Simon Cowell

“If I said to most of the people who auditioned, 'Good job, awesome, well done,' it would have made me actually look and feel ridiculous. It's quite obvious most of the people who turned up for this audition were hopeless.”

~ Simon Cowell on judging

Simon Cowell (born 21 December 1946) is a British film producer, poet, stage magician, and television reality judge from the reality singing and talent judging sub-genre of reality judging television. Cowell is best known for his acerbic wit and Bauhaus-inspired hair style, much like his now-dead idol Gore Vidal Sassoon.

Life as Young Man

Cowell was born in Lunging-Upon-Cock, London after an extremely difficult and painful birth to Julie Brett, a composer of fast-food chain advertising jingles, and Eric Selig Phillip Cowell, a pants dealer and fashion magnate. To conceive, Cowell's parents used the cutting-edge and highly controversial "exterior fertilization" technique in which the female deposits her eggs onto a red silk pillow and the male mounts the pillow and buries his face in the female's glorious breasts until he fertilizes the eggs. Baby Cowell's birth made national British news as he spent his first months behind a glass partition in London's Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children. He was overseen with around-the-clock care until his tiny, stumpy arms grew to normal proportions and he was able to breath without the aid of artificial respiration.

A fragile child, Cowell did not participate in school sports and instead immersed himself in lonely, solitary pursuits such as juggling, taxidermy, and studying cartilage and ovine sexual preference. He frequently pleasured himself to the mental images of frogs and other amphibians and some aquatic birds. His room faced the lush gardens to the West of the estate, and from his dormer window he could see the gentle shifting of the seasons. He would watch the moon wax and wane and often wrote in his diary such statements as, "I find solace in the wind and the trees and the moon. I have no need to judge these things. But the other things: the people and the songs and the dancing, I must judge these things. For I find them not entirely up to snuff. I will judge them all some day. And when I judge, people will listen."

Career

Cowell performed as Simon the Splendid in men's restrooms.

Cowell has had a very large variety of different jobs over his lifetime. He has been a traveling salesman, spinach farmer, stage magician, erotic novel author (Stolen Kisses and Stolen Whores 1971, Erotic Salon Liaisons 1972, and 10,000 Fucks 1982), film producer (10,000 Fucks 1985), Chrysler mechanic (certified Master Technician), and reality television judging show contest format judge.

Simon the Splendid

At the age of 23, Cowell started his first paid job as a stage magician in the Live Nude Revue Gentleman's Club washroom. While customers relieved themselves by urinating from their penises into the long row of urinals on the South wall or grunted long slabs of shit from their anuses into one of the three stalls on the North wall of the washroom, Cowell entertained them under the guise of Simon the Splendid with his various card tricks, mind reading gags, and slight-of-hand appearance and disappearance acts. Though his take-home pay was rarely enough to cover the meager rent of his dismal apartment, it did give him his first taste of relative freedom and the pride of a job well done. A hunger for these feelings would drive him to greater success later in life.

Pants Dealer

Seeking more fertile employment, Cowell approached his father about the possibility of working under the senior Cowell in the family pants business. Though he had no formal pants dealer training and no other connections to the fashion world, Cowell was given a mid-level position in the firm overseeing two of the pants warehouses. Cowell quickly became the understudy of a handsome Spaniard by the name of Alonzo Vargas. Cowell grasped the pants firmly with both hands and pulled them down so that he could see the business with his own eyes, just as Vargas taught him. Soon, he was holding the business like a professional and handling it with aplomb. In almost no time at all, he had such mastery of the pants business that he could cause the firm to gush with profits at will. Sometimes he would do this slowly so as to prolong the pleasure of seeing his success, but sometimes he would finish quickly so that he could show a strong quarter.

After demonstrating his business abilities for his father, Cowell was given greater and greater opportunities until he eventually ended up servicing the board of directors. At this highest post, he was deemed nearly essential to the running of the business. William R. Johnston, chair of the Cowell board of directors said of Simon, "that kid had a lot of spunk. He would grab anyone by the balls and just not let go until he had what he wanted. It was such a relief sometimes to have someone willing to be so direct with you after a really long, hard day at the office. A lot of spunk." However, Cowell felt he was meant for greater things and eventually resigned his position at the board.

Reality Judge for Reality Judging Shows

Cowell is best known internationally for his many appearances as a reality judge on several top-rated reality television judging shows. His famously dry and sometimes enigmatic comments have become a staple of modern reality television judging shows.

Pop Idol

In 2001, Cowell appeared for the first time in front of a nationwide audience when he drove a modified flatbed truck onto the stage of Britian's Pop Idol and pressed a button which ignited hundreds of robotic birds on fire and sent them flapping into the audience. After the fervor died down, Cowell was a household name in the UK and a superstar judger of would-be idols.

The X Factor

Following the personal and business success of the Idol franchise, Cowell created The X Factor in what he later described in interviews as, "an insane fever-dream of an idea I had while bathing in strawberries, surrounded by hundreds of candles in my jetted tub at home." The X Factor was a nearly identical format to the Idol series except that all contestants were expected to perform in the nude. Cowell's most famous quote from that era involved an older female contestant: "I'm sorry, love. Your massive tits are distracting me. I just want to get onto that stage with you and feel them. I bet they're like a kitten's ears. Are they as soft as they look? I'm so hard. No, keep singing. But quietly so you don't distract me with it. I just want to look at your tits and your hairy bush. I can't believe you're naked up there for everyone to see. This is incredible. Is everyone as turned on right now as I am? I just want to suck on your nipples. Stop. Just stop. Stop singing. Now I'm going to write something on this piece of paper. You can't look. No peeking. No, don't cover yourself. I'm going to have this man hand you the piece of paper. Oh, I'll wait. Shut up, just wait for him to hand her...there we go. Can you read that? That's a 't'. Sorry, bad handwriting. You understand what I wrote? Yeah, I want to do that to you after the show. Will you let me do that. Oh, I want to touch myself under here so bad, but I know I can't. I said don't cover yourself. Just stand there. Stop talking. Shut up everyone. Okay, I'm done. I vote you off. You can't sing for shit. I vote everyone off. Wow, those soft, pendulous tits." Cowell left the show after his contract ended in 2003, but his celebrity as a television reality judge was cemented forever.

Britain's Got Talent

Like Pop Idol and The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent (and later, America's Got Talent) followed the judging contest format, but extended the performances to include acts other than singing. Performers of all kinds appeared on the show in its six years on the air: jugglers, cartoonists, comedians, musicians, butchers, bestialists (and zoosadists), and mimes. Cowell regularly appeared drunk on the show but maintained his popularity by dispensing witty statements about the contestants. "You're so gay, I hope you get cancer and die," he said to a juggling unicyclist. "That sound makes me crazy. I want to light you on fire. I want to light your whole family on fire and then form their ashes into a single doll shaped like you and then rape that doll until it falls apart and then bury the pieces in my spinach farm and then shit on it and make you eat the spinach that grows there. Except you won't be able to, because you'll be dead because I lit you on fire too," he said to a young flautist. He was removed from the final after repeatedly shouting the word "Bindles" to a deaf plumber who was performing a duet with a cat dressed as Lena Zavaroni.

Can You Sing Fucker?

Returning to his Idol and The X Factor roots with reality singing contest judging, Cowell co-created Can You Sing Fucker? in which the titular question is posed to ordinary people from the streets of major cities around the world. While no prizes were given to those who were deemed able to sing, those who couldn't were subjected to hours of ridicule by Cowell and the six other judges, all of whom wore wigs and elaborate red robes for the entirety of the show. The show was found to be illegal and was cancelled halfway through production of the first season.

Sing Or You Die

Little is known about Cowell's show in North Korea, except that it was called Sing Or You Die and probably ran for three seasons starting in 2009. Six minutes of grainy bootleg footage surfaced in China which showed a man screaming under an enormous swinging pendulum which was purported to be from Cowell's show, but its authenticity was never verified. Cowell was driven around the country in North Korean military vehicles under heavy guard and extreme secrecy. Cowell has soundly rejected any connection to the show, despite mounting evidence.

Perform Dance Squid Song Squid Squid Happy

Simon Cowell is extremely popular in Japan, where he has an almost cult-like multi-generational following. After being courted by various Japanese networks for over a decade, Cowell finally relented in 2011 and signed a contract to appear as a guest judge in the extremely popular game show/reality singing and dancing competition, Perform Dance Squid Song Squid Squid Happy (or PDS4+H). PDS4+H contestants are expected to answer a series of questions, run across a moat of flaming gelatin, and then sing and dance a randomly selected combination of songs before one of three squid reach a food prize at the end of a maze. Winners are allowed to eat the squid. Cowell provides both running commentary for the game show portion as well as judging for the dancing and singing. Cowell delivers his judgements in English and they are translated for a Japanese-speaking audience. Trademark phrases include: "I'll dig up your ancestors and make ornaments of their bones", "I feel like I'm bathing in your piss and I want you to stop", and "It would please me to watch you die. I'm getting a massive erection just thinking about it General Bertha.".

The Future

Cowell has publicly announced plans for four other shows he has created for British and American television. The first, How Long Can You Hold This Car Battery? is already in production. The others, Rice Or Chips?, Song Performer Superstar, Explode!, and There Are Fucking Animals In My Kitchen are all currently under negotiation. Simon Cowell has a large following on his food blog, Measurements of my Food Before and After Digestion, and he has nearly one hundred Twitter followers.

The Simon Cowl

Named after Simon Cowell, the Simon Cowl is a special nano-tube and carbon fiber cowling made for the Boeing 787 Dreamliner's Rolls-Royce Trent 1000 engines, which use a plasma arc to ignite copper anodes to the temperature of the surface of the Sun and send portions of the aircraft's wing .03 seconds into the future, propelling the craft. Engineers named the cowling after Simon Cowell while working on the experimental design during American Idol's 7th season, at the height of the show's popularity. Head engineer for the Advanced Cowling Project, Thomas Mallard-Drake said, "[I] saw the way Simon dealt with those [contestants] with their songs and their horrible limp bodies and then it hit me: this is like our fucking engine cowling for the [Trent] 1000's. It takes all of this horribleness in the form of pure energy at insane, unnatural temperatures and contains it within a magnetic barrier carbon shell. Just like Simon does with his words. So I started calling it the 'Simon Cowling' and everybody liked it and the name just stuck. Boeing got the rights for the name and that was that."

Simon Cowell is aware of his namesake cowling and intends to travel in Boeing 787s exclusively.

Death

Simon Cowell died in 2008. Since then, he has been replaced on the X factor by a shaved dead Rottweiler in a T-shirt. The BBC producers shaved the dog, real name Cuddles, then sewed up all its orifices, bar it's mouth and left nostril, into which a kazoo was forced. This caused the deadness gases emitted from its body to be expelled via these two orifices, causing the lips to flap and the kazoo to be sounded, thus facilitating the illusion that Cowell was alive and well and being a cunt in his familiar dulcet tones. Cuddles has decomposed somewhat during the five series since Cowell's death, but the alarming condition of his face has been put down by the media to Cowell's plastic surgery having been buggered. Cowell's legions of senile and/or fuckwitted fans have yet to realize that anything is amiss. One person who has certainly been taken in by the Cuddles ruse is champion attention seekist Jessie J, who married Cowell in 2012 in a fit of sycophantic self ingratiation.

Footnotes

1. ^  The Chair Recognizes You; Now Shit Off W.R. Johnston 1999.
2. ^  "Cowell Kills Dozens, Wows Hundreds With Flaming Robot Bird Stunt, gets £30 fine" British Entertainment October 29, 2001.
3. ^  Go On and Touch It S. Cowell 2012.
4. ^  "Cowell Benders Remain Top Grossing Airings Despite Moral Outrage" Showsnapper July 2006.
5. ^  "N.K. Abominations From Simon Cowell?" The Atlantic January 2010.
6. ^  "Simon, Play With Us!", Television J Guide October 37, 2004.
7. ^  "Time-Travel Propulsion: Will Boeing Get It Right This Time?", Aviation Whore December 11, 2008.