Green Goblin

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Osborn smoking crack.

The Green Goblin is considered (keyword "considered") the arch enemy of Spider-Man. The Greenback Gobblers being good at everything is the tragic result of pure drugs and lots of money. The Green Gremlin is a very dangerous man with enough power to defeat the entire american army, even though his costume doesn't actually do anything like Scorpion or Rhino or Doc Ock. Unfortunately he is very mentally unstable, which leads to many catastrophes for both himself and those around him.


The Green Goblin began as a filthy rich man known as Norman Osborn, cousin of Ozzy Osbourne. Like his cousin, Norman had a great interest in drugs and heavy metal imagery. But in contrast to his cousin who actually took drugs, Norman was like Walter White and sold his nootropic goblin steroids down at the gym and to medical students during hell week. Norman's drug selling began when his Canadian cousin sent him a package of experimental chemicals from a Weapon program animal test for Christmas. Norman at the time was not interested in taking the experimental nootropic roids deemed unfit for human consumption, so he sold them at a New Years party to friends in the army about to ship out. They sold so well, he decided to open his own legitimate pharmaceutical company Oz Corp. The business was a huge success and he was quickly rocketed to a billionaire. Choosing to further cash in on the success, Norman used some of his money to open a weapons division to snatch that hovering municipal city vehicles contract from the Fantastic Four and corner the semi autonomous drone market midair before Tony Stark caught wind of it. Norman started supplying his drug addicted thugs with hovercycles and laser guns and thus born were the world's first super gangsters. Within three weeks of opening Oscorp, Norman's earning far surpassed Bill Gates's, and he hadn't yet even invented the pager or the cellphone to better do drug deals.

Becoming the Green Goblin and meeting Spider-Man[edit]

The Goblin was born on Halloween night after Osborn had gotten a huge deal with Wal-Mart and Costco to distribute his drugs and weapons to their customers in time for the holiday shopping season. He was so happy that night that he actually decided to try his newest serum on himself to demonstrate it wasn't as instantly maddening as the news was saying. He took a very tiny whiff of it and suddenly felt strange. He felt powerful and wild and free to do what he pleased. Happy and wild, he started to smash up his very expensive room. Then he threw off all his clothes and ran around the house screaming "I'm in love with Sarah Palin."

After smashing up more of his house and humping some statues of himself, he looked outside and then decided to spread the joy of this wondrous night. He then wondered into his art gallery to make some items to distribute out to everyone and started talking to a helmet. Unfortunately, his coked up mind caused him to put bombs instead of candy in little halloween pumpkins. He said that they would be treats with surprises inside to spread halloween cheer. Then he grabbed the halloween costume and one of his advanced recon gliders and flew into the night, however he was so cracked out on goblin juice he forgot gliders are a thing you hang underneath, so he surfed it like a hover board. As he flew off he tossed the little bombs everywhere screaming "allow me to spread the joy of halloween my people." The goblin was too distracted by his work to notice the bombs blowing up many buildings and people running in terror. It was a violent night... but was also very colorful.

All the trouble attracted Spider-Man, who quickly found the goblin passed out in an alleyway. Spider-Man crook that he is demanded the goblins name, thinking over all the money and riches he had, the goblin replied his name was the Green Goblin. Believing Spider-Man was another trick or treater dressed as a burglar, the goblin hurled a bomb at Spider-Man. After receiving a blow from Spider-Man, the Goblin started to think he was a real burglar and fought him in a lethal battle. However the crazed goblin was far too powerful for Spider-Man to handle. The super snake oil serum had not only taken away most of Norman's sanity but made him thirty times stronger and as Jean Grey learned the night before she died he could last all night in bed. [[Midlife crisis line|Spiderman tried to convince his best friends dad that stealing his son's best friend's girlfriend, riding around on his hover skateboard and injecting himself with chemicals and picking fights wouldn't bring his youth back. Tragically Norman Osborn would not listen to reason and Norman and Jean died in a drunk hover boarding accident while taking the bridge.


Norman at a business meeting.

NIt was later revealed Norman had not died but had faked his own death in order to get out of jail. For a while he tried to take his second lease on life seriously and get a clean start, the time comatose underground had effectively served as going cold turkey. However by this point his son has gotten into his stash an started shooting up goblin serum and slowly he was dragged back into his old life of super drugs. As part of his community service he was assigned to the leader of the Thunderbolts where he spent much of his time cleaning up Spiderman's graffiti across town. Impressed with his ability to make even the least aerodynamically shaped object defy gravity, Osborn convinced the Obama administration to be made head of SHIELD's replacement HAMMER following the Skrull occupation of earth, and was thus put in charge of the war on terra from aboard the helicarrier.

Dual Personalities[edit]

The crack started to take a major toll on Norman himself and his goblin identity started to form it's own personality. Unfortunately for Norman, the other persona was a lot more ego statistical and very very careless. Often times, the other personality would do as it pleased, making careless mistakes that wrecked Norman's life. The persona got itself involved with underground gangs (even though it knew nothing about being part of a gang) and sold parts of Norman's company to hobos who didn't know how to run it. The goblin personality also discovered Norman's credit cards and used them to their fullest extent on weapons and women. Norman was completely unaware of this, until he got his bills that month (there was much screaming that day).

Ya know, this really feels awfully familiar.