Mecha-Dracula

“This dood is like soooo MECHA, lyke ZOMG!!1!”

~ Valley Girl on Mecha-Dracula

Comic book artists back in the 70s were usually colorblind and lashed out at the world of those able to see colors by drawing bright, obnoxiously-hued images.

As if Mecha-Dracula really needs an introduction, but regardless here it is: Mecha-Dracula fucking RULES. Half vampire, half robot, he roves the countryside of Transylvania righting wrongs and making sure to use 1-800-Collect when calling people collect, lest he be put on List of Pitied Fools.

The Wonderful World of Mecha-Dracula: An Introduction

A famous Marvel Comics character, Mecha-Dracula originally got his start as a villain in the 1972 comic "Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' and also Dancin'," a comic involving a sextet of crime-solving, disco-dancing ne'er-do-wells, all of whom had adopted the moniker "Dancin'" because, to quote Dancin' from Issue #3, "I like dancin'. It's not just what I do; it's who I am. So my name's Dancin'. You dig?"

Mecha-Dracula himself was a frequent antagonist, attacking the Dancin's seemingly out of nowhere whenever they encountered mysteries laced with the occult. Not to be confused with Doctor Groove-O-Tron, another robot nemesis of the Dancin' six. His manner was stiff and his character really was more of the kind used when the writers couldn't score any choice weed that month to help them to be more creative.

Mecha-Dracula, Alan Moore Style

Seen here : Mecha-Dracula, brooding about something. Probably the malaise in his soul. Or perhaps a leprechaun stole his hat. This happened frequently to Moore back in the day, and some regard his run on Mecha-Dracula as a partial autobiography.

After a while not much at all was seen of Mecha-Dracula until 1975 when fledgling writer Alan Moore offered to write and draw a comic for Marvel for a pittance. While many consider Moore's run of Mecha-Dracula the finest of the character's series, it is also widely acknowledged that working on Mecha-Dracula was what drove Moore stark-raving mad. (This is of course false, as Alan Moore has always been mad, by foolish mortal standards.)

Moore took a deep look into Mecha-Dracula's psyche and found a kindred spirit. After all, during the War of 1812 where Alan Moore served as the head wizard of the English Navy, he had been turned into a vampire for a short amount of time. Nobody noticed of course because not once in all of existence has Alan Moore's ivory skin met with one ray of cursed sunshine.

Moore's run lasted 25 comics, which focused on Mecha-Dracula's battle between his two disparate sides, vampire and robot. It is a well-known fact that throughout history robots and vampires have been at constant war with one another, and Moore used this knowledge to create an in-depth dichotomy in Mecha-Dracula.

The comics spanned the ages, from 500 B.C. when the world was created, to shortly before the 1970s disco-era Mecha-Dracula. Moore had too much respect for Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' and also Dancin' to encroach upon work that he deemed sacred. In an act of reverence Alan Moore blessed the roof of every single one of the people involved in any way with the comic, including its readers, and promised them "good fortune, happiness, and OH MY GOD THE PIXIES ARE AFTER MY BRAIN STEM AGAIN!"

Mecha-Dracula : The Liefeld Years

Somebody tell this asshole that the human body does not contain 19,000 muscles.

Due to a clerical error at Marvel, instead of letting Jack Kirby take over responsibility on Mecha-Dracula, one of the secretary's four year-old children, Rob Liefeld, was shouldered with the burden of drawing the comic with the help of unknown comic writer Steve Jobs (who would later decide writing comics wasn't his thing and faded into obscurity.) Liefeld gleefully took up the task, for exactly half of one issue. "BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRAW ROBOTS! ROBOTS ARE STUPID! I LIKE POUCHES! INSIDE OF THE POUCHES I DRAW ARE MORE POUCHES. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY POUCHES. CAN I GO HOME NOW?" Liefeld was quoted as saying twenty years later when asked about why his Mecha-Dracula didn't have any robotic parts at all.

Despite all that the half-comic sold four million issues and jump-started Rob Liefeld's illustrious career.

The comic's plot itself involved Mecha-Dracula waking up one day to find that some of his pouch belts had been stolen, and that somebody had made his feet normal-sized. Infuriated, he runs around beating up mailmen and kissing women with lopsided facial features. The comic ends abruptly right as a giant pouch monster starts attacking Mecha-Dracula's house. The comic was drawn on and printed on construction paper.

Mecha-Dracula : Spawn=Mecha-Dracula?

Seriously, if you know his phone number, call Rob Liefeld right NOW and tell him to fucking stop drawing.

It's widely known that Todd McFarlane basically stole his own design for Mecha-Dracula and later on used it to make his hit independent comic "The Wacky Adventures of Spawn and a bunch of other highly dervitative characters" Despite this, McFarlane's 2089 comic run on the series is hailed largely as a success.

Mecha-Dracula : The Future

Since 2001 no plans for Mecha-Dracula have been announced other than by a drunk Stan Lee at press conferences he crashes. There are rumors that Bob Kane, the deceased creator of "Batman and Robin do homoerotic stuff," will one day rise from his grave to continue on with the comic.

Notable Mecha-Dracula quotes from "Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' and also Dancin'"

• "PITIFUL DISCO-FOOLS MECHA-DRACULA SHALL USE HIS COMPUTER BRAIN TO CALCULATE A HUNDRED NUMBERS IN THE SPAN OF ONE MINUTE. BLAH."

• "MECHA-DRACULA INITIATING BLOOD-SUCK MODE. I SHALL USE MY COMPUTER FANGS TO SUCK BLOOD FAR MORE EFFICIENTLY THAN A NORMAL VAMPIRE. BLAH."

• "YOU MAY HAVE DEFEATED MECHA-DRACULA, BUT I SHALL RETURN, WITH 12 MORE KB OF RAM, AND THEN WE WILL SEE WHOSE JIVE COEFFICIENT CONTAINS THE HIGHEST GROOVE/NOT GROOVE FACTOR! BLAH."

• "RESISTANCE IS FUNKY. YOU MUST BOW BEFORE MY MIGHTY FANGS OF FANGINESS, MORTALS! BLAH."

• Mecha Dracula : "YOUR DISCO MUSIC IS NO MATCH FOR THE POWER OF THE DRUM MACHINE. BLAH."

Dancin' : "Whoa, cat, you're talkin' jive talk again!"

Dancin' : "Ain't nobody whack enough to pick vapid, synthesized pop music when they have disco!"

Dancin' : "Wrong era for that slang, you putz!"

Dancin' : "Hey sorry dawg my bad. Hey I didn't know you were Jewish!"

Mecha-Dracula : "YOUR INFERIOR METHOD OF COMMUNICATION FROM YOUR WORD-HOLE DISGUSTS MECHA-DRACULA. INITIATING 'ATTACK ENEMIES MODE' NOW! BLAH."

• Mecha-Dracula : "NONE CAN UNDERSTAND THE PAIN MECHA-DRACULA FEELS DOWN TO HIS SUPERIOR ROBOT SOUL. BLAH."
• "JUST WAIT TILL I INITIATE MY FUNK PROGRAM! BLAH."

(more later - TGM)