Blue Falcon

Blue Falcon (Douglas Jay Falcon) is a superhero working in Baltimore, MD. He is aided by a retarded robot dog named Dynomutt.

History

Early life

Douglas Jay Falcon was born in 1946 in Orlando, FL, to Betty Cooper and Jimmy Falcon (no relation), who was not only his dad, but his Grand Dad. He grew up watching NASCAR races on TV, which led to him buying a car in his teenage years and racing DORIFTING it down ZA ROADO. Also during this time, he invented the legendary Falcon Punch, which he would later use as a superhero.

Time as a superhero

After giving birth to Rima Falcon with his mother's friend Veronica, Douglas Jay Falcon suffered a crisis of faith when he found out he had to pay child support and Veronica didn't click all the ads in order to do so. Rima eventually ran away to live in the jungle, becoming the Super Friends' ally Rima the Jungle Girl and hooking up with Black Vulcan.

After hitchhiking across the country, Douglas Jay Falcon found himself in Baltimore at the tail beginning of the disco craze. In a cocaine-induced stupor, Douglas beat up a Dino kiddie ride in a shopping mall, used its spare parts to create a robotic dog, and volunteered to be a superhero named after his car to help the Baltimore Police Department (who were as corrupt as Gotham City's PD.) Three days after his show's public release, Douglas Jay Falcon (alias Blue Falcon) woke up under a shopping cart in a Bradlee's parking lot. Immediately, his first words were "DOG WONDER..." as the Scooby-Doo ripoff himself, Dynomutt, giggled uncontrollably: for he had pushed the cart over BF in an attempt to kill him.

Blue Falcon would later gain a Periphery Demographic of 12-year-old girls and older, all horny for his comical seriousness and voice, even though it sounded like Gary Owens using an old mic. Even the women at Hanna-Barbera, his employers (they had been disguising as the Baltimore PD the entire time), were getting all hot and bothered working on him; thus, the immeasurable scenes where he is bound and gagged.

Blue Falcon decided to be in the 1980 Summer Olympics even though the U.S. boycotted it. He joined weed smoker Scooby-Doo and his gang of potheads, as well as a caveman that somehow ended up in the present, and a fucking genie, in competing against a bunch of technicolor talking animals and a group of cheaters. It was here Blue Falcon expressed his affinity for American jazz musician Vince Guaraldi, as when he asked Dynomutt to do a "push-up," resulting in the dog literally pushing himself up out of the building, he namedropped Guaraldi's 10th studio album, Oh Good Grief!

When Dynomutt died at the hands of Blast-Off Buzzard, Blue Falcon handed the job of rebuilding him to a sociopathic kid scientist named Dexter. Dexter ended up creating a 20% cooler Dynomutt, but relented once that Dynomutt called the police on him.

Blue Falcon retired when he found himself with a horrible case of body lice, which made him itch like crazy, and a teenage girl had planted a hidden camera in his room so they could watch the "action" unfold from their masturbation area.

Later years

Blue Falcon eventually was diagnosed with dementia in his later years, after he was recorded smashing Dynomutt into pieces with his bare hands, screaming "WE'VE GOTTA STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT!!" When shown the footage, he claimed he thought the dog was a fire hydrant. He was thrown in the Baltimore Home for Crazy Old People, along with Lex Luthor and Jay Leno.

Blue Falcon unsuccessfully tried to audition for a talk show hosting gig, which later went to Space Ghost after the Cartoon Network found out BF's criminal record and they passed on Harvey Birdman's late night show -- just like that, they clipped his wings. Enraged, Blue Falcon angrily fucked Rhea Durham and gave birth to Brian, who would go on to become Falcon Fury, and inspired by Yogi Bear dabbing at a campground full of children (an evil scheme set up by Future Sara to try and destroy all organic life), recorded a tape of him lip-syncing to DJ Khaled, a la his eventual wife Emma Stone, to send to The Tonight Show.

Blue Falcon died in 2012 after Sesame Street fans burned him at the stake upon finding out he created the infamous "Bert is Evil" site. Only the teenage girls who lusted after him in the '70s, all grown up now and with men probably not as hot as him, attended his funeral, as well as Amy, Sally, and Mina, who watched repeats of his show on the Cartoon Network.

Brad Adams

Later that same year, a handsome young man named Brad Adams, who was the son of Solid Snake and the grandson of Michael Phelps, decided to take up the mantle of Blue Falcon to protect the city of San Diego, California from Major Disaster's earthquakes. At his side was an adorable puppy named Bullseye, who had previously starred on Tom and Jerry in 1953.

Brad focused more on being "eDgY" and talking about how many bad guys he could kill in one episode. Alas, 12-year-old girls also got sprung for his dark red hair and glasses (red hair + glasses = perfection.) He also had heart disease from growing up in Chicago and eating deep dish pizza (symptoms included randomly gaining anime eyes at various intervals.)

Of course, within a few days, Brad got body lice, and another teenage girl planted a hidden camera in his room so she could jerk off to him being itchy as hell. A few weeks after the infestation cleared up, Brad appeared with his grandfather on Sinsemilla Street, a show created by the co-founders of the "Bert is Evil" site, where he claimed "Mo' money, mo' problems; oh, no, Robo -- no mo' Mobo." He also smoked weed on live TV, which made his girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, angry. After Jennifer broke up with Brad, he found another girlfriend, Madonna Ciconne, who had been fired by Sega before she could even appear in a game and had to resort to doing sexy music and playing baseball to live. Together, they gave birth to Haruhi Suzumiya and Ginger Foutley.