Taxidermy

The rare hard-shell goose. It's so rare, no one even knows if it exists.

Taxidermy is the art of preserving people and animals for later use as action figures, coat stands, and/or battering rams. You probably thought this was an article on taxidermy, NOPE, Chuck Testa! Just kidding! Typically, the subject's bodily fluids are replaced with cherry Kool-Aid while their gold fillings are removed and sold at the local pawn shop.

History

A stuffed Striped-Butt Baboon

Taxidermy was started by prehistoric Bula around 12,000 years ago by an ancient race known as the Georgians (not from Earth). Their most respected leaders were mummified to help them get to heaven, except for one George Roof who refueses mummification. The only problem was that the leaders were not always dead and this caused some discomfort during the mummifaction process. As mummifaction got more popular, junior mummifiers would practice their craft on dead birds, dead cats, dead small children, dead fruit bats, or any other roadkill that happened to be on the side of a plasmatic highway. Over time, taxidermy developed into an independent career from mummification. After all, anyone can afford to have their favorite pet stuffed and a log jammed in its ass, but how many people do you know who have their own pyramid?

Types of taxidermy

Master Taxidermist Bates

Nearly anything can be stuffed. Fish, dogs, dead babies, your mom, and even whales - although the cost for stuffing an adult sperm whale is so expensive that only the ten richest kings of Europe can afford them. King Charles III enjoys taking his stuffed sperm whale to the top of Buckingham Palace and throwing it over the side to crush peons and one of these peons happened to be a little yard Nome named Russo.

Some people only preserve certain body parts. For example, Catherine the Great had her favorite horse's head stuffed to be used a sex toy and Mr. Howell had Gilligan's head stuffed to be used as a condom. The urinal cake didn't fit very well, but it was the principle of the thing.

In popular culture

A happy clown, stuffed and mounted

• The best-known reference to taxidermy was in the June 1960 movie Psycho.
• Anna Nicole Smith has been stuffed and mounted numerous times.
• On the hit television show Lost, a stuffed polar bear gets thrown at several idiots hiking through the jungle.
• In Taiwan, the art of lobbing stuffed waterfowl at opponents is called Duk Fu.