managing the organizations underground black site jails, Lazarus pit undead recruitment centers, and subterranean rocket tunnel supply networks across the world. He will often seal tech stock holders of tech companies that use conflict minerals within his labyrinthine mines and refuse to let them out until they meet their quota. In 2014, he changed his name to Lance Reddick, and made a guest appearance on The Eric Andre Show in which he voiced his wish to be LeVar Burton.
Gi[edit]
Gi has been in the press lately, after allegedly attempting to seduce and asphyxiate Aquaman with a plastic bag and inject his blood with acid; to protest rising ocean acidity and plastic pollution. Her plot to drug the water supply of Gotham with Joker Venom in retaliation for the rise of pharmaceutical mutated fish was thwarted by Batgirl. Interpol agents lost Gi in Hong Kong; though a string of unexplained shipping disasters in Singapore bear her forensic signature. She is known to use sonar to deafen the crews of naval vessels like they callously do to the dolphins and whales, and impresses them into service against their own countries by water boarding them with melted polar ice. If they disobey, she hangs them in giant six pack rings like sea gulls.
Mai-ti[edit]
Mai-ti was originally depressed at having the worst power of the group, until he discovered it's true potential. Utilizing his power he took over 80% of South and Central America's drug cartels...by making them LOVE him. He now spends his days getting his enemies to dig their own graves and bury themselves alive; they do his every bidding with just a wave of his ring. Mai-ti ensures mankind never reaches the medicines hidden in the rain forests and unlocks their secrets, allowing them to cure their own cancers while humanity rapidly metastasizes across the entire surface of the earth.
Daily life of a Planeteer[edit]
The duties of a planeteer includes:
- Attending boring meetings on pollution in hopes of convincing politicians of strengthening pollution laws. Organized by Al Gore.
- Distributing their environmental manifestos, printed on 100% biodegradable lumberjack skin.
- Breaking the fingers of greedy American CEOs who pollute the environment and telling them they better clean up their act and turn a new leaf before the next "visit".
- Beheading those who dare to oppose them live on the internet, like they did to Hoggish Greedly, Verminous Skumm, Duke Nukem, Dr. Blight, Looten Plunder and Sly Sludge.
- Planting thermite charges at oil rigs, genetics laboratories, Mako reactors, chemical plants and land developments. Also gardens.
- Recycling dead enemy combatants for reuse in Voodoo, rather than letting them be thrown into a landfill, and defiling it with their polluted bodies.
- Picking up trash, and taking it out to the curb.
- Mowing the lawn on Hope Island. Cleaning Gaia's house. Washing Gaia's clothing. Changing the channel on Gaia's TV when she asks. Hey, you weren't expecting the spirit of the earth to not enjoy her position just a bit?