“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He is, like, fucking cool, dude!”
“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He is, like, fucking cool, dude! And I, like, totally keep the money, dude!”
Spawn is a comic-book character created by Todd McFarlane in order to prove he was a real writer. The initial concept for the character was "bad ass black motherfucker", but after copyright dispute with Samuel L. Jackson, the character was changed to a "bad ass black crispy motherfucker". This concept also led to copyright dispute, this time with George Lucas. Finally, the concept was changed one more time to "dead bad ass black crispy motherfucker".
Spawn is the name given to the current Hell's Pawn, the leader of the Army of the Italian demonic motherfucker Malebolgia.
The current director of hell's armies is a dead, rotting, infertile, shit-faced, cuckolded, CIA, loser named Al Simmons. After his death at the hand of CIA boss George H. W. Bush, Simmons made a deal with the devil: he signed a void contract to fill the corner office in Malebolgia's infernal circle, in order to see his wife once again. Malebolgia accepted and Simmons woke up outside his house just in time to see his wife fucking his best friend. At that moment, Simmons realized he'd been screwed and that no amount of deodorant or air freshener was going to cover up that dead body smell.
After realizing this sad fact, Simmons decided to drown his sorrow in beer. Completly drunk, he ended up in a alley, sleeping between two beggars. When he woke up, some Mafia drug addict, thought it would be funny to go bum burning every drunken beggar he could find with gasoline and roast marshmallows over their charred corpses. A tad annoyed, Spawn turned his cape into a thousand hypodermic needles that injected itself into the thug's veins, and stripped off his skin from the inside out to make a tent and keep the homeless warm at night. The beggars agreed to make Spawn their king, as they were too drunk to realize how ugly he was, his reeking stench covered up by their own.
Upon returning to hell, Spawn was screamed at by Malebolgia for not being a good hellspawn, and the Italian decided to brainwash him. After the Junior Satanist Science Bible Lesson failed to work, Spawn was then screened a Teletubbies VHS tape, which had worked on 99% of all souls in hell. Spawn was able to resist the Tubbies' infectious groove, and after he escaped and punched Malebolgia in the dick, took to watching the show on breaks to "study" what makes it so powerful.
Abilities and Powers
Being an ex-agent of the CIA, Spawn has intimate knowledge of every gun existing on Earth and elsewhere. However, he seems to have a fondness for big, over sized ones. This was perhaps due to the fact that his dick had probably either crumbled to dust or was eaten by worms.
- Chains. It may not be not as cool as tentacles, but it still kicks ass. However, Spawn also has the unfortunate tendency to trip over them while walking on rooftops.
- A huge, flowing shape shifting red cape that Spawn seems reluctant to ever use to it's full potential outside of the comics, due to it looking like an amorphous, gravity defying CGI blob on film, and making the mechanics of his video games more broken and boring than Superman 64.
- One huge red boot and one small red boot covered in spikes. Apparently, due to the 1991 economic crisis, Malebolgia could not afford a new pair of boots and had to give Spawn some hand me downs from his sex dungeon.
In addition, it is to be noted that Spawn also has the power to do anything he wants, but for only a limited number of times. When he has used up his power, he will automatically return to Hell and become Malebolgia's gimp. This particular aspect of Spawn's power seems to have been forgotten over time tough, as only fat thirty-something geeks remember it.
Spawn also has a very, very sexy voice, provided by Apollo himself, Keith David, who was sick of serving Zeus and went down the stripper pole to hell on a day off.
Spawn's rogue gallery is vast and diversified, including thugs, demons, angels, FBI agents, an evil billionaire, zombies, cyborgs, dogs, C.H.U.Ds, nuns, and hygiene products. Among this huge pile of cannon-fodder, only a few stands out as worthy of being named. Here are those few:
Violator's main power is to creep people out, in either form. He also has the power, according to Violator himself, to kill Spawn with a single finger. Strangely, he never did anything to prove that claim.
Violator is also the oldest of the seven Phlebiac brothers and the grand-grand-nephew of Malebolgia. The other Dalton brothers are, from the oldest to the youngest: Velociraptor, Vasectominator, Vibrator, Visitor, Virginator,and Voltron. The Phlebiac brothers also have a teenage sister called Vaginator.
Cogliostro, or Cog for short, was first thought to be a clone of Obi-Wan Kenobi and an ally of Spawn. Cog first met Spawn playing amazing grace on bagpipes for a dead prostitute thrown into a back-alley dumpster. Finding Spawn to be a good companion, Cog taught him how to use the Force and how to pop a beer can open with his teeth.
In the sixth panel of the eleventh page of Issue 54, however, he betrayed Spawn and stabbed him in the back. He then revealed that he was in fact a clone a Cain, the dim-wit that killed his own brother, the real Obi-Wan Kenobi. His plan was too raise Spawn's powers than steal them to become more powerful than Satan himself. Spawn, not pleased at all by the betrayal, used his infinite power to banish Cogliostro somewhere.
In order to prove once and for all that he was stronger and edgier than anyone at DC or Marvel, Spawn got a slick new business suit with angel wings from Judas and began to buyout God and the Devil, in a hostile takeover resulting in the merger of the Heaven and Hell companies. Spawn had now officially jumped the shark, sharks coincidentally being the only creature with more rows of teeth than Venom.
Not wanting to throw in the shape shifting towel, and with seemingly nowhere to go from there but down, Spawn went toe to toe with deities from other religions, in order to establish more factories overseas. Unfortunately for his company, Spawn soon lost a prolonged legal battle against another comic book deity, allowing Asgard to poach Spawn's best staff out from under him: Angela, the Victoria's Secret angel bounty hunter, now Thor's long lost Valkyrie sister. Because after all, what right minded Christians or feminists would take offense at a family entertainment company adding a blasphemously big breasted amazonian angel designed for a mature comic line, so as to have her fight alongside pagan gods, while wearing a chain mail bikini during a snow storm as a soldier on the front lines?
Under Spawn's management, Heaven and Hell suffered record lows the next four fiscal quarters. His company tattered, Spawn recouped his loses and sold his controlling shares in Heaven and Hell to investors in China. Al Simmons now spends his endless retirement years quietly widdling collectible figurines out of plastic on a porch somewhere in rural Georgia.
The Catholic Church has a love hate relationship with Spawn, much like it does with the fan fiction and fandom communities surrounding The Divine Comedy, The Da Vinci Code, Protestantism or Eastern Orthodox. Spawn does get the kids interested in church though, even if just as a source of super powers. Impaled on the other spiky red gauntlet however people keep asking priests and nuns why there are no pictures of the chain mail bikini angels in the bible, and complex theological question like whether The Devil can accidentally kill himself by creating a bad add magical rock so big, asymmetrical, covered with spikes, that he can't lift it, or why if demons grant witches magical powers why they just don't pretend to be superheroes to fool everyone into a false sense of security rather than hide if the media is a servant of Hell? For being the first person to punch Satan in comics, Spawn will forever be remembered, like when Captain America knocked out his boss Adolf Hitler; yup, it's hard to discuss the numerous problems with Abrahamic religion or 90's comics without thinking about Spawn.