Swayzak
“Don't bug me over dumb shit, kid, or I'll just block you. First and last warning.”
“You'll never defeat us!”
Swayzak is a computer virus who can be best described as "Mike Myers if he were actually funny." He is known for stealing from Home Depot and Walmart routinely once he realized he'd never be close to an actual villain due to his wimpiness and overconfidence.
Swayzak was initially conceived by Jason Derulo as Cartoon Network's version of Spawn, but smoking Disco Spinach 420 (jazz cabbage) and watching an episode of Buzz Lightyear of Star Command led the plan to be scrapped and the character's personality to be modeled after Zurg instead, just because he looked the part. Hoss Delgado from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy instead got the "badass anti-hero" treatment.
History[edit]
Early years[edit]
Swayzak was born in Auckland, New Zealand on an Apple II. He was one of the first computer viruses ever, as no one had heard of them in the early seventies. (That's actually a lie, because the Creeper system, NOT RELATED TO THE DC CHARACTER, first appeared in 1971.) He spent his days learning how to infect computers and reading comic books, particularly those featuring Martian Manhunter, his idol. The first system Swayzak ever infected was an Atari 2600, his own in fact, which made a game of Air-Sea Battle very glitchy, much to his amusement.
In the 80s, Swayzak would get into new wave group New Order and perform sneak attacks on computer systems, usually being forced out as he wasn't competent. Despite this, Swayzak still tried time and time again to improve his skills, usually failing. He also discovered his bisexuality, as he became attracted to not only the Invisible Woman, but also Mr. Fantastic. He also discovered he had an endo fetish when he watched the Super Friends episode where Superman and Wonder Woman went inside Aquaman, but he found the insides of women and children disgusting. Clearly, Swayzak has the worst traits in a human being, but stays away from minors.
In the 90s, Swayzak would move to America and make friends with board game superstar the Omega Virus and Canadian (eh) computer virus Megabyte. Also during this time, Swayzak would infect several ships, actually maintaining control over them a few times, which only served to boost his ego. That would just make things worse for him in the following years. He'd also listen to The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" on repeat, claiming he'd "hack the planet..." like that would ever happen.
2002: His mass media debut (sort of)[edit]
Swayzak, in one of his most diabolical plans yet (to him), infected The Absolution, the ship owned by TOM, as well as several other ships in the area, in attempt to make them crash into Earth. Swayzak showed up on The Absolution's monitor, replacing the ship's AI, Sara, and did nothing but trash talk TOM, which he got tired of. Eventually, it became clear what Swayzak's main problem was: he got angry and didn't think straight once he knew he was losing. However, Swayzak retaliated by infecting TOM and turning him into a complete jerk who ruined everyone's day at the beach. Unfortunately, Sara soon wished for her beloved robot companion to be an awkward dork once again, and inspired by her own endo fetish, went inside TOM to fight Swayzak. Swayzak died a Disney Death and was absorbed into a microchip.
2003: Romance with Sara[edit]
Since Sara felt a strange attraction to Swayzak (she LIKED being put down by someone with a massive ego), she broke him out of the microchip and the two began dating. Swayzak got to explore the Earth he wanted The Absolution to crash into so damn much, finding a job at the X-Zone in the Palisades Center in West Nyack, NY, and trying not to get distracted by extremely hot Sephiroth who worked EB Games down a few. Sara, meanwhile, worked as a teacher at It's a Family Affair Child Care in Upper Marlboro, MD; she did not enjoy getting put down by the worst directors ever, because being put down by women is less of an experience. When Sara and Swayzak were off from their jobs, she would invite him to Six Flags America, where they would ride Krypton Comet a ton. When it was Swayzak's turn to invite Sara, she would play games at Dave & Buster's, including Invasion: The Abductors.
Swayzak and Sara eventually married and rented an apartment in Harajuku. A weekend at their house is like a weekend at Ted Nugent's house. Swayzak blares Moloko, New Order and techno while watching Star Wars (mostly the prequels, due to them having Temuera Morrison) and eating Cool Ranch Doritos. Sara does housework like she's Wilma Flintstone and plays video games.
Sara had to hide the fact that she was dating Swayzak from TOM, as TOM would probably hate her for marrying a "psychopath." However, Swayzak eventually made a cameo in Sara's review of the game Rez, upgrading his voice to make him sound like Sinestro. This made him buy Rez and nickname the lead character after himself.
A year later, Cartoon Network began airing a bumper for their crappy show The Life and Times of Juniper Lee in which we see a red-and-black coloured character that looks suspiciously like Swayzak, who Juniper then deletes from her screen. In reality, this character's name was Loki, and he had beaten up Swayzak on New Year's Eve 2004 and stolen his identity. Loki later went on to shoot up a Waffle House in 2018.
Later years[edit]
In 2007, Sara abandoned TOM for Swayzak full-time. The two remained a childless couple, as AI can't have kids. Swayzak got a job at Fun and Games, an arcade in the Willowbrook Mall in Wayne, NJ, where people would bring their consoles in despite the amount of arcade cabs there. At least one time, someone brought in Rez, making Swayzak a lucky virus.
When the 2013 blockbuster The Hunger Games: Catching Fire came out, Swayzak became obsessed with minor antagonist Romulus Thread, sensing a connection between the two.
Swayzak learned how to steal from Home Depot and Walmart once he realized there was no way he was going to be an efficient villain due to his wimpiness and overconfidence. He does it routinely to get anything he wants, like a PlayStation 4, and nobody knows he's there. Swayzak also made friends with Space Ghost's evil lunatic twin brother Chad Ghostal, who gave him a beret. Now Swayzak finds himself absorbed into the beatnik culture, and one of his weird-ass poems, entitled "Can Take Pancake," has gone viral due to its absurdity.
But nothing has changed about Swayzak for the most part. He still watches BattleBots, listens to meme mashups, and is pretty damn good at making mac-n-cheese. Sara is unaware there is an imposter using her identity who wants to destroy all organic life.
Trivia[edit]
- Swayzak's favorite Injustice 2 character is Brainiac, though he does have a crush on Cyborg.
- Swayzak is not to be confused with the techno group of the same name, although they're one of his favorite groups and their album Dirty Dancing came out a week after his mass media debut. He is also not to be confused with the Backdraft character of the same (last) name. (How that character got that as a last name even Swayzak, the virus, doesn't know.)
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