Deadpool
 | |
| Gender: | Male. |
| Height: | 6'2" |
| Weight: | Unconfirmed |
| Eyes: | Seemingly White |
| Hair: | Wears mask |
| Species: | Seemingly Human |
| Occupation: | |
| Weapon of Choice: | Staffs, Nunchucks, Katanas |
| Status: | Married (To Bea Arthur) |
| Date Of Birth | March 13, 1333 |
| Superpower/s | 4th wall breaks, Healing factor, being the most innapropriate character in Marvel, getting into the Spider Man animated TV show despite that |
Deadpool (a.k.a. The Merc with the Mouth, That Guy Who Thinks in Yellow Boxes, The "Discreet" Rip-Off of Deathstroke, Wade Wilson, "That Guy", and the Tim Curry Wannabe) is a well known mercenary.
History[edit]
Deadpool was conceived in a Weapon X facility deep in the Alasken wilderness by Dr. Frankenstein using the most marketable parts of existing heroes. Combining Spiderman's mask and sense of humor, Wolverines regeneration factor and combat record, Punisher's guns, Daredevil's qualification for disability accommodations, and most importantly She-Hulks ability to break the forth wall and do sexy poses, Deadpool was born from a pile of corpses containing desperate cancer patient Wade Wilson in the beginning of the Xtreme 90's. It's mostly just skin and brain cancer though, it doesn't seem to effect his ability to do parkour and backflips.
Deadpool is a lovable mercenary with a mouth like a sailor, active in the early 1990's and late 80's operating outside the legal conventions of the U.N. much like his fellow beloved soldiers of fortune, the A-Team, but with lots more blood. Where Captain America fights for his country and the democratic ideals it embodies, Deadpool fights to make his bank account bigger, as a gun for hire for third world regimes with bad human rights records, senators with secrets, doing contract killings for gold diggers and impatient heirs, acting as a body guard for drug lords and as an aid to powerful international corporations trying to silence whistle blowers. Or at least that's what he used to do, now he mostly helps the sort of people who get hits put out on them. Deadpool's life is basically one non stop Hong Kong action movie, much like it is living in Hell's Kitchen for Luke Cage or Iron Fist, handling problems beneath the official government involvement of not so super heroes like Black Widow or Hawkeye. Also his girlfriend is a shapeshifter who turns into all the other hot women in Marvel, and Death thinks he's funny, which makes Thanos pissed, luckily he has his pal Cable the Larry Guy from the future of the 1990's with lots of pockets filled with guns to back him up.
When Deadpool went to Japan after sailing across the ocean on a raft out of dead ninjas, he was immediately attacked by a Giant Enemy Crab. Fortunately, Deadpool was able to beat back the monster, who suddenly revealed itself to be the Savior of Man. No, not fucking Chuck Norris, you Fan-childs, Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell, impressed by Deadpool's apparent inability to die, granted him some guns and twin katanas to help him on his journey to find his true purpose. Apparently, Deadpool needed to know more about himself other than he was just a guy in red-and-black tights who can't die and breaks the fourth wall as a method of humor. So, Deadpool went on his merry way to complete his quest, when he came across the land of Japan, and became a part of it's Anime.
Deadpool easily stood out from most Anime characters with his inherent ability known as Common Sense. With it, Deadpool was able to look at a situation and form a clear, rational hypothesis within his mind without the need to voice his thoughts out loud. He also possesses the ability to dodge an attack from an enemy when they head straight for him by doing what is known as "Stepping Out of the Fucking Way." Such strange powers were alien to the dazzled denizens of Japanese culture, and they held Deadpool very highly for this. Eventually, he became more popular than even Scatman John and Naruto. Naruto was extremely angered by this, and challenged Deadpool to face him in combat. Naruto lost in ten seconds. However, his pitiful cries were heard by The Evil Goddess of Anime, who placed two curses upon Deadpool: Testicular Cancer, and to have his thoughts instantly converted to little yellow boxes so that everyone and your mom can see his thoughts. However, even as Deadpool writhed on the ground in agony, clutching his meatsac, his friend (and part-time lover) Freddy Krueger appeared from the sky and cured Deadpool of his Cancer, though at the cost of looking like an infected scab and being completely insane. Both Deadpool and Freddy fought back the evil goddess and retreated to the nearest Communist Region, Australia. Deadpool decided then and there to give up his quest and instead pursue a rather fulfilling life as a daytime stripper, saying proudly to himself; "Some douche bag on Uncyclopedia is reading an article about me right now...". However, his job was soon ruined by a zombie apocalypse which forced him to reveal his truest true identity as Lewis from Left 4 Dead. This caused such a controversy that the world exploded into two halves just like that lame series of Heroes.
She-Hulk absolutely despises Deadpool, having been personally involved in more war crimes around the world than the personnel of all the other private military contracting firms put together, she wants to see him stand trial for the graves he's filled; but more than that, he stole her entire gimmick, just strapping on a mask and weapons, and for that they can be no forgiveness.
Deadpool's holy war against 4KidsTV[edit]
In 2016, Deadpool met the great demon Alfred Kahn, lord and master of the dreaded realm of 4KidsTV, where Anime characters and various heroes of our childhood go to be butchered by the American devils. Kahn offered Deadpool his own program on the channel, granted, it would suck balls, but it would still garner millions of views and dollars from ignorant children. Fortunately, Deadpool wasn't that desperate to sing the national anthem with a bunch of other characters and disgrace nations everywhere, so he passed on the deal. Angered, Alfred Kahn kidnapped Stan Lee and brought him back to his headquarters in the Kamiakin Empire, where Stan was forced to sign a five year contract. Deadpool, enraged, pointed to the skies above and shouted towards the heavens; "In the name of all those who died in the Pirate-Ninja War, I'll destroy Alfred Kahn!" He then quickly hopped on his motorbike and sped towards the realm of the great beast, stopping for nothing. Except for Wendy's.
Just as Deadpool crossed over from Montana into the land of Microsoft Paint, Deadpool was suddenly attacked and knocked off his motorbike by Ronald McGoddamn Donald, who engaged him in a massive fight to the death. The battle between Ronald and Deadpool is one of the most well known fights of all time; the sheer scale of it's cataclysmic destruction dealt to the Microsoft Paint region surpassed even the battle between Rosie O'Donnell and Ted Turner in 1743. The fight lasted for two entire months, and gained such recognition, it was able to be viewed on Pay Per View about three days after it started. Eventually, the conflict became so bloody that it started to draw in fighters from all over the world, resulting in an even larger conflict. Over 1,600 people fought in what was known as the Motorbike Conflict (in memory of Deadpool's motorbike, which sustained multiple scratches and dents and several other fatal wounds.), including Superman, H.G. Wells, Kurt Cobain, most of the stunt-doubles from the movie Spaceballs, a Grue, Gordon Freeman, your face, Celine Dion, Canada, Barack Obama, Max Lord, Manbearpig, Sun Tzu, all the characters from Team Fortress 2, Kermit the Frog, a Brumak, the Power Rangers, Carl Brutananadilewski, Captain Picard, a caveman, and the iPhone.
Finally, while everyone was taking a break, Deadpool hopped on the Brumak and rode towards the Kamiakin Empire. After successfully slaughtering the zombie hordes of 4Kids, Deadpool finally confronted Alfred Kahn in Mortal Kombat. Nobody knows exactly what transpired on the top of Kahn's tower of doom, but legends sayeth that it lasted for about four minutes. We do know that at the climax of the fight, Colonel Sanders swooped down from the skies and cut off Alfred Kahn's head. Thus, Deadpool was victorious, and Stan Lee was saved, 4kids fell soon after, and the land of Microsoft Paint was taken over by the Funimation Empire. (Deadpool shot Stan in the face shortly thereafter.)
Wars Deadpool has Participated in[edit]
Pirate-Ninja War: Side: Pirate/Moderate Ninja Alliance Acted as a mercenary for the Pirates/Moderate Ninja Alliance, hired by Captain Jack Sparrow. He was a major participant in the battles for the Kawagucci base, Shoreline Beach, and was present at the Last Stand on the Igneous Rock Bed. He escaped with Jack Sparrow shortly before the island's destruction.
Moose-Robot War of 1819: Side: N/A Though not a directly-involved participant, he did lead some one-man raids against robot factories to loot supplies. He later secured rights to some land in Canada after the British won the war to be used as his weapon of choice against the inevitable battle against Zod. (Deadpool always wanted Canada to be wielded as a weapon.)
American Civil War: Side: Confederate States of America Deadpool fought as a mercenary in the Civil War. He is credited for single handedly defeating the Northern Army at Fredricksburg, after slashing apart brigade after brigade of Northern troops. He was also present in Pickett's Charge at the Battle of Gettysburg, and is said to have charged straight through the enemy line, cutting completely through their defenses. His inertia carried him forward until he charged out the back of the Union's position, disappearing into the forest. He was not seen in the war again.
Zombie War: Side: Humans Also known as the Z-War, Deadpool was a rather unwilling participant in this conflict, after he was trapped in a 7-11 by zombies. Although he dispatched the undead relatively easily, he was suddenly attacked by the reincarnated ninjas he killed during the Pirate-Ninja Conflict, all eager for revenge. He finally defeated the Zombie-Ninjas only by killing the Supreme Zombie Leader, which resulted in the end of the war. He didn't know this until two months later when left the 7-11 because it had finally ran out of food. (Not porn though!)
The Great Squirrel-Chipmunk War: Side: Squirrels After shrinking himself, Deadpool sided with the Squirrels, lending his martial arts and wisecracking talents to their army. For some reason, though, he chose to be a sniper throughout the conflict, which he was very bad at. Not only was he unable to make any kills, but he also eventually left the battle out of boredom and started playing Team Fortress 2. Thus, he was not credited for being in this battle. (It should be known that none of these wars actually credit him for participating, as his super-speed and Ninja-like skills made him almost completely invisible to anyone on the battlefield, and those who did know that he was a participant (of whom only included those who hired him) didn't want to have any affiliation with him, so they left him out of the textbooks.)
Sino-Japanese War: Side: Chinese Deadpool fought for the Chinese at first, thinking that it would be fun to fight Ninjas again, but when he suddenly had a prophetic vision of Chuck Norris winning the entire war, he left in disgust that someone could be that uncreative to finish a parody article like that. He then went back home and played Left 4 Dead.
Star Wars: Side: Jedi Deadpool initially called the war between the Republic and Seperatists "A total mess of special effects and terrible looking puppets," but was pursuaded to join the Jedi after being convinced that "Republic credits will suffice" as payment. And so, Deadpool fought until he grew bored, then went home to play Left 4 Dead. (Ironically, Deadpool came in contact with George Lucas online and proceeded to tear his lungs out. In real life.)
Winter War: Side: Initially Winter, later for the Finnish Army At first, he was hired by the Winter generals to fight for them. However, it turned out to be a trap, set by Deadpool's nemesis, Zod, who had bribed the generals of Winter to incarcerate him. Deadpool was ambushed by Winter soldiers near the border of Finland and was held hostage for three weeks. He was later set free during a Finnish raid of the prison. Deadpool then joined the Finnish resistance, turning the tide for Finland. When the war was won in 2005, Deadpool disappeared yet again.
Beast Wars: Side: Himself Yeah, Deadpool was pretty much trying to kill everyone in this war for some reason. And as a result, the land of Narnia was left in ruin by the colliding forces of Deadpool's army of Cosplayers and Beastman's army of extinct animals.
World War What: Side: Ummmm... ...At least, he THINKS he fought in it...
The Un-Wiki War: Side: Uncyclopedia Deadpool managed to survive the unexpected attack by Wikipedia. Because of this, He decided to declare war, and enlist the likes of Captain Picard, Jack Bauer, Samus Aran, Morgan "God" Freeman and a Grue. In spite of being crazy, he retained his sanity during the war...yeah.
Human vs. Kitten War: Side: Kittens Deadpool, due to his Kitty heritage, was called to fight for his species during the war.
Marvel vs. Capcom War: Side: Capcom In a stunning move, Deadpool unexpectedly chose the Capcom side. He did so because apparently Joe Quesada said a racist remark against Mercenaries. Joe doomed them all.
The Coke Vs. Pepsi War: Side: Neutral When word of the War broke out Wade was eager for a fight. Until he realized who were fighting. Wade could not choose between the two sides, and decided to cash in during the Cola Shortage by creating a new brand of Soft Drink. Created by Wade's old friend Dr. Killbrew. and named by Wade Dr. Pepper hit Grocery Store everywhere, and became a hit.
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