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For a long, long time, Spiderman lacked any decent enemies. He came and went, fighting scofflaws like the Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus, and even became so bored he took up photography. Because he was a comic book character, he deathly needed the cliche of the "doppelganger-evil twin" gimmick.

And then there was Venom.


After catching a ball from Mark MgGuire, Todd McFarlane found it oozing with steroids; which he than injected into a tarantula with an overbite. Venom could just be invisible all the time, but he isn't because his artwork is all he really has going for him. Venom has a complicated relationship with Mary Jane Fatson, instead of dialogue or character development he mostly just drools like a Hapsberg monarch; constantly biting his 6 foot tongue with his hundreds of teeth. Based off pictographic analysis, it seems Venom wants either to eat, tentacle rape or become the crime fighting symbiotic super spandex of Mary Jane Fatson. The symbiote however prefers the company of men, only once experimenting with Eddie Brocks ex-wife in a limited miniseries stand.

Venom: The pimp years[edit]

Ah, yes. These were the years when you saw Venom walking down the street with a bitch under each arm. You see, after he and Spiderman beat Carnage, Venom went to find himself. After skitching on the skateboard he got eating Tony Hawk, he made his way cross country to L.A. As many men would trying to make it in L.A., Venom went to the nearest "Big and Tall Man Shop" and picked up a pimp suit.

You know what they say, "Once you go black suit you never go back." Now where's my money Mary Jane, you holding out on me?

Well, as most good things do, these times didn't last. Venom didn't expect that more pimps would flood his town, but they did. All his customers and hoes left and so he went back to New York to try and take Mary Jane from Spiderman; who had no idea how to pimp her properly.

The Briefs[edit]

  1. Created by scientist Ronald McDonald whose made millions by having other people design and make cheap toys with his name on them.
  2. Venom was sent back in time to make sure everyone knew who Todd McDonalds was, and how he deserves more money. Like the Terminator...but sucky.
  3. Venom forgot who created him, bonded with Spider-man during the Double Secret Wars, and ended up being uber-popular in his own right, so Marvel Comics never gave McDonalds any credit. That douche.

McDonalds used its happy meals to distribute the vast selection of toys that related to its other popular character Spawn. Feeling that his funnybooks were lacking violence and school girls, McDonalds created Spawn as a way to get back at companies that were just making shallow actionpacked sex-filled superhero stories (i.e. good ones) like The Watchmen.

Venom has been known to dress up like Spawn and call Spider-Man up on the phone asking him if he likes the Spawn movies. Spider-Man has numerous restraining orders against Venom but they can't be enforced beyond blocking Venom on his myspace because, well, he's freaking Venom.

Many consider Venom the Godfather of Black Metal, a genre he helped develop in the early 1980s and still considers the pinnacle of popular music today. Spiderman has never been a fan, this makes him like it more.

Ultimate Venom[edit]

In the Ultimate Marvel universe, Venom is David Brock, a journalist who fell into a vat of ink mixed with gelatin. After failing to wash it off multiple times, he attempted to kill his former coworkers in revenge for being dumb enough to leave said vat of ink lying around. Failing at that, he started up Media Matters for America to complain about them. He failed, however, when his liberal co-workers turned against him, forcing him to run into a nuclear testing plant. The inkstains reacted horribly with the nuclear radiation, turning him into a living Rorschach inkblot. He swore revenge, and has been making life a nightmare for committed mental patients ever since, see David Blaine.

Venom's Origin[edit]

Topher Grace, have you ever actually read a comic book with Venom in it before? Eddie Brock is supposed to be some weight lifter who spends too much time at the gym and was never good enough at sports to play on a team like Flash Thompson, but lucks out, get's some of Spiderman's hand me down living clothes and looks like Gene Simmons on super steroids. You seem more like Tobey Maguire's lab partner who stole his bag of crack and snorted it all.

As with most supervillain origins, it all started with a simple mistake:

While participating in the first Secret Wars, Spider-Man along with the other heroes taken from their home planet by The Beyonder (who didn't need anything but was unholy bored), decided to hold a fashion show during a lull between battles. Spidey was really annoyed as he hadn't packed his swimwear for the trip, however was overjoyed to find a device that he thought looked like "it wants to make a costume". This machine, called the Vault, produced a small, black blob of goo that immediately smeared itself all over Spidey's color-clashing costume, turning it into an eye-popping display of cutting-edge fashion. Peter Parker enjoyed the fact that the goopy tuxedo (for that was what it appeared to be) was able to produce its own webbing and could change to mimic any item of clothes he desired. This also meant that Peter no longer had to raid his wife's wardrobe every time she went out. Oh, and at some point Pete had gotten married.

This all came to an end when Spider-Man discovered that his stylish new suit was actually an alien symbiote called Brian. This freaked Peter out, as Brian would be able to expose Peter's love of silky underwear, so Spidey paid a visit to Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four. Side Note: I hate the Fantastic Four so much. Fucking radiation.

Mr. Fantastic, whose own body could flow and ebb like goo, immediately tried to separate the two with his "sonic screwdriver" and captured the symbiote for his own "personal" use. 8 hours later he left his private chamber declaring that the symbiote was in fact 'innocent'.

The costume, however, escaped, as it did not want to perform the sex acts that Richards was trying to expose it to and who could blame it, instead it attempted to rejoin Spider-Man, but the hero tried to kill the symbiote using the noise from an electronic greeting card. The symbiote, being as horrified and appalled as the rest of us are by these novelty cards, fled to a chapel on the outskirts of town. Unbeknownst to the creature, Eddie Brock was alone there, praying that God would give him superpowers to go murder gangsters, to hide his lack of a compelling backstory. The rest was 90's comic gold.