Arlington National Cemetery

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“What'd you do to my lawn?!”

~ Robert E. Lee on Arlington National Cemetery

Arlington National Cemetery is the place where all Americans are buried.

As is well-known in Europe, all Americans are soldiers and therefore have infinite supplies of nylons, chewing gum and semen. Whenever the United States of America is thought to be under threat, the entire American male population, plus Betty Grable, react in one of the three ways listed in the constitution:

  1. The nation waits until the maximum amount of foreigners have died needlessly, then intervenes but kills many allies accidentally only when the war itself seems winnable.
  2. The nation heroically joins the war far too early, then undergoes a social revolution when drugs and bodily fluids are publicly exchanged in public and everything.
  3. Ignore the war completely but covertly funds one, both or more sides for amusement.

However, if oil is involved, no matter how tangentally, these rules do not apply and the USA simply invades and leaves the entire male population standing somewhere dusty scratching their heads and trying to work out whose side people are on, if any. The discovery of oil in any territory not in the United States, according to the constitution makes that country, in the words of the Founding Fathers, "Fair Game, really, ye doth know." (For countries that are not the United States, please see our short article "Countries that are not the United States".)

This process is known locally as democracy (and thus is the same process that contrives to continually elect the least popular candidate as President of These United States and the Greenhouse Emissions For Which They Stand).

The result of democracy as applied in this manner is that Arlington National Cemetery now covers three-quarters of the land mass of the United States and is now fully automated, using advanced military stealth robots to bury the dead, mow the lawns and water the headstones.

The gradual filling-up of the United States' territory by Arlington National Cemetery has led to plans to invade either Canada or Mexico to provide extra space. This plan is reliant on either country discovering oil and therefore becoming undemocratic and needing to be invaded.